I’m one of those who likes word play or is it a play on words? The wonderful double meaning, secret message, or even the humorous slam that passes by most who read it. I know I double up as the Managing editor for the site but trust me when I say writing is my passion not correcting grammar and punctuation. Those of you who have had me as their editor know I do my best to keep your words, yours. In general, most readers aren’t aware of the incorrect usage or spelling mistakes; they are in it for the flow and feeling that comes from your heart. I hope those of you who haven’t written an article will consider doing so… we need you! We need to hear from you because our similarities need to be expanded on and shared… for the benefit of those who are searching for their own answers.
Okay… What’s next? Such an open statement! Throw in a crossdresser who is uncertain about their truth, add in a life-changing decision, and that sets the stage for a _____ 2023! (You can place nearly any descriptive term you want in the space, and it wouldn’t be far off.) I’m an introvert, not one that is afraid of being social. I just prefer my quietness. If I didn’t golf and bowl, I wouldn’t go out much. I love to write and hate marketing and book signings. NOT entirely true… I hate going to book signings. The time there is fine. I am adept at public speaking, can hold an audiences’ attention, and appear to be somewhat of a social butterfly… only wish they could see me in my party dress and heels…
I ponder Brina all the time: would she be outgoing? Would she be the eye catcher in the room… yep! For all the wrong reasons. At 6 feet 5 inches in her heels, she couldn’t help but tower over the room and draw attention (unless attending a women’s volleyball or basketball party.) If the makeup isn’t perfect, her voice buttery sweet, and every bit of manliness scrubbed away, she would stand out and be called out, so she stays home… for now.
But… is her time running out? There are many older gals who gave up their crossdressing (dreams) when they got too old (again, what is too old?) So many of us are more than just a CD, living a form of our true selves when we can through our needed and desired dressing, knowing that if life and circumstances had been different, we might have chosen another path. I’m one of those. My life for the last five years has been taking care of my parents, sharing a home with them so they could remain there. Mom passed in November 2021 and I’m facing the steady decline of my father. He will have part of his foot amputated shortly because of his diabetes. At 95 his life has been full, but this past year it has taken a dramatic toll on him… on me.
I sold my advisory practice (yes; I had a life other than being a novelist—something had to pay the bills to support my hobby… lol) I will look for something else to supplement my life until I decide to pack it all in. My love, besides writing, has been in service to others. I hope to find a niche in that area going forward. The reward is in helping others not the money but finding a way to do both will be good for me and my soul.
All of this matters, because I’m not alone in making my plans. Even though I’m not two people, I need to be cognizant of how each part is affected by a singular decision. My best guess is my father won’t last two more years, my sister’s health is marginal, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she passes in the next five years as well. That leaves me orphaned. My daughters once knew that I crossdressed, as it was the catalyst that ended my marriage (that was almost 20 years ago) and we haven’t discussed it since. They are astute and I’m willing to wager they suspect. We have a great relationship so I don’t push it, but should I find myself alone, without responsibilities, will I need to broach that subject with them? If other things fall into place, I could see myself in some form of transition… to a more visible neutrality, maybe more… The world would open to me in ways it never has; the only thing to stop me… is me.
You could say that I’m at a crossroads… living for the present and contemplating the (not so distant) future. Visions that were once only that have become possibilities. I can tell in the way that I look at items to purchase (a girl loves to shop, and you read my article about eBay.) I look for me, no longer for what was my dream image. I’m never going to be her, but I can be a respectable me. I know what hair color works the best (dirty blonde or blonde shades, occasionally with some red), the style of dresses that show me the best, and I’ve even bought several lower (sensible) heels… you know… just in case I venture out.
