I’m one of those who likes word play or is it a play on words? The wonderful double meaning, secret message, or even the humorous slam that passes by most who read it. I know I double up as the Managing editor for the site but trust me when I say writing is my passion not correcting grammar and punctuation. Those of you who have had me as their editor know I do my best to keep your words, yours. In general, most readers aren’t aware of the incorrect usage or spelling mistakes; they are in it for the flow and feeling that comes from your heart. I hope those of you who haven’t written an article will consider doing so… we need you! We need to hear from you because our similarities need to be expanded on and shared… for the benefit of those who are searching for their own answers.
Okay… What’s next? Such an open statement! Throw in a crossdresser who is uncertain about their truth, add in a life-changing decision, and that sets the stage for a _____ 2023! (You can place nearly any descriptive term you want in the space, and it wouldn’t be far off.) I’m an introvert, not one that is afraid of being social. I just prefer my quietness. If I didn’t golf and bowl, I wouldn’t go out much. I love to write and hate marketing and book signings. NOT entirely true… I hate going to book signings. The time there is fine. I am adept at public speaking, can hold an audiences’ attention, and appear to be somewhat of a social butterfly… only wish they could see me in my party dress and heels…
I ponder Brina all the time: would she be outgoing? Would she be the eye catcher in the room… yep! For all the wrong reasons. At 6 feet 5 inches in her heels, she couldn’t help but tower over the room and draw attention (unless attending a women’s volleyball or basketball party.) If the makeup isn’t perfect, her voice buttery sweet, and every bit of manliness scrubbed away, she would stand out and be called out, so she stays home… for now.
But… is her time running out? There are many older gals who gave up their crossdressing (dreams) when they got too old (again, what is too old?) So many of us are more than just a CD, living a form of our true selves when we can through our needed and desired dressing, knowing that if life and circumstances had been different, we might have chosen another path. I’m one of those. My life for the last five years has been taking care of my parents, sharing a home with them so they could remain there. Mom passed in November 2021 and I’m facing the steady decline of my father. He will have part of his foot amputated shortly because of his diabetes. At 95 his life has been full, but this past year it has taken a dramatic toll on him… on me.
I sold my advisory practice (yes; I had a life other than being a novelist—something had to pay the bills to support my hobby… lol) I will look for something else to supplement my life until I decide to pack it all in. My love, besides writing, has been in service to others. I hope to find a niche in that area going forward. The reward is in helping others not the money but finding a way to do both will be good for me and my soul.
All of this matters, because I’m not alone in making my plans. Even though I’m not two people, I need to be cognizant of how each part is affected by a singular decision. My best guess is my father won’t last two more years, my sister’s health is marginal, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she passes in the next five years as well. That leaves me orphaned. My daughters once knew that I crossdressed, as it was the catalyst that ended my marriage (that was almost 20 years ago) and we haven’t discussed it since. They are astute and I’m willing to wager they suspect. We have a great relationship so I don’t push it, but should I find myself alone, without responsibilities, will I need to broach that subject with them? If other things fall into place, I could see myself in some form of transition… to a more visible neutrality, maybe more… The world would open to me in ways it never has; the only thing to stop me… is me.
You could say that I’m at a crossroads… living for the present and contemplating the (not so distant) future. Visions that were once only that have become possibilities. I can tell in the way that I look at items to purchase (a girl loves to shop, and you read my article about eBay.) I look for me, no longer for what was my dream image. I’m never going to be her, but I can be a respectable me. I know what hair color works the best (dirty blonde or blonde shades, occasionally with some red), the style of dresses that show me the best, and I’ve even bought several lower (sensible) heels… you know… just in case I venture out.
I believe my reflection is healthy; mentally and physically. I might be a few pounds heavier than this past summer, but I worry less about losing it, it will come off again and then some. My knees are doing better, my hearing is getting worse, “What?” One of the other reasons I sold out and is also an impediment to finding other avenues… (Can you tell I’m having fun with my wordplay…) Is there anything sadder than a deaf introvert? Don’t answer that… Can’t even keep myself company (lol). Hard to read lips when you are the one doing the talking. Okay… I’m done…
What’s next is the certainty that something will most likely will change. How far and by how much remains to be seen. If you are like me, then you might have felt burdened in many ways. Responsibilities, necessity, fear, and all the other feelings we have as adults, not to mention as crossdressers, make for a strenuous life. I have found solace in allowing myself to be me. I’m kinder to those around me and much more forgiving than in the past. It started when I first forgave myself. Being a crossdresser does not make one a bad person. The opposite in fact. When I fought it, I was in a perpetual bad mood, hating myself and the world. Cut yourself some slack! There is so much to be thankful for with this gift (read my last article.)
We have one life, and those we love are important, too. As we want them to be happy, they wish the same for us. None of us would accept another’s selfishness, so we need to be careful when we are given freedom to express our true selves. This journey is yours alone, and yet it can touch for better and worse so many others, and it is also similar in progression to those who have gone before you. What we do to make today better for all of us will impact the future of those who come behind us.
I wish you good tidings for 2023! I sincerely hope to read one of your own submissions to the Author section. We have editors waiting to help you express yourself. We do like them to be at least 500 words long. 🙂
Until next time! May the sun warm your spirits, love embrace you, and your words flow freely…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- It’s a Wonderful (CD) Life
- A Crossdresser Thanksgiving
- Where has My Woman gone?
- To Be or Not (No, it’s to be!)
- Farmer’s Tan