How Important Is “Passing?”

I am tall, standing well over 6 feet. I have a mustache that I’ve had since my freshman year in college, and I’m very reluctant to shave it off, and probably never will. I also have big feet and have never found women’s shoes that fit comfortably or are even bearable.

The questions remain: Why do I crossdress? And does passing matter?

I’ve never found a satisfying answer to the question of why I crossdress. My reasons are some of the most common: expressing my feminine side, feeling more comfortable dressed as a woman, or at least wearing women’s clothing, and feeling complete — my authentic self.

I can achieve all of that without passing, without the need to be out in public successfully passing myself off as a woman. Even dressing at home behind closed doors, I achieve those goals.

Is there a thrill that goes with passing that I’m missing out on? Yes, probably. In my first marriage, I often sat on my front porch in our small town wearing a dress and appropriate underwear underneath. Shrubbery in front of the porch partially blocked me from being seen by people walking past the house on the sidewalk just a few feet in front of the porch. It was definitely fun to sit out there, but the actual dressing was the important part.

In my current relationship and new home, I am lucky to have a very supportive partner. She has known about my crossdressing since before we met (we met online and exchanged lots of secrets in advance of meeting). She has bought many of my clothes for me, especially bras and dresses. I am able to fully dress at home whenever I want. But she is not comfortable with me being seen by anyone else — friends, family, or strangers. Dressing is just for me in the privacy of our home. She’s not turned on by my crossdressing, but neither is she turned off. She accepts it as part of me, knowing that need will likely never go away (over 55 years of crossdressing and the need is as strong, or stronger, than ever).

I’m okay with that. Being able to fully express my feminine side at home satisfies me. Although it would be wonderful to wear a dress while sitting on our back porch, which is very private, there is always the possibility one of our next-door neighbors would see me. I’d be okay with the risk, even if I was seen, but she is not. So I’ve given up on that possibility for the privilege of fully expressing myself in the house, with her full support. It’s a reasonable trade.

That also eliminates the need, whatever it might have been, to pass in public. It takes some pressure off me. And it allows me to focus, to whatever extent I need, on why I crossdress, or if I even need to figure out why I crossdress. I don’t need to worry about my mustache or the fact that my feet are too big to find women’s shoes that are comfortable enough to wear even around the house. Or if I’m wearing something that doesn’t fit me perfectly — although she’s really helpful in finding clothes that look good on me and wants me to look nice, as well as being age-appropriate, in what I’m wearing. So no miniskirts, stilettos, bullet bras, etc., although I’m sure she would indulge me in those if I really needed them. But I don’t.

So is passing important? No, for me, it’s not. But everyone is different. I know there are crossdressers for whom passing is the goal at all times. And I’m not saying I don’t wish I could pass — I’d love to pass. But it’s not in the cards for me, and I’m okay with that.