If there is one question that is seriously prevalent to my being, it is this: “How do you know?” I’ve asked that question enough times to fill my car with silver dollars. If they made a crossdresser anthem, that would be its title. Although it isn’t just about crossdressing, as it pertains to being transgender as well as any deviation from what they have spelled out as “Normal Behavior.” The “they” in this case are society, politics, religion, culture, history… you get the point.
I’m a mess inside as I struggle to come to any satisfactory explanation as to what I am and what I should be. I am neither male nor female. Ask me today and I might tell you that I’m comfortable being a CD, tomorrow, I may cry as I long to shed the masculine shell completely and become the woman I am, and the day after that… who knows. So again, “How do you know?”
I could rattle off all the things that I do know and try to equate that to some semblance of a dignified answer, but I’m only kidding myself. I don’t know and I wish that someone could give me an answer that is black and white that would help me to know. They can’t because if there were distinctive signposts for us to navigate, we’d all be holding hands and singing happy songs as we walk a similar path and then step off at our designated stop.
If I haven’t lost you, then let me try to rationalize my thoughts. I’m in constant turmoil trying to figure out “How do I know if I’m transgender… more precisely, I’m wanting to know what are all the feelings that make someone feel they are born in the wrong body and should be a female and must go through the process to rectify the mistake, and… I don’t feel that way. So does that make me, what exactly? Here’s the thing; if you gave me the magic pill, I’d take it in a heartbeat (that’s today and not me from 10 or 20 years ago.) My life is settled, and I can face all the obstacles that would come with a complete change. So, if I could take the pill, then why can’t I start the process on my own? “How do you know?”
I used to ask, “How do you know if I’m a crossdresser or just someone who has a kinky fetish for high heels and lingerie? That answer only came after years of trial and tribulations stemming from self-doubt, irritability, and failed relationships. It morphed into, “How do I know if I am more than a crossdresser and possibly transgender?” Does claiming oneself to be transgender suddenly mean they have to pursue hormones and sex reassignment surgery? Will I lose my club card in the CD world and not be fully accepted into the transgender sorority until I start some recognizable process that exemplifies that I am serious about becoming a woman? “HOW DO YOU KNOW?”
I’ve edited hundreds of articles that have asked and attempted to answer that very question, both on CDH and TGH. The multiple truths shared by everyone have only made that question more perplexing. There are some who indeed, KNOW. They know with every fiber of their being, and I applaud them and envy them. I’m drifting on the vast ocean searching for the mythical kingdom where I am going to be accepted for who I am supposed to be. It will likely be that I will die with that question unanswered. And maybe that is ok and in its own way the answer that I’ve been searching for. “How do you know?” could easily be reshaped to state, “Why do I have to know?” My happiness today, and long into the future isn’t going to be answered by a collection of points that detail a progression from here to there. My line is my line and I only need to accept what I am willing to, nothing more.
How do I know if I’m transgender? I don’t, but I think that I am, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t “Check” all the boxes. It shouldn’t take away from this wonderful experience, one that lets me enjoy being a complete crossdresser. I love femininity and there is nothing wrong with my appreciation of it. I’m single so I’m hurting no one—this is different for those in relationships. Not that I wouldn’t love to be in a relationship with an accepting individual. If it happens, great! I’m not holding my breath. I don’t know, so I’ll keep taking one high heel step in front of the other as I sashay along the path to… wherever I eventually land. My guess is that I will never dock my boat at the magical kingdom. It’s possible that I might even drift further away from it. How do I know? Who cares?
It’s time for me to be content in understanding that I won’t find answers to my questions in the stories of others, but what I will find are similarities that have importance to me. If I were to undergo some of the procedures, I can find examples of what to expect. That is essential information to have.
Each of us, in our personal way, asks the same question, “How do you know?” I think we feel the need to garner reassurances, an “It’s okay to feel that way,” even the recognition from our fellow members that our posted picture shows our inner female. The line between being transgender and just a crossdresser is as blurry as a 1960s television station without rabbit ears. (Sorry, couldn’t resist throwing some “old” humor out there.) That is why many of us will never find that particular answer. And… that is perfectly fine because the only answer that you need is the one that pertains to you finding your balance in life and the means to navigate it with happiness and compassion.
If there was one thing that I wish I could have told my younger self, it would be this, “Buy the shoes! Wear the dress! Treat yourself and others with respect and love everyone for who they are and not what they should be according to what society dictates.” Okay, that was much more than one thing. You get my point. I spent too much time hating myself and it took a toll on those around me. Today, I live by being as compassionate as I can. I have lots of years to still make up for, but at least I now like the person (whether in a dress or not) I’ve become and am still becoming.
May your life be enriched by the duplicity of treading the line between male and female, it is most assuredly a blessing and not a curse…
Until next time…
Interestingly enough, I have been laboring over the same questions as you have. The urge to have a firm resolve compelled me to think a decision had to be made. I had to go one way or the other. It has slowly occurred to me that it’s my world and that I can have it most any way I choose! What I came to realize is that although I truly enjoy feeling like a woman. I can do this in private while still going out in the world. Becoming one would make it become public. Converging my world on to… Read more »
Well put and very wise! 🙂
So Yes Roberta ! I feel the exact way .
Thank You Brina.. It can be daunting at times, the inner turmoil has gotten to me too many times as well.. I think we are all a “Work in Progress", I also feel Myself leaning more towards Trans, excepting that I Do Love this Persona, This woman I see in the Mirror.. But I agree with Roberta, I will keep this life to Myself and Hopefully the friends I Make & hope to meet along the way on this path.. Loved ones & Friends don’t “need to know" & I don’t feel the" Need to Tell".. I will just go… Read more »
Thanks for commenting! I think that what we are sharing will be a help to those who are newer to this lifestyle or struggling to get a handle on what it all means!
