I had the best of intentions… but… (fill in the blank with your own reasons.)
I’ll go first! There were several things that I wanted to get done after my Mom passed. Many were started, some even finished, and then Dad had his ongoing year of decline. What once seemed important to me, just wasn’t. We will always have regrets but exactly how many of them are life-changing or would have altered the trajectory of ours or another’s life (negatively or positively?) My bet is; not many.
When I first married, Brina wasn’t even a thought, only a fetish that I couldn’t shake. Still, as time went on I had good intentions, and as I learned more about her and me, I wanted to explain to the ex. I didn’t because she found out I liked women’s clothing by catching me during the first year of our marriage in her prom dress. She didn’t see me, but I had to explain. Her response was, “If I ever catch you again, we’re through!” I hid it well for 22 more years and (thankfully) she did, and we ended what was a bad relationship. The truth is that I had good intentions not to tell because of our girls. In the end, they found out the wrong way as my ex swore me to secrecy and then ranted about it to them. We talked about it once (separately with each one) and it has never been broached again… (my good intentions to try now are still being procrastinated.) Should I? Should they? They are smart, and I’m betting they have noticed and accepted our silent, acknowledged understanding. I felt more of a need to keep it as such while taking care of my parents; now it doesn’t matter unless I…
I what? Want to live the rest of my life as a woman, a crossdresser, or in between. At what point do they, or anyone that matters to me need (have, should, ought) to know about my uncertainties? How many times have I nearly blurted out to my girls or best friend what I’m going through; good intentions, but… the timing isn’t right; I’m just not sure enough to say what I want; why should I tell them. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Here is my rationale. As a single person without the responsibilities of taking care of my parents anymore, I can live my life as I see fit, not as much any longer as “They see fit!” I hesitated in the past to give in to “good intentions” and divulge for their and my sake. I could tell my girls easily enough, maybe invite one or both to go on a girl’s trip. It might be fun! It might also be the end of a relationship or the start of a better one. You supply me with the odds, and I might give it a go. I hate conflict, avoid it unless faced with it, and then I fly through it by the seat of my pants—usually coming out unscathed. How many times I’ve dreamed of opening a store (here in my conservative small town that would cater to those like us) and flaunting my femineity all over town… good intentions, which will never (most likely ever) happen here. I have a four-bedroom house that I could have guests and parties at, clothes, shoes, and accessories to share, but being an introvert, I love my space, peace and quiet… good intentions.
I can write; that I can continue to do. One good intention was to start a blog and do my best to help others! Check! As a novelist, I wrote a short novella and was ready to pounce on the opportunity to become the next great (somewhat trans, crossdressing, gender-neutral) author. I wrote a 300-page novel with a Crossdressing character… six years ago… good intentions. I’ve been through it a few times and never completed it through the editing process (before you ask; I am now.) How many in the series will I be able to finish before nodding off into the sunset depends on my “Good Intentions.” It’s quite possible that my world as an author will converge when I do so, maybe not at first, but I can see it happening. And that may be my coming out party.
All my editing of the articles here on this site and over on Transgender Heaven has helped my writing. It also fuels my good intentions. Sharing my thoughts with you in this column feeds those same intentions. Helping others express theirs does as well. This site has continued to be one of my best intentions; the place where I can share my thoughts and the occasional pictures. I can’t open the store yet, but I decided to package up some of the over-abundance of Brina’s inventory and sell it. I’ve done that in the past, mostly I give it away. The intent is to offer guidance and help along with (my best assessment of) appropriate coordination of items.
