Nothing scares us more than the erratic pattern of our crossdressing lives; sometimes forced by situations such as vacations or extended guests staying at the house, or even the Pandemic. The most worrisome is the break that happens when I can but don’t dress, even more so than the extended dressing when I really start to believe that transition is the next logical step.
Such is the life of being more than just a crossdresser. If I’m being truthful, I think we all are, but we don’t want to wear the label. I don’t mean this as an affront to those who strongly state their heterosexual maleness with a passion for dressing in women’s garbs as more of a fetish. My comments hereon in hopefully speak to those of you who question your place on the ever-evolving gender scale.
I’m going to skip the science lecture on genetics and DNA. Let’s just talk about it in a commonsense way. We are equally (other than our male Y chromosome) parts of our mother and father. That small Y puts us on the path toward being male, but it doesn’t preclude us from inheriting traits from our mothers. My point is that when you take away only the “sex” component, we are a product of the historical evolution of men and women. It has produced all humanity and its versions, forever being blended together as the purity of containment disperses worldwide. There are still pockets where iconic traits still hold, but for how much longer? We are by nature an ongoing mutation toward…
Our deviancy isn’t genetic, it’s social, religious, and construed by those who wish to suppress it. Who we love, how we look, the color of our eyes, our health, etc. are all products of inherited traits. Having or not having the Y chromosome in the simplified meaning enforces determined sexual characteristics. It doesn’t wire our brains to align with as much as we might believe. That is what culture, society, and religion do plus all the other genetic input. I can’t speak to this, as I am not on HRT, but the effect of testosterone and estrogen balance clearly alters perceptions. Do I have the desire to be feminine because I’m naturally inclined with more estrogen? If they shot me full of testosterone, would I cease in my desire to dress? This is the battle raging in the political arena. Their major determination for being male or female is the presence of the Y chromosome and the produced or lack of physical traits. Common sense should abound, but it rarely does. We know better.
Open mind or closed mind? No middle ground? The world is this or that, with me or against me! The truth is that certainty is the minority, and the grey area is the majority, as it is in most things. Otherwise, we’d never have fuzzy math or the invention of new words. Science adapts, so why doesn’t culture? It does, but only when dragged out of the dark ages by the masses who overthrow the established order. Our history (worldwide) has been shaped by war and counterwars, similar to what we find going on today.
So where has my woman gone? Nowhere! She ebbs and flows with the moments and the expectations of what is needed. When I go a few days and haven’t dressed, I guarantee that I’ve thought about it, wanted to, and sometimes said, “Nah, not today.” If that turns into a week or a month, is it significant? Is something changing and I need to reassess? That’s where the anxiety of being who I am likes to rear is ugly head (the voices of doubt and society trying to sway the grey.) The last three weeks have been one of limited (for me not on vacation) dressing patterns. When looking at it backward with thought, it isn’t what I might have tried to make it out to be; a changing attitude toward myself and what I think I am. No, it was really nothing at all. Like many of you, my femininity loves to be expressed by long nails, hair, heels, dresses, the full experience. I get by most days or the rest of my day by the simple pleasure of wearing “typical” women’s underwear (cotton even and plain colored). I had an estate sale to get ready for, outside yard work that needed to be done, household cleaning projects, several consecutive days of events to attend, a get-together with my daughter and her family, and dealing with a major bout of poison ivy. None of those things screamed, “Put on my dress and heels,” let alone artificial long nails and makeup. If I’d transitioned and had my own long hair and nails, I’d be mad because of the damage done to them, and I most assuredly wouldn’t have had my makeup on while weed-whacking (catching my usual case of poison ivy) or digging up the garden.
I am allowed to feel as I feel for the situation that I am in. It isn’t and doesn’t need to be black or white or pertaining to be male or female. If I were on the female side, I’d put on my garden gloves, tie my hair back in a ponytail, throw on my grubby clothes, and go to work. Is that male-oriented? See… society and culture thoughts getting in the way. We do it to ourselves; this is what I think is female and what is male; why? Because I’m always looking for justification. Being a blend of male and female isn’t bad, it’s actually pretty basic within all of us. We place too much emphasis on the outliers, the things we see as pertinent points, such as that which only a male or female has or would do. Not long ago women couldn’t vote and only men could be members at Agusta National Golf Course. Perceptions change, albeit very slowly, but change is inevitable. With inevitability, there is also hope. With hope there is the possibility of attainment.
I had to fill out a few questionnaires recently. One, I still marked male, the other I bravely used one of the other descriptive categories-non gender conforming. I’ve noticed an increased selection option with many requests instead of just Male, Female, other, or prefer not to say. That’s a positive step. I type this in my usual Brina dressing style sans makeup and nails. Later today, it’s painting outside in my full male on, but Brina will be smiling inside, even smirking because someday she might actually be doing something similar while having her (or wig) hair in a ponytail… not that it matters because who we are is more than just a Y chromosome or lack of.