I believe my reflection is healthy; mentally and physically. I might be a few pounds heavier than this past summer, but I worry less about losing it, it will come off again and then some. My knees are doing better, my hearing is getting worse, “What?” One of the other reasons I sold out and is also an impediment to finding other avenues… (Can you tell I’m having fun with my wordplay…) Is there anything sadder than a deaf introvert? Don’t answer that… Can’t even keep myself company (lol). Hard to read lips when you are the one doing the talking. Okay… I’m done…
What’s next is the certainty that something will most likely will change. How far and by how much remains to be seen. If you are like me, then you might have felt burdened in many ways. Responsibilities, necessity, fear, and all the other feelings we have as adults, not to mention as crossdressers, make for a strenuous life. I have found solace in allowing myself to be me. I’m kinder to those around me and much more forgiving than in the past. It started when I first forgave myself. Being a crossdresser does not make one a bad person. The opposite in fact. When I fought it, I was in a perpetual bad mood, hating myself and the world. Cut yourself some slack! There is so much to be thankful for with this gift (read my last article.)
We have one life, and those we love are important, too. As we want them to be happy, they wish the same for us. None of us would accept another’s selfishness, so we need to be careful when we are given freedom to express our true selves. This journey is yours alone, and yet it can touch for better and worse so many others, and it is also similar in progression to those who have gone before you. What we do to make today better for all of us will impact the future of those who come behind us.
I wish you good tidings for 2023! I sincerely hope to read one of your own submissions to the Author section. We have editors waiting to help you express yourself. We do like them to be at least 500 words long. 🙂
Until next time! May the sun warm your spirits, love embrace you, and your words flow freely…
Brina
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
View all articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)
- And so it goes… - April 17, 2024
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- The Gift - February 8, 2024
- Good Intentions - January 7, 2024
- It’s a Wonderful (CD) Life - December 4, 2023
Thank you Brina. I’m in the 4th quarter of my life. Hopefully I will get a couple more touchdowns, maybe even go into overtime. I won’t be going to the Super Bowl but I think I did a good job.
Love the analogies… fun! Thanks for commenting 🙂
Hi Brina, As someone whom has been my “CDH editor" for quite a while, plus being in “your mature age group", may I “join in the chorus" and thank you for such a great article. Plus of course answering all my various article queries etc. In terms of more articles from me, we will have to wait until the Australian summer has left us and make it cool enough for Caty to go (bra) shopping en femme or out to dinner. EG Ten years this year since my good friend and talented make up artist Michelle did my “Marie Antoinette"… Read more »
I kind of look at it from my own perception; the article section is about the feeling and the moments that make us. The media section is about the presentation, and forums the exploration of questions and search for answers. At times, some try to combine all of them into the article or even under a picture. I can’t answer for the other sections other than we all follow certain guidelines to ensure site stability as the haven it is.
I appreciate the compliments! I’ll keep an eye out for the next article 🙂
Hello Brina,
I enjoyed reading this article as I’ve enjoyed other articles from you as well.
I have contemplated sharing my story so many times but, I am not a writer. Sometimes my thoughts and how I communicate them is challenging. Articulation is not my strong suit, although as Vanessa I do feel I am somehow better at expressing my feelings.
I assume my story is similar to a lot of other stories that I’ve read on this site. So I don’t know how much I’d be contributing. I do think that I’d like to share something…perhaps someday.
Hugs,
Vanessa
No fears or worries, Vanessa. We have editors to help you along the way. If you can get your thoughts down, they will help with the formatting, grammar, and punctuation. Our role is to help you share your story. Every article that you read had gone through editing… even mine… 🙂
Sabrina, you and I share a lot of similar traits, feelings and expressions. I can definitely see a time in your future when you will be able to express yourself in the most genuine way you feel the need to express. When you talk about your height, I’m reminded of another beautiful person, actress Hannah Waddingham. She is 5 foot 10 and stunning and reminds me very much of you. I know that if you wanted to you could do it. From my own experience when I came out in the Jewish times, did an article about me photographer finds… Read more »
Great insights and words of encouragement 🙂 My “true" time will come, and how it all plays out is yet to be seen. Lots of changes going on this year. I see it as a building block to a “settled" future. Thanks for sharing!