I believe the notion that I should take, and I hope you do as well, is that we all share the desire to be good. I’m not sure exactly what the proper definition of that would be… One person’s good is another’s evil. We try to demonstrate this with our good intentions. We tend to chastise ourselves (and I mean from the CD side) when we fail to follow through. I’m fond of saying “The (bowling, golf, basketball) gods had it in for me.” As a bowler just the mere mention of the 10-pin to another will cause it to rear its ugly head. Never say my round today is going great; the golf gods are listening in for such blasphemy. I think there are crossdressing gods out there, too! I know that they have saved me a few times, and equally laughed at me when they put me in precarious situations (ex came home early, couldn’t get the way too small dress back off or reach the zipper…)
It is hard to think of oneself as good or even of good intentions when we deal with the self-imposed stigma of what we are, and what society sees us as. Don’t! And I mean; don’t fall into that thought process. I was there, and it was a lonely, dark place to dwell. What pulled me out was accepting that it is okay to be this… because I am not the only one; so far from it. This site and TGH show us that; the internet bursts with others worldwide like us. Acceptance is not the same as needing to shout it from the top of the mountain or step out of the closet to prove its worth. We each have our own life to live, responsibilities, beliefs, and paths to follow. Find your balance and live the best life you can; may it be full of good intentions because that is far better than no intentions…
Until next time…
(So, before you ask… yes, I plan to have my novel ready sometime this spring. That is my intent…)
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)
- And so it goes… - April 17, 2024
- I got a Letter! - March 2, 2024
- The Gift - February 8, 2024
- Good Intentions - January 7, 2024
- It’s a Wonderful (CD) Life - December 4, 2023
As always, some inciteful thoughts in your writing. I went through a period very similar to yours vis a vis my first marriage…disclosed to her and got the line “I don’t care what you do but don’t ever put anything belonging to me on, and don’t let me see you in anything ever again" ….drove me to the closet for so long as the rest of the marriage…which lasted another 15 years and 5 kids….but eventually foundered…and like your wife, she swore me to secrecy with my dressing, only to broadcast to whomever would listed after we split up that… Read more »
We sound like quite the pair! I appreciate the compliment and the comments. I’ve been going through everything I own and have set aside oodles to coordinate and sell on eBay. I’m going to quit thinking that I might fit into it when I lose 15-20 pounds because between then and now, I’ll have more than doubled what I already have. I like to buy, I admit it now. I don’t need it, but I do… Since I don’t go out, it’s my way of feeding that side. Now, I plan to give back and offer up some really nice… Read more »
Thank you so much for your articles! I enjoy your writing immensely. You look so eloquent in your pictures. Your outfits put together so well. I need a personal shopper. I have wasted so much money on clothes that are cute that I can’t wear in public as a older mature woman. Ha ha. To my surprise, my wife has come home with some clothes for me, and we have gone shopping together some. She won’t go with Lily so it is impossible to try on clothes with her. Honestly, she doesn’t love to shop so it’s grab and go.… Read more »
Thanks for the comments! This space here is actually my blog. I’m blessed to be able to share my thoughts with everyone here. I am with you on buying all the wrong things and then returning or giving them away. It has taken me years to find what looks good on me versus what I want to look good on me. They are not the same, although, at times, I have been pleasantly surprised. I think we also see things with a different eye than many women. We hunt for the femininity in clothing where many of them choose comfort.… Read more »
New on this site entered a profile and a few discussions but need help getting around not good with passwords
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Since your ex revealed your secret to your children, I will address that. It sounds as if you are estranged, a bit, from the girls. It is not uncommon for one parent to pit their children against the other parent, so, if that is the case with you, wouldn’t you want to break down that barrier between you? They already know, so confronting the elephant in the room may help all of you. Your golf/gods thing reminded me of this joke: A pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf. He told his… Read more »
@Harriette Not estranged at all. We have a great relationship, do vacations together, events, more so than they do with their mother. I just don’t feel the need to broach the subject, not yet, and neither do they. Part of this is not knowing what I am going to settle in as–it changes often. If something happens that escalates the need to talk, I can do so without worry. I appreciate the comments, and love the golf joke, it is one of my favorites.
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish That’s good to hear, better than how it sounded to me.
Hi Brina, Your article has really made me start thinking. I look back and can recognise my past good intentions in all sorts of ways: at work, in married life, in bringing up a family, and of course in exploring Rebecca (even though I never knew her name for many years). Some good intentions were frustrated by lack of opportunity, some by procrastination, some by fear or uncertainty of consequences. [Quick side note here: by coincidence in the middle of typing this comment while listening to a concert on TV, Bette Midler’s song is on … the words are apposite:… Read more »
Bette is a wise sage! I guess, in my roundabout way, what I’m trying to say is to find your own way. Many fall under the “I have to or it doesn’t" type of thought process. Not saying that at some junctures this isn’t the appropriate action. In many cases, our life will lead us to where we should be. I trust enough in myself that I will know the answer/ direction to take when it happens. The real question is will I do it… Thanks for the comments! 🙂
Possibly, we passed each other on the street, neither knowing how much we have in common. Perhaps we purchased the same dress and hurried home in private to hopefully find that it fit. Maybe right now you’re staring at the same ‘sister’ and thinking, “how did she do that, she looks beautiful?" It’s a complex fuzzy line between who and what we’d like to be. It’s a line difficult for many of us to cross (as you so eloquently explained), so we do the best be can for all concerned. I know I do. But “DAMN" I miss Rowena on… Read more »
@Rowena Nicely put! I’m in a strange place, first time ever. I can freely dress whenever I wish. I thought it might consume me and put me into deciding to move more in that direction. I still might as I am doing some little things that make me more neutral, more of the time. For the near future, that is the path. One goal that I would like to meet is to find someone to share this side of me with. The dog is great, but… you know… Thanks for the comments!