Until next time, be happy in the moments you find peace and breathe deeply when you feel the anxiety rising. You got this!
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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As I take the day to rest and reflect in my nightgown and robe after a strenuous day of gardening the day before, I look back on how I got here. Having grown up between two sisters and a doughty mother who spent most of her time raising me as herself amongst everything feminine including clothing to house decor I can only believe it to be a strong influence as to my choice. That and a father who didn’t care much to raise me as his son because he was more into himself and his work. As a parent he… Read more »
Thanks for the comments and for sharing where you came from and to where you have arrived. I agree that we sometimes misrepresent the difference in traits with genetic labels. Traits are not sex considerate but rather the tendencies of the person who passed them on. Society is the one who needs to make them male or female. Like you, my strength and convictions came more through my mother than my father.
I appreciate your empathy and look forward to reading more of your articles. It’s nice to talk with those who have shared similar situations.
What a fantastic article … Its like I was reading the thoughts in my head. Thank you
Thanks! Super way to say so 🙂
Some food for thought for sure. My wife (who knows about Rikki, but I would describe her as more tolerant than supportive) commented last week that she thinks I am “gender fluid". As far as labels go, that one is not that far off, since there are times when I HAVE to dress, and there are times when I don’t. I look at gender differently than sexual activity preference. I would put myself as bisexual but non practicing, if that makes any sense to anyone.
I hear Brina and thank you for your insightful words.
Rikki
Thanks for the comments and description. I totally agree that one isn’t the other. Society began to recognize that and now… who knows. I know that HAVE to feeling 🙂
What a wonderful description, thank you for sharing Brina.
Thanks for the compliment!
Thank you Brina,
I needed this! I have too many questions about myself lately. The anxiety has really been building. What you shared with us here helps a lot!
Yes, we’ve got this!
Hugs,
Lara
Thanks for commenting! It is easy to let our minds run wild. I’ve done my share. The fear eats the anxiety and suddenly I’m near panic. where will I end up? I don’t know, but it will be fine as long as I breathe and do my best to maintain the balance of the moment. The scales will change, and so must I.
This article is…. mind blowing! Well done Brina! Reading it for me had so much meaning, so much I could easily relate to, and in words and writing that can be so hard to convert my thoughts and feelings into. The constant need of society and others that expect us to identify as a gender label is annoying on most days and frustrating on some. I wish the world around us accepted and celebrated our traits without needing to tie in gender or sexual labels. Wearing a dress or wearing guy clothes, I’m just me exhibiting a trait that may… Read more »
super compliment! Thanks. I used to have to talk myself out of thinking certain things because they were “girly". Now, I go with them and enjoy the observations. I’m with you on noticing those details (which would be construed as in a female thinking way). My brain wants to recognize it and process it. I would be in your place having empathy for the lonely woman and wondering how I might make it better for her. I love sports and competition, but that is a trait and not male induced. I love noticing the feminine accents around me as well,… Read more »
Wow, what a great article. Same as you I was influenced in life more by my mom and sisters than my dad or brother that was 5 years my senior. Even now after over 50 years of cross dressing I am still not sure about my sexuality and always wondering.
Thanks! I have two daughters (night and day). One I can talk to endlessly and enjoy going on vacations with. The other I am guarded in what I say, feel as though I’m always under observation (negatively) and generally have to deal with anxiety being around her. Saying that, I’m proud of her and we manage to have great times together once we “settle in". There is a lot of me in her, as there is in the other daughter. The traits she inherited from her mother or genetically, upstream, are similar to my feelings when I had to deal… Read more »
Great article Brina! Thanks for taking the time and sharing!
and to you for reading and commenting… 🙂
Sabrina, What a powerful article. I just recently joined here and am loving the way I have been already embraced and accepted. Too bad real life is not the same…but as you say, change is slow. My SO knows but as with many others, tolerates it, and makes clear she does not want to see me in wigs and makeup. Which for me then severely limits when Courtney gets her time….sad, but for now it is what it is. I told my therapist about Courtney last week and She was wonderful and the one encouraged me to seek out support… Read more »
I try in all of my blog posts onsite to convey some generalities of where most of us have come from, are now, and might be down the road. If I can save a purge (and maybe even a life or relationship) then I have done my job… so to speak. We are much more prevalent in the world that it is ready to acknowledge. For some odd reason, we still try to relegate humans to distinct classes, not even just male or female. If the focus turned entirely to individualism and rights, none of our issues would even be… Read more »
Very very gorgeous legs