Girl in Mirror

Hello. My name is Ashley. Or at least, I want it to be. Every transgender story I read about starts the same: signs in childhood, experimenting with clothes and such in high school, stuff like that. Transgenders always seem to have a sense of themselves even from childhood. But I never did. I really can’t remember much of my life, which I blame on my terrible memory. I’m 21, and I can barely recall things before high school. One thing I know though, is that I never really wanted to be a girl until I was almost 20.

I’ve always had trouble fitting in with guys. I was never on the same page as them. It was like talking to a different species. They’d go off on tangents about footy and cars and how ‘hot’ certain girls were, but I could never relate to any of that. I was much much better at talking to girls, admiring their jewellery, or how cool their new clothes were. Looking back, I remember it was extremely easy to talk to them about pretty much anything. I could fit in with a group of girls and feel completely at ease. If I was surrounded by guys, I was on edge, like something was off. But I never thought about changing. I just figured I was effeminate or something.

When I finally knew I wanted to be a girl, it was at the age of 19. Always feeling different, and being bullied every year of primary and high school because of it, left me with a really low self-esteem. I became suicidal. Not so much in a pro-active sense… more in a sense that I viewed the concept of death as a relief, a way out. I still feel that way sometimes.

When I was 19, I bought a game for my XBox 360 called Left 4 Dead. It was the first ‘scary’ game I’d ever wanted to play, and I was determined to try and become tougher. Boys aren’t meant to be scared of zombies, right? After starting up it was time to pick a character to play as, and on some odd instinct I instantly chose the only girl in the game, Zoey. It’s funny. I actually remember always playing as the girl in games, though I’d never wondered why. Escape, maybe? Some sub-conscious desire to not be myself for a while? So we start the game, and I’m playing as Zoey, with my friend as one of the guy characters. Together, we finished the entire game in one night, which was great fun. What stuck with me though… was how much I could relate to Zoey. An insecure nerd full of useless trivia. She was me with boobs, basically. And that got me thinking…

I had so many feminine traits. What boy wishes he could wear colourful jewellery? Or ever wondered what dresses must feel like? And I had always hated looking at myself in the mirror for some reason. My own reflection actually scared and angered me, like it was someone else. That was something I’d always dismissed as a result of my low confidence and depression. But it was more than that. I had never really ‘fit’ into myself, I had always known I was different. I just never really knew how. But seeing this ‘female me,’ even if it was just a fictional girl in a video game, made me start to realise things about myself. Things I needed to test.

I managed to buy a long brown wig and a red jacket, similar to Zoey’s. It was a man’s jacket, but I had to make do. I also had some socks I’d rolled into balls to see what it’d be like to have a bust.
So I put on the wig, put on the jacket, and stuffed the socks roughly where my ‘chest’ would be. Then I looked in the mirror…

I just stared at myself for what felt like hours. I could barely break eye-contact with my reflection. Because it was MY reflection. I wasn’t staring at this boy I’d been trying to be for the last 19 years in order to fit in anymore. I was looking at me.

I was looking at the REAL me.

Within the next few days I began cross-dressing for a few hours a week whenever I was alone. I wasn’t doing it for self-gratification or to rebel, I was just doing it because I needed to experience what it felt like to be in the right body. I bought a better wig, I bought nicer clothes, and I picked a name out for myself: Ashley. I wasn’t some bizarre alternate ‘female me,’ I wasn’t putting on some act by becoming her whenever I could. Being Ashley WAS the real me, the me I’d wanted to be for so long without even realising it.

My male self was the act! How could it have taken me so long to understand that? I was never happy being a boy! How could I have put myself through that, just to please the people around me, who all expected me to be the boy they were used to? Why am I doing it now!?

My mother blames herself and views what I’m doing as a cry for help or something, and I have so many little doubts in my head, like whether or not I’m being selfish or if I really am transgendered. I was reading this webcomic by a transwoman called Venus Envy and couldn’t believe how many parallels my life had with the girl in the story, but there’s still something I can’t figure out.

Why did it take me so long to realise I wanted to be a girl?

 

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Editor Maxine

Editor at CD Heaven. Publishing articles on behalf of other users.
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  1. Profile photo of Janine Milburn
    Janine Milburn 2 months ago

    I know what you mean, I did the same thing. Dressed up and dolled myself up http://crossdressing.co.uk/albums/photo/view/album_id/15739/photo_id/158905. Go to the link to see. Go to the link and you will have an idea of why i just stood in fromt of my mirror feeling hot and sexy.

