Life is a wonderful journey of discovery and marriage is a path along this journey. One where you get to learn more about yourself than just about any other time in life. Being transgendered is another path along that journey, one that is often times marred with the shame of crossdressing and the embarrassment of wearing women’s clothes.
I’ve spent most of my life coming to terms with my my desire to wear a bra and stockings, to dress and express myself as a woman. I’ve been through the shame of crossdressing, religious zeal for "righteousness", purges where I’ve said ‘Never again!’. I’ve also been through times of delight, transgendered indulgence and a feeling of wholeness. Through this experience I’ve learned to accept myself, and most of the time to overcome the shame and embarrassment of being a crossdresser – to live my life regardless of what society thinks.
But I recently made a fairly big mistake. Like a buffoon I overlooked my wife’s feelings – I forgot that she is also embarrassed by my crossdressing. While I’ve had many years to learn to overcome the stares and snickers – my wife is new at this. While I’ve had to overcome my crossdressing shame to live as who I am inside, my wife is doing it out of love for someone else.
The other day while we were out I was happy to indulge my crossdressing urges. We’d spoken about the plans for the trip before we left, and while we were out it didn’t occur to me that she would feel embarrassed as people watched me learn how to apply makeup.
One thing every husband knows (or should know!) is that when your wife says nothing is wrong, you better believe there is something wrong. It took a while for me to find out just how embarrassed she was, but when I finally did, lets just say that she "let me know in no uncertain terms".
In my eagerness to shield myself from the stares and snickers of others, I had accidentally shielded myself from the fears and concerns of someone I love dearly. I had focused on my wife’s support and encouragement, and forgotten that she has fears and concerns that are equally as valid.
I think there are two things I would do differently next time. Firstly I would make sure to pay attention to the subtle (and not to subtle) cues my wife sends me about how she’s feeling. A few minutes of crossdressing bliss is not as important as caring about your wife’s feelings – and showing her by doing things differently. Secondly I would ask her if there are certain things she’d rather I do alone. It’s tempting to spend every waking moment with your spouse, but there are certain things that are better experienced separate from each other.
Honey, I’m sorry for not considering your feelings. I love you.
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P.S. Don’t make mistakes in crossdressing that could hurt your loved ones. Read My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd, or My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd.
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Vanessa is a happily married 30 year old transgendered woman from Seattle. It's been a long road to acceptance for her, despite the fact that she has been crossdressing for more than 25 years. Sometimes, when she looks in the mirror she longs to see the girl that lives
within her. 
8 Comments
Thank you for sharing …I see a part of my femme journey here..
Regards,
Wendy
Well this is probably one of the biggest fears I have. My first wife never understood and really hurt me in the process (I lost my job, my kids, had to live out of my car, and the other crap associated with the divorce). As time passed I found myself really enjoying my closet dwelling as a CD. When I met my now current wife, I really thought about telling her and came close a few times. It was and still is very hard to do. As close as we are, she has lived such a conservative and sheltered life, that I simply don’t want to lose her and at I think if I tell her with all that she has had to deal with recently she may not be able to handle it.
Marti, thanks for sharing love. This is a very hard decision, and for many crossdressers the decision not to tell their wives is based mainly out of love, and a fear of not wanting to lose someone so dear to them. I tend to believe that keeping a secret as large as this is not healthy for a relationship, people can generally tell when someone is not being forthcoming, but the decision to share is much more complex than this. You are the best positioned to know your individual situation.
Blessings, and good luck!
Marti,
I can relate to your story and feelings, but mostly for concern for your loving and supporting wife. I am single and am very lucky to have two/three gg’s who support and help me be Patrice. I’ve had makeup applied and received great hints while dressed at Macys, Bloomingdales, etc. I have been accompanied by one of my friends. I was dressed and passed very well. I am very lucky to have these friends who help me. I should always consider them first, in my case. Take care of your wife and learn to accept her feelings for Marti. You both are very lucky to have each other.
Patrice
rjb7839@aol.com
your wife is very lucky to have you. I keep trying and trying to support my husband all the while getting used to this new life. He’s had forever to learn how to deal with it; me not so long. But I am willing. But he’s so impatient and frustrated. All he can do is complain about how unfit we are for each other because I am not kinky enough for him and in a fit of anger told me that I have never completely satisfied him sexually because he wanted to be fully woman with me. What a blow to my self esteem! I thought we’d had some great times. I’ve tried and continue to try and I’ve grown in my openness but it isn’t fast enough for him. I’m tired from trying to care for a 3 year old and a preemie infant with no help from him; as he tells me he hates having responsibility (another confirmation to him that he is a woman because he wants someone else to take care of him) and then to hear that we don’t have sex often enough! He won’t do any work around the house unless it is ‘dressed’. I bought him a pretty shirt, black and lacy from coldwater creek which he loved, but then became resentful of me because I could wear those types of clothes anytime and he couldnt… things I can’t even help he’s angry with me about! I could go on and on.. It hurts to actually be trying so hard in an area that so many women would walk away from and yet be verbally and emotionally abused. I’ve never told this to anyone. I’d leave if I didn’t need the insurance for my infant daughter. I need love too! I’m sorry he/she was dealt a rough hand, but it isn’t my fault and I’m doing my best to accomodate and to understand his pain. I just wish he would try and understand mine also.
Talking a problem solving approach, get out of there. The guy mean self centered. Also a fetishist, and demented. Shame you try so hard only to have your heart broken. Get out of the situation and find a mate deserving of your love and loyalty.
Taking a constructive route to solve this, get out of there. The guy is demented, a fetishist, and self centered. Get out. theres a mate out there somewhere who will return all the love you have to give. I wish you everything good, Carol
Dear, the guy is neurotic, demented, and a fetishist. Take some constructive advice. He dosent deserve a nice girl like you. Im sure theres another mate out there would live to have your giving, concern, patience and love. Someone who would treasure it. Get your boots on, and get walking.