We all want to be accepted, right? Of course we do. Over the last 30 years of being out in public I’ve seen some drastic shifts in how we are viewed. Believe me, it’s much easier now than way back then, with a few exceptions. For the most part as a community, we are more accepted than ever. But that’s not really where I’m going with this. I talking more on an individual basis, let me explain.
This applies to anyone on the Transgender spectrum. Whether you are an occasional Crossdresser, or living as a full time post op MTF girl. The level to which we are accepted will vary drastically depending on each individual situation. You might be in a relationship with a very open minded person, or work where they are very open to you presenting as female at work. If so, I think that’s great and hope it stays the course.
But in reality, most of us go through many years of battling of where we are in the TG spectrum. We might change our opinions of where we are headed numerous times. I know I have and have talked to countless others that have as well. The part I think most people in our community miss is how our decisions affect others. Many just don’t care what others think. But think about this, if it took you 10-20 years to finally decide that you are transgender, how is it fair to expect others that have known your male persona for years to instantly accept you for who you now want to be. The same could apply to coming out as a crossdresser to loved ones. We must be prepared to be patient with acceptance of others, usually it’s not instant. Many will never accept you and you must be prepared for that.
I’ve talked to many girls who are totally depressed that their family will not except them as a girl. It’s sad, but not surprising. Many times though over a period of 2-5 years, the family and friends will become more accepting. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s unrealistic for us to expect acceptance instantly with our decision that might have been 20 years in the making. I’m not saying in any way that you should not come out to friends or loved ones, but be prepared for any result. Please do not let others talk you into coming out to family, make that decision yourself. Every situation is different. Many girls have had no problem and feel everyone else will have the same experience. For example, the fact that I’ve been going for years with almost no issue, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have an issue your first time out.
I’ve also encountered a situation lately with some friends that do live and work as a girl. Their employer was very accepting and allowed them to work as a girl, but the clients were not always as accepting of the new you. If you work in some commission based situation, it can be tough. The clients may not tell you why, nor do they have to. They might just move their business elsewhere. You can say it’s not fair, but it’s real life.
So in closing, I’m not trying to be negative on coming out. What I want everyone to do before they make these decisions, is to base it on your situation, not someone else’s. You might get a great response those you come out to and I hope you do. But be patient with acceptance if it does not come right away.
- Have you recently come out of the cross dressing closet to a spouse or significant other and if so, what was their level of acceptance of your thrill of cross dressing?
- Many times when your spouse or significant other accepts your thrill of cross dressing it comes with some limitations on your cross dressing. Would you like to share a limitation or two placed by your spouse or significant other on your cross dressing?
- Would you please share with us an extreme level of acceptance or non-acceptance by one of your immediate family members?
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my article. Please feel free to take a few more minutes to send in a response to either my article or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above!
Sincerely, Lisa
What an excellent article Lisa. Agree, no two situations at home or work are the same. Each individual has to decide themselves. Being married for over 30yrs makes my decision a critical choice. My wife doesn’t support Kathy at all. So I enjoy the limited times I have as Kathy. Do I wish I could be full time at least at home, yes. But there’s a serious life change that would need to occur. Loved the article.
Kathy
Thanks Kathy. I’ve had several real life situations with friends the last few months that has caused this to be on my mind and felt I needed to share it.
Hi Lisa Great article. I am not sure today if I would been brave enough to come out to my wife. My wife found some of my clothes and was scared, angry, sad all at the same time It was such a difficult time for her and myself. Looking back on it I am not sure how I would tell her. Some times I just wish this issue was not apart of my life. Acceptance came so hard for me. I was miserable therefore i made others miserable being around me. You are right when you wrote it is getting… Read more »
Stephanie,
I agree it is not easier for SO’s to accept. I have also heard the same comment from my wife, that she married a man and didn’t sign on to all this. Glad to hear everything worked out for you. I feel it’s best to compromise and keep the marriage together if at all possible.