  2. Profile photo of Sylvia Schmidt
    Sylvia Schmidt 8 months ago

    Dear Ashley,
    Thanks for a wonderful description of your experience. You are so far ahead of some of us.
    Speaking of parallels, I was fascinated by two of your sentences:
    “I actually remember always playing as the girl in games, though I’d never wondered why.” That’s been my experience as well. In fact, on the one hand I love to play games, where I can assume a first person female role. Regardless of the character options in any given game, my log-in name has been Sylvia for a long time. On the other hand, I have discovered a genuine dislike of games in which I have to be the all-conquering male hero, who diffuses masculinity all over the computer screen.
    You also spoke to me when you said, “Being Ashley WAS the real me, the me I’d wanted to be for so long without even realising it.” A lot longer for some of us. I’m still working on implementing the reality that I am Sylvia, and that she should not be just a person inside of me struggling to come out, but that she is who I am already, and what I really need to do is to stop covering up that part of my identity.
    Lots of hugs, ~Sylvia Schmidt~

  3. Profile photo of Jackie Wild
    Jackie Wild 11 months ago

    Your story reflects on that of my own and many others. I can relate to everything you said Ashley. As a young boy I never did fit in with the “boy crowd”, my best two friends were my sister that is four years older than I and a girl from school and lived a few blocks from us. As one could imagine I received many day’s of ruthless comments from other kids and was labeled somewhat of a sissy. I too looked long and hard in a mirror one day and decided I loved the way I looked and felt far more than I liked myself as a boy, and so it has been the girl inside that has the most to offer than I could ever offer trying to be someone I am not. May the path to happiness lead the way and you follow. Jackie Wild.

  4. Profile photo of Sallysim
    Sallysim 11 months ago

    Thanks for sharing that story with us all. Ashley is the real you and should be welcomed with open arms. You’re young enough to enjoy exploring a great future as Ashley, you are so lucky. As most I knew at an early age that I was different and kept my inner self in the closet for too long which I now regret. At 58 I’m finally coming to terms with Sally and think about all the good times I’ve missed over the years. Many people say I’m look better as a woman and a much happier person. So Ashley embrace your self your life and enjoy who you Are

  5. lucy 11 months ago

    I’m planning to go out at Halloween, good on u girl

  6. DawnOday 11 months ago

    Ash
    You sound freakishly like myself. As a youngster if you do decide to transition it will be much easier than it is at my age because some of your traits are still forming. No you are not being selfish. You are being true to yourself. Before you can love anybody else you have to love yourself. I found that out the hard way. Your parents have chosen their path. Now is the time to choose yours. Get some therapy as it really helps. I went, starting about 5 months ago and just this morning I went to pick up my estradol. I had gone 5 or 6 times before as early as 1983 but could not tell the truth as I was always told crossdressing is a perversion. I bought into that because I’m a kid of the Leave it to Beaver generation. So I lived a life of repression and as a result I have not felt happiness in such a long time. That ended today. One thing I have learned from others is that confidence is an important trait to develop. Make some friends online to give you support. There are so many kids out there now deciding early in life what direction they want to go. I am so thankful because without them I would not be able to do what I accomplished today. Watching Jazz Jennings at such an early age become an advocate it is just beyond description. I had Christine Jorgensen, Renee Richards and Christine Cossey as inspiration but lacked the information available today. If I knew back then what I know today, it would have been a no brainer to transition completely. With GRS and FFS and maybe even supplemented breasts.

  7. Profile photo of JaneS
    JaneS 11 months ago

    Sometimes the realisation of who we are within takes time to manifest. Until that dawn we often hold doubts or fears about ourselves, compounded by what we think might be the reactions of others.

    For you Ashley, the journey has begun in earnest. You are young and have no need to rush. Take your time, explore who you are and enjoy the experience. It seems your mother knows about your needs so work with her to help her understand more about your needs and feelings. It’s not a cry for help, it’s a cry for freedom.

    Welcome to the rest of your life; one where you will enjoy looking in the mirror.

    • Profile photo of Amanda Patrick
      Amanda Patrick 11 months ago

      Yes Jane,

      You are correct sometimes those feeling’s take time to manifest them selves. later in my life for my self. it has been like a tornado the last year. I am buying and doing things I never thought I would ever do like actually go out dressed. some times I feel afraid of what path all of this is on. I suppose this is pretty much normal for all off us. But I guess it like Cyn says in her post take slowly one day at a time and the decisions will be made.

  8. Profile photo of skippy1965(Cynthia)
    skippy1965(Cynthia) 11 months ago

    Not sure if MAxine or Ashley actually wrote the article (I suspect Ashley) but I had always felt that was a CD only not TG until recent years when the TG feelings have grown tremendously. I am still trying to determine my final destination now at age 51. So you are fortunate to have discovered our feelings at such a young age! My advice is he same as others have given me. Take it slowly one day at a time and when its time to make any decisions you’ll be ready.

    Cyn

    • Profile photo of Maxine Doos
      Maxine Doos 11 months ago

      Hi Cyn,
      Just to clarify, any articles I write will be published with Maxine Doos as the author. You are correct, this article is from Ashley. EditorMaxine has no articles of her own, she simply publishes on behalf of other authors.

  9. Profile photo of debbie
    debbie 11 months ago

    Maxine thank you for sharing your story since so many of us can relate to that experience too. So nice knowing I was not alone in my development Maxine. Hugs sis

    • Profile photo of Maxine Doos
      Maxine Doos 11 months ago

      Hi Debbie,
      Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
      To be clear, I did not write the article, simply edited & published it on behalf of an anonymous author.
      Having said that, I too can see parallels in the article.
      Hugs,

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