This is an interesting article. If the magic pill existed I too would gladly take it. I echo what you wrote and yes buy the dress and heels life is too short and we should enjoy the prettier side if we so desire. As for me I’m too old and I won’t transition so I will walk the middle of the the lane and just enjoy wearing dresses as much as possible.
Thanks for this article I enjoyed it.
Susan
Thanks, Susan! I echo much of what you say. I’m more like a clumsy drunk; walking in the middle isn’t an option as I’m bound to stagger from side to side. 😉
Hi Brina. Thanks for sharing this with us. You articulate so well what all of us struggle with on a daily basis. This is especially true for those of us who came of age well before the internet existed and we were able to connect with others who felt the same way. For me, although this is a daily/hourly/minute-by-minute question (in other words, it is constantly on my mind), I’ve come to a semi-rationalization that for whatever reason, God made me this way, so I was born this way. Why? I don’t know, and likely never will. Maybe some day… Read more »
Very well put! I’ve nothing to add as you said it all!
Well Brina that is the ultimate question. We live in a world of labels, an internet, media and psychlogists with views and boxes they want to put us in. It used to be simple as a child, I liked wearing girls clothes, it felt right and I was happy that way. Society thought differently so I was castigated and feared being that way but still felt that way. I then grew into puberty and things changed bodily and sexually. The clothes didn’t fit or look right, I acted masculine but I still felt that way. I then started to look… Read more »
Thank you for sharing. You elaborated on my own feelings and where I hope I may end up someday. I am happy to hear that you have found the balance in your life that works for you 🙂
Ever since I was a child I’ve felt apart from the male world and more in the female world, at first I thought it was a phase something one goes thru and looks back and laugh about. At first I thought I could dampen these female thoughts and feelings or it was a clothes fetish. I tried in my mid 20s to stop feeling like i do, settled down had a family kids etc but it was always there at the back ( your living a lie and being fake) after my marriage went belly up I tried living as… Read more »
Krissy, thank you for the compliment and for sharing your thoughts. I would agree that it is much easier for me to feel happy in a dress than in male mode, not that I don’t have happy moments, but it isn’t as easy. I’m like you, much happier with female acquaintances than male, though I don’t have the chance to be with as many females as I do with males. I need to find a way to resolve that issue… Thanks!
When I dressed as a male I felt like a fake and living a huge lie! Now that I have started living as a female I feel that I’m being my true self. I’ve always felt more at home in a dress and plus ladies lingerie is much comfy and easy to slip on. I never felt at home in boxer shorts as I always longed for something silky and sleek. Since I adopted my new way of living ive never been happier and I love to buy my myself a new dress or my fav shoes as ive become… Read more »
Brina, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Like you, I now live alone after my 36 year marriage ended. While I regret that my marriage ended, now I can dress as feminine as I want whenever I want. It is such a thrill to step out of my car in a skirt and heels and walk into a store or mall. Do I pass? Probably not. But I don’t really care. I have thought about transitioning but what’s left of my family would probably not accept me as a transgender woman. I could at least work up the will to… Read more »
Kerri, Thanks for the kind words. I’m right there with you on losing the weight. I dropped 30# from my high after suffering with knee issues and gallbladder for nearly 2 years. I still have another 20 to go to get to my “Ideal" weight.
Hi Girls, Thank you Brina. Many of you know my story, but for those who don’t, a bit of it. I am a transgender person, I am a trans woman. I have known this for as long as my memory goes back in my mind. I reached a point in my life last year, after having life saving heart surgery, that I could no longer live the lie I had been living for most of my life. So I have transitioned, and now live and work as a woman. After going through the necessary steps I am now legally a… Read more »
Lauren, you compliment my point. Unfortunately, I don’t just know, I assume, I think, and then I waver. Would a prolonged visit to a therapist help… probably, would starting HRT merge my mind more with my what I tend to believe, most likely. Maybe the question shouldn’t be how do you know, but how do you know for certain? I am glad that you have posted your story here, I think it is important that we all realize the individualistic nature of this decision, and that it doesn’t have to be either or. Thanks for the important insights that you… Read more »
Thank you for this piece, Sabrina. I am struggling too. Who am I Female or Male? Maybe a bit of both? I sound like an old record but through Danielle, I found calm and confidence. I don’t think I i will ever be passable to go in public but never say never, right?
I know that Danielle is here to stay. And she makes me a better person. Now if I can just learn to walk in heels LOL Keep the faith Sabrina Peace and love
Thanks, Dani… you, too! I hate to admit it, but this last year I actually started buying shorter heels. We need to find a place in our minds where we can be content. That is the priority to surviving and thriving in this life. Having family support is great if available, but when it works against you, life is all the tougher. I don’t have the answers, just some experiences that might help a few others. Thanks for the comments 🙂
Thanks for your article, Brina. I too keep questioning am I male or female??? That is why right now I call myself ‘gender questioning’. because I don’t know where I will end up on the gender spectrum. It is like when I tell someone why I CD I tell them what my head says now, but tomorrow or next hour may be something different. I say that this CD/TG business for me is like trying to nail jello to the wall, you just can’t nail it down. Now I might be heading down the road in another way, I just… Read more »
That’s cool! I’d love to have a spot to work as Brina… Thanks for sharing! 🙂