You're Not The Only One Embarrassed By Crossdressing

Life is a wonderful journey of discovery and marriage is a path along this journey. One where you get to learn more about yourself than just about any other time in life. Being transgendered is another path along that journey, one that is often times marred with the shame of crossdressing and the embarrassment of wearing women’s clothes.

I’ve spent most of my life coming to terms with my my desire to wear a bra and stockings, to dress and express myself as a woman. I’ve been through the shame of crossdressing, religious zeal for "righteousness", purges where I’ve said ‘Never again!’. I’ve also been through times of delight, transgendered indulgence and a feeling of wholeness. Through this experience I’ve learned to accept myself, and most of the time to overcome the shame and embarrassment of being a crossdresser – to live my life regardless of what society thinks.

But I recently made a fairly big mistake. Like a buffoon I overlooked my wife’s feelings – I forgot that she is also embarrassed by my crossdressing. While I’ve had many years to learn to overcome the stares and snickers – my wife is new at this. While I’ve had to overcome my crossdressing shame to live as who I am inside, my wife is doing it out of love for someone else.

The other day while we were out I was happy to indulge my crossdressing urges. We’d spoken about the plans for the trip before we left, and while we were out it didn’t occur to me that she would feel embarrassed as people watched me learn how to apply makeup.

One thing every husband knows (or should know!) is that when your wife says nothing is wrong, you better believe there is something wrong. It took a while for me to find out just how embarrassed she was, but when I finally did, lets just say that she "let me know in no uncertain terms".

In my eagerness to shield myself from the stares and snickers of others, I had accidentally shielded myself from the fears and concerns of someone I love dearly. I had focused on my wife’s support and encouragement, and forgotten that she has fears and concerns that are equally as valid.

I think there are two things I would do differently next time. Firstly I would make sure to pay attention to the subtle (and not to subtle) cues my wife sends me about how she’s feeling. A few minutes of crossdressing bliss is not as important as caring about your wife’s feelings – and showing her by doing things differently. Secondly I would ask her if there are certain things she’d rather I do alone. It’s tempting to spend every waking moment with your spouse, but there are certain things that are better experienced separate from each other.

Honey, I’m sorry for not considering your feelings. I love you.


P.S. Don’t make mistakes in crossdressing that could hurt your loved ones. Read My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd, or My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd.

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About the Author

A woman living in Seattle, enjoying the freedom to be who she is every moment of her life!

12 Enlightened Replies

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  1. Wendygrrl says:

    Thank you for sharing …I see a part of my femme journey here..
    Regards,
    Wendy

  2. Marti says:

    Well this is probably one of the biggest fears I have. My first wife never understood and really hurt me in the process (I lost my job, my kids, had to live out of my car, and the other crap associated with the divorce). As time passed I found myself really enjoying my closet dwelling as a CD. When I met my now current wife, I really thought about telling her and came close a few times. It was and still is very hard to do. As close as we are, she has lived such a conservative and sheltered life, that I simply don’t want to lose her and at I think if I tell her with all that she has had to deal with recently she may not be able to handle it.

    • Vanessa Law says:

      Marti, thanks for sharing love. This is a very hard decision, and for many crossdressers the decision not to tell their wives is based mainly out of love, and a fear of not wanting to lose someone so dear to them. I tend to believe that keeping a secret as large as this is not healthy for a relationship, people can generally tell when someone is not being forthcoming, but the decision to share is much more complex than this. You are the best positioned to know your individual situation.

      Blessings, and good luck!

      • Patrice says:

        Marti,
        I can relate to your story and feelings, but mostly for concern for your loving and supporting wife. I am single and am very lucky to have two/three gg’s who support and help me be Patrice. I’ve had makeup applied and received great hints while dressed at Macys, Bloomingdales, etc. I have been accompanied by one of my friends. I was dressed and passed very well. I am very lucky to have these friends who help me. I should always consider them first, in my case. Take care of your wife and learn to accept her feelings for Marti. You both are very lucky to have each other.
        Patrice

        rjb7839@aol.com

      • Miserable and sad says:

        your wife is very lucky to have you. I keep trying and trying to support my husband all the while getting used to this new life. He’s had forever to learn how to deal with it; me not so long. But I am willing. But he’s so impatient and frustrated. All he can do is complain about how unfit we are for each other because I am not kinky enough for him and in a fit of anger told me that I have never completely satisfied him sexually because he wanted to be fully woman with me. What a blow to my self esteem! I thought we’d had some great times. I’ve tried and continue to try and I’ve grown in my openness but it isn’t fast enough for him. I’m tired from trying to care for a 3 year old and a preemie infant with no help from him; as he tells me he hates having responsibility (another confirmation to him that he is a woman because he wants someone else to take care of him) and then to hear that we don’t have sex often enough! He won’t do any work around the house unless it is ‘dressed’. I bought him a pretty shirt, black and lacy from coldwater creek which he loved, but then became resentful of me because I could wear those types of clothes anytime and he couldnt… things I can’t even help he’s angry with me about! I could go on and on.. It hurts to actually be trying so hard in an area that so many women would walk away from and yet be verbally and emotionally abused. I’ve never told this to anyone. I’d leave if I didn’t need the insurance for my infant daughter. I need love too! I’m sorry he/she was dealt a rough hand, but it isn’t my fault and I’m doing my best to accomodate and to understand his pain. I just wish he would try and understand mine also.

        • Carol says:

          Talking a problem solving approach, get out of there. The guy mean self centered. Also a fetishist, and demented. Shame you try so hard only to have your heart broken. Get out of the situation and find a mate deserving of your love and loyalty.

        • Carol says:

          Taking a constructive route to solve this, get out of there. The guy is demented, a fetishist, and self centered. Get out. theres a mate out there somewhere who will return all the love you have to give. I wish you everything good, Carol

        • Carol says:

          Dear, the guy is neurotic, demented, and a fetishist. Take some constructive advice. He dosent deserve a nice girl like you. Im sure theres another mate out there would live to have your giving, concern, patience and love. Someone who would treasure it. Get your boots on, and get walking.

        • Robyn says:

          Ahhh M’lady, My heart felt for you for the emotional anger he is feeling towards You. To top that off you have children together and a Life. You mate is over the top with you and the children. He needs help and counseling. Does he go to work in Boy clothes and come home and change?
          I would be honored if a woman would buy me something out of the love for me.
          You mate is self centered and sounds abusive (verbally) and yes one can be verbally abused
          There is on Vanessa’s web site, called the Bill of rights for a couple (i beleive) that would be a good start for you to get it and sit down with her and make the marks in the sand about what you need .
          I hope this helps.
          Robyn

  3. Harry CD says:

    Dear Vanessa,

    Introduce myself, I am 40 years old, 2 years, I dare to appear on the site crossdresser. Since the age of 10 years I’ve liked using women’s clothing. But the family, environment and culture in my country, not support for it. shortly, I am a crossdresser who are stuck for a long time.

    Now like a bird flying, I am free in cyberspace, and it turns out, I’m not alone. Although I do not dare show my face, sorry for that

    honestly from the heart most deeply, I would like to use makeup and fake hair, how should I start?, because the desire was too long restrained

    Vanessa
    what a crossdresser it must be beautiful?

    I am very pleased to read your article.
    Sorry if my english is not good, because using google translator.

    with love
    Harry CD

  4. Staci says:

    This is an old post, but thought I’d reply anyway.
    I’m the CD in a relationship with a woman very similar to you. Fortunately, I push myself twice as hard as I need to (so I’ve been told) to be the best possible father to my kids and partner to my spouse. I buy lots of nice cloths for myself and always try to keep it fair as I get her as much stuff for her as I can so she can dress up too. Although, just today I did find 6 panties for me and only 2 for her but next week we’ll be making up for that as I get her at least 5 of these kind she really likes.
    Sometimes I feel like me and her are not ”sexually equal”, but I remind myself that most couples if not all couples are probably not sexual eqauls either. One detail that’s different with us is that she is the one who is very content having sex every day and I can use a break sometimes. Being a little older now and having diabetes makes me fatigued a lot of the time. I have to test my blood right now so I have to cut this short.
    I agree with all the advice I read on here about this for you. The guy sounds very self-centered, but then that was a year ago from my response today and I’m really curious to see how this has “panned out” for you in this past year.

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