The Inner Struggle

I wish I could say it was easy.  Parts of this transition are.  I know who I am, I have hope of how I will change the external to match the internal, but I also have family and friends, work and society.  Most of you know what I am talking about…while those of us who are transgender must wrestle with the gender dysphoria feelings, we also must occasionally deal with the desire to purge.

For me it usually follows a setback.  Comments that are decidedly negative about the current transgender issues from friends I assumed were much more open minded have been a frequent stumbling block for me lately.  One such occurrence happened to me just a few weeks ago, and as I was about to “come out” about my current journey.  Talk about being sucker punched in the pseudo-lady bits!!!

The inner dialog always starts with the same question…”Wouldn’t it be easier?”  The words that have launched numerous agonizing bouts of self-doubt, temptation to take every “girly” thing I own and treasure and lock them away (or worse throw them away), a thousand mental reminders to cancel my next therapy appointment, let my counselor know by email “I’m cured” and slink back into the same male farce that has made me feel so out of place and “wrong” as I have tried to live it for so long.

Balance is so hard to achieve.  If I had my way sometimes I would book my surgeries, disappear without a trace, and start a whole new life as the me I really am inside, but that isn’t fair to my ultra supportive wife, my kids, my parents, her parents who have virtually adopted me as their own. So why not just let things stay as they are, or just deal with my dysphoria as I always have?

Unfortunately the answer is always the same: because it keeps getting worse; because life is short; because the stress and depression that come from not moving forward are often more binding than the corset I try to squeeze into to give myself more of an hourglass figure.

As I write this I’m not experiencing one of those episodes…this isn’t a cry for support.  I promised myself when I started writing for this site that I would be honest with the good and the bad.  I hope to help others the same way I have found help and encouragement here.  Are there days I wish I could stop being Vicki?  Would it be easier? I can stop wanting to breathe but it doesn’t mean my lungs or body will allow it.  And when the panic hits it’s what I always come back to…when I remember to slow my breathing and calm down.

Vicki isn’t someone I’m trying to become, it’s who I am. I can put on every item of male clothing I own and it will never change the fact that my inner voice is female, or that when I look in the mirror it’s not the reflection I want to see…yet!

The journey continues.  In my case it simply has to,  but sometimes it’s finding the right pace, the right balance that matters the most.

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Vicki T.

46 year old "new born" to transitioning. I'm finally coming out of the box I kept my true-self in for so long, and though it's not always easy, its definitely more the real me every day. I'm looking to make new close friends. I have so much to learn and I can use all the help and support I can get.
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  1. Profile photo of Anita Watkins
    Anita Watkins 7 months ago

    Vicki, thank you for sharing. Your struggle is what I’m dealing with. This helps put it into words. I hope to be as courageous as you are as I get more into this journey.

  2. Profile photo of Vicki Rogers
    Vicki Rogers 9 months ago

    Oh, Vicki… this was a very good thing for me to read right now.
    I recently adopted the name Vicki, myself!

    My wife was very supportive of my need to express myself as Vicki. I only found out recently that she was doing so not because she accepted it, but because she felt it was something I needed to do and she wanted me to be happy – even at the cost of her own comfort. So, I’ve had to NOT be Vicki for some time now.

    So when I saw the words in the email notification about this article: “Stop being Vicki?” It was like it was speaking DIRECTLY to ME!

    I know I’ll never be able to fully transition or even live as Vicki for prolonged periods of time. At times, I’m OK with that. Other times, not so much. I’m still looking for that balance!

    Thank you for showing me that others feel as I do. I find strength in that!

  3. Profile photo of Terrim
    Terrim 9 months ago

    Balance has been the key word in my life for many years. If things were different I would love to live as a woman. But because of family commitments I know I can’t. I just couldn’t do that to them. But I don’t judge others who have transitioned. I love being Terri but I also love being a father and grandfather. I don’t want to risk losing them.
    Terri

  4. Stacey S 9 months ago

    Vicki, Very Good Post ! Balance is very hard to get at times. Even for me as Being a mature age and therapy. I, have been a Crossdresser on and off for many years have purge many time Have lost friends and gained a few. Family still doesn’t know but that will come with time. I, have been out a few times and mostly at night. I , Have accepted who I am in many ways so Balance is very hard to get. Good Luck and keep Your chin up and bee who you are and want to be.