Lisa thank you for such a great article. I came out to my wife of 36 yrs about 6 was ago. It has not been easy and am still unsure of what will happen in the future. As for going out in public or at work based on what I’ve heard I pretty sure my boss would find a way to see me gone. There is still plenty of bias toward us at least in the world of blue collar that I live in. Almost daily I hear the outright hatred mouthed by men of small minds. Katie
Katie,
I think coming out is dangerous in many situations. I don’t recommend it most cases unless you are going the route of living full time. Many girls have pulled it off just fine, but often that’s not how it ends. As far as marriage goes, I’m always for trying to compromise to keep together if at all possible. Hopefully everything will work out for you.
Lisa I am feeling what you are talking about with accetance. Friends, acquaintences and neighbors have been more accepting then my family. Although they know that all through my life since childhood cross dressing has been in my life without full or even any exposure. Alway hidden or with my marriage with boundries. Not publicly. I have found myself since last August living by myself allowing myself to explore my feminity as cross dressing and all that I can do to be feminine. my family (brothers, sister, sons, daughter, grandchildren and relatives) are glad for me to be exporing myself… Read more »
Lisa- Thank you for your article. I’ve just come out to a women who I’ve been dating for a couple of years, though because of Covid there was very limited contact in the last year. She was understanding, and even grateful and honored that I felt I could trust her so much as to be so open with her, she understood that to bring it up was difficult. But she said she needed to “process" the revelation, commenting that her upbringing was heavily Catholic, and though not practicing now, it still effects her to this day. She also mentioned that… Read more »
Marci,
Always complicated situations, but you are doing the right thing. Patience is the key. I hope it works out if she is the one for you. It’s great that you had the courage to tell her upfront.
Great article,been through the none acceptance and good luck.Cost me relationships in the past,one was a divorce.Now,a very loving and supportive wife in my life that loves Liz as a girlfriend in her life.Growing up,my dad whom was abusive to me hated it and have not seen and talked to him since the age of 12.Lucky to have my mom and 3 younger sisters,other family members,wife’s family and my friends for support.My ex’s families hated me with a deep passion putting me through hell.I have had bad friends too,told them I didn’t need them in my life being a negative… Read more »
Liz, I think it’s really hard for people that have known us as guys for a very long time to accept our other side. I think that’s a lot of the reason I wrote this article. When I’m out as Lisa and meet new people, they are usually very friendly to me. Why is it different ? I think because that’s the way they met, and don’t know my male persona. I’d say be very careful who you share this with going forward that you think may not accept it. The most important people are you and your wife, if… Read more »
My friends know about Liz and are cool about it whom are supportive.My wife’s family is supportive and MIL loves having Liz around
I can’t help it. I just love being a girl . The clothes , the makeup , all the lovely lady like things . what’s not to love. ! ! XO. XO. Zoann.
Great article Lisa. I probably would not be out to anyone except for the fact that I accidently. let my X find out a year and half ago. The first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids, Then she threatened to tell my brothers every couple weeks. She is one confusing lady, Last Sept for my birthday offered to pay for me getting my ears pierced. I couldn’t say yes fast enough At that time a lot of the shops were just starting to open up after covid so we went in and did it. In my… Read more »
Wow Sandy, sorry to hear about your ex telling your kids. It’s common, but it’s still wrong. She should have given you the chance first. Maybe if you could have told the kids from your viewpoint instead of the ex doing it, it might have gone better. But I understand, we often don’t want people to know. I think many of this forum has a spouse that knows, but most are hesitant to share it with anyone else. It makes sense, cause we are all scared that someone will abandon us if they find out. Telling your brothers had to… Read more »
Thanks Lisa. In many ways I should thank my X for the threats of telling others. If it weren’t for those threats and all the wonderful stories of everyone here at CDH I would have NEVER had the courage to tell my brothers or to go out en fem anywhere. I am now running through my mind how to tell a few select individuals at church and then our priest. I need to do this in party because the X has threatened to tell them also. Hope all this goes well, who knows for sure, but I keep telling myself… Read more »
Very well said Lisa. My wife and I have been on this journey now for a couple years now since I came out to her. I have done so much reading on the CDH website and it seems to me that our mental health and how we can navigate our relationship with our wife’s or our significant others is all about acceptance!
Lisa, what you wrote is so very true! Thanks for sharing this with us.