This is my second attempt at writing this, but my first was consumed by technology – I think I must be a Luddite.
It’s now been 6 plus years since I started to crossdress again. 6 years of exploring who I am and who I want to be. 6 years of finally figuring out that I am a little bit of both my personas. A little bit April, a little bit Bill. My dressing desires come and go – often. There was a period of time when I thought for sure I was going to transition. Then I didn’t. Then I did again. Now, not so much. But I am learning to live with those feelings and learning that having different desires at different times is normal – at least for me.
This dressing thing, for those of us who have finally realized that we have both personas, can pose a bit of a conundrum. I’m of an age, and financially secure enough, that I don’t have to worry about losing my job, and my wife is at least accepting of my dressing, so I can pretty much dress when I want, within reason, but I still choose to live the vast majority of my life as male. Why?
Because while being April is an “experience”, being Bill is “easy”. No work needed. And while it can be boring for the most part, it’s a known quantity. Bill is safe. Bill is normal. No hassle, no worries. And at 65 becoming April (at least to an extent that I find satisfying) is more work than ever. Gravity is a harsh mistress. At least 2-3 hours of work to be “acceptable” to my eyes.
Once I’m dressed I rarely want it to end, but end it eventually does, and then inertia sets in and my male self has a tendency to hang on.
I so wished I had dressed more when I was young. I had such a wonderful face for dressing. Slight, angular, and rather feminine, if I do say so myself. And I was so thin. But alas, by my early 20s I was married with children, and I concentrated on other things. Don’t get me wrong – I love my children, and they happen to be the best thing I have done with my life to this point. Yet, perhaps I could have enjoyed my life more if I had only taken the time to see and express my feminine side. At least on occasion.
Because April takes chances and goes places that I never did as my male self, opening myself up to many new experiences, both good and bad, but at least I have the experiences and I live life. Ironically, many of the doors I opened as April are now opened to Bill too, and I have become at least a bit more adventurous and open to the new, no matter how I am dressed.
I’m not sure what it is exactly about dressing that brings out the adventurous side in me; maybe it’s the fact that I feel like a different person, or maybe it’s just the fact that once I have gotten past the fear of being outed nothing else seems nearly as frightening. Whatever the case, I’m open to a whole lot more when I’m out and about as April.
So ………after 6 years of re-exploring I’m still not sure where the journey will eventually take me, but I’m going to try to keep on listening to my inner voice, staying brave enough to take some chances, and hopefully, let it take me where I need to go.
Take care ladies.
More Articles by April (Pacific Princess)
- Enjoying What We DO Have
- Why Do We Do What We Do?
- Finding Your Way
- Musings on Depression….and Life
- My Escape
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The editors should be congratulated for recognizing that such a simple, well-written, straightforward, considered, self-examination of one’s life and the place of crossdressing in it as this essay is at the very heart, the very best of what CDH has to offer us all.
Ooops, I wrote this before I realized that April, besides being this essayist, is also one of those editors!
LOL!
Lovely thoughts April. Would things have been different if you had dressed more when younger, that’s an unknown. Having lived that male life for so long there will be things that are second nature and enjoyable so it is ingrained and why should you give those pleasures up? You love dressing and your wife approves so maybe she sees it as a little hobby you have that she accepts, that is no different for a lot of men with hobbies and she gets the happy man she married, it keeps the relationship strong so you have struck a neat balance… Read more »
April, Like you I find myself much more outgoing while en femme than I ever was as a male. I have heard the same sentiment from numerous other CD’s and I think it it due to two main reasons: Women are generally more outgoing than men. In trying to emulate women, many CD’s adopt that way of interacting with people as well. If a CD has truly accepted and is comfortable with what they are, much of the stress and anxiety associated with cross dressing melts away and one becomes much more relaxed and comfortable when en femme. Feeling good… Read more »
Ah April-my dear friend who invited me out to Esprit to room together for the conference-sight unseen(well sorta lol). As you know (but others may not), we have vastly diverging views on many things social and political..and yet..we are great friends and have a fabtastic time together whenever we are fortunate enough to do so. And that’s really how it should be for the world in general. We don’t have to agree on everything-just be civil, courteous, and treat others well…basically to “be human". I’ve probably spent as much or more time in person with you -all the way across… Read more »
Thanks for the lovely words, Cyn.
Wow! Just the way I feel. I think I could truly be satisfied henceforth with just dressing androgynously. The hair, makeup, etc. is too much work – as you’ve said. But I love the shape, the foundation garments, the legging and jeans, and the shoes, boots, booties, and sandals – mostly with heels. That is my “late” New Years wish for 2023; permission to “dress LIKE a girl!
Thanks for sharing this. I can so identify with this, I was dressing at 17 and going out with my then girlfriend, I wasnt hairy, everything was in its place and I wasn’t as heavy. I dont understand what drove me into the the closet again after that relationship ended…it was 1980 so fear of rejection I think. I have at last lost that ‘I care what others think when I’m out and about’ now, but the two hours it takes to look presentable is sometimes too long, so I dont dress as often as I should.
Very similar to my story, April.
Beautifully written. I can identify with pretty much every bit written here. Well done, April. Well done, Bill. Collectively, as a species, we know “a lot” about how our bodies work. But truly, we really know perhaps 20% of how it operates or as yet – why. Can two spirits, ids, ba or however we describe a spiritual entity, occupy one body? Why not? As a relatively well educated person and someone with 60-odd years experience now, I can with certainty say ‘we can’t rule it out’. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t so. Our DNA… Read more »
Hi April, Excellent story. I’m happy you have reached the point where being April is a comfortable place to be (same with being Kathryn). Like you, life got in my way of exploring who I am but now I’m fine with things as they are. After I came out to my wife in 2019, my ability to be Kathryn was given carte blanche and I’ve been out and about. I also wish that I had been able to crossdress earlier in life but I take advantage of what time I have now. Age is a factor though (I’m 73), but… Read more »