  5. Profile photo of Tess Williams
    Tess Williams 9 months ago

    Fantastic article Vicki – thank you very much for sharing it.

    I feel very much like you do and am in pretty much the same place. I’m striving for that balance as well, and I feel like I’m pretty much there. I don’t like that image I see in the mirror (unless I’m dressed as Tess of course) but I don’t hate “him”, despise “him” or want to get rid of “him”. Inside me – regardless of how I’m dressed – is me, and I don’t want to change everything.

    I know I’m a woman, but I’m happy being a husband, father, grandfather, son and brother. I also don’t need to fully transition to feel like a woman.

    Having the acceptance, support, understanding and love of my wife certainly helps. She is embracing me for me, as she knows I also need to be Tess.

    I wish you the best Vicki as you continue to achieve balance.

  6. Gina Marie 9 months ago

    Thank you for sharing Vicki, much of what you wrote resonates with me.
    I have been down the path, as many have, of embracing, purging, embracing, purging…..we know the drill! On top of being expensive, it is emotionally draining and the “failure” on each end to become one or the other takes a toll on ones self esteem as well.
    For me, transitioning is not an option for a variety of reasons; family, job, friends etc, but also because I don’t necessarily “hate” my male side. I enjoy the relationship I have with my wife and that would change if I transitioned in some way. Wearing a wing tip on one foot and a Stiletto on the other seems to work pretty well and my wife is supportive. Am I rationalizing? Maybe. Am I being lazy, afraid and untrue to my inner self? Possibly. Would I be happier if I were to be able to wake up each and ever day as the woman I desire to be…..probably.
    Articles like yours help me to understand I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing this wonderful path despite it’s challenges with us!

  7. Profile photo of Kayla Jameson
    Kayla Jameson 9 months ago

    Great article, Vicki. I strive for balance, but it’s hard to achieve. Thank you for your perspective on this important issue.

  8. Profile photo of Pinkie
    Pinkie 9 months ago

    I have giving up all that was my male counterpart and all my family and friends to start over with my life as Stephenie. i still have contact with the ones that has accepted me. I have been in a stalemate with my life due to ignorance as to what was out there for me and now that I have found the support I need and want that Balance will be found Thank you and Thank you CDH.

  9. Profile photo of Jenny1323
    Jenny1323 9 months ago

    I loved the article thank you for sharing

  10. Profile photo of skippy1965(Cynthia)
    skippy1965(Cynthia) 9 months ago

    I echo Jane and April’ comments above as I too struggle to achieve that balance in my own life. Though I have loosened them, I have not yet shed the shackles of living up to others’ expectations. One day (i hope in the not too distant future) I will walk unfettered by societal and familial expectations out of the doors of this self-imposed prison cell I have inhabited for lo these many decades! Thank you for sharing your own inspiring story!

    Cyn

  11. Profile photo of JaneS
    JaneS 9 months ago

    It’s never easy knowing who we think we can tell and who we think won’t take the news well. Unfortunately that too is a sign of trying to live our lives for others.

    In the end, even if everyone else deserts us we’re still left with ourselves. Thus we have to do what is right for us. I have one very special friend I’ve not yet told, someone I’ve known from childhood. His comments on various issues leave me to believe that he might not take the news well but I’ve finally reached the point of feeling that if he doesn’t, and chooses to have nothing more to do with me, then it’s his call and his loss. I have the support of the person who I hope will be holding my hand at the end and she is happy for me to be me.

    Finding balance isn’t easy Vicki but I think you’ve got it pretty close to being right. Thank you for sharing your story.

  12. Profile photo of April (Pacific Princess)

    Very wonderfully written Vicki. I empathize with your feelings about family especially. So many wonderful people I don’t want to put behind me, but not exactly sure how they would react to “me”. Not just the male part of me, but all of me.

    I hope your journey goes well, and that those you love will come along with you.

    April

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