Ask for help along your transgender journey

Recently while wandering the highways and byways of the internet I came by the below article about why so many of us are reluctant to ask for help even when we clearly need it. I certainly include myself in this group. I had always felt like those who went to counselors just needed to “stand up straight and move on”. No need to think about the past and I should know exactly how to move forward into the future which of course I should be able to easily foresee! Til reality decided to give me a wake-up smack in the head! (Read: Starting Counseling and the Road to Recovery) Suddenly , I was no longer the confident person who knew exactly what should happen next! No longer the person who stood on his own two feet-uninterested in what others had to say! Now I was the one who needed help-who needed aid and comfort-who needed to humble myself and accept that I DIDN’T have all the answers.

Please take some time to read over the article and see if you recognize yourself anywhere in it! Then save a copy of this for the next time you are buffeted by life’s circumstances. Remember-you are not alone but surrounded by hundreds of us who have been through many of the same things you may be dealing with. Please feel free to PM me or any of the ambassadors if you need help. We will help you ourselves as much as possible and also get you in touch with further resources as needed. Allow us the blessing of helping you by offering a listening ear, friendly advice, and the love and support of the CDH community!


Stepping Out Secrets

Are You Reluctant to Ask for Help?

People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:

· You shouldn’t be a burden on others. You must handle things alone.

· If you ask for help, you will bother people and they won’t like you.

· You have to be perfect at everything or you aren’t good enough.

· If you admit you need help, you are weak and people will lose respect for you.

· You should be independent. If you need anything from others you are inadequate.

· You should be able to figure things out on your own. If you can’t, something is wrong with you.

· You may be afraid of rejection, ridicule and/or losing the respect of others. (Were you ever ridiculed as a child for shortcomings? This experience may have created this fear.)

· You must impress other people or you are deficient or stupid.

These subconscious rules or policies feel like truth in your head. But they aren’t. You think they are serving you because they feel like they keep you safe from judgment or rejection, but they are costing you more than they’re helping. You are protecting your ego’s need to impress other people, but you are suffering and miserable. Is it really worth it?

Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life.

The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students.

Shame Keeps You Trapped

There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME?

It is an acronym —; Should Have Already Mastered Everything.
How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn’t possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value.

Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same.

When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead.

What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value.

Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids.

Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless.

This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves.

Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them.

Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults.

We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us.

Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids.
Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):

· If others offer their help, accept. Give them a chance to serve you.

· Start asking for help but avoid asking people who scare you (you know what I mean) the people who are quick to judge or who treat you as less than them already. Find people you can trust to accept you, no matter what. Practice asking them for help, and choose to remember your value is the same the whole time.
· Practice exposing yourself to risk and being vulnerable. You may want to read “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. It’s a great book on this topic. We would all benefit from having the courage to be vulnerable.

· Remember what other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same exact you no matter what they think. Their opinions don’t mean anything and they can’t hurt you unless you let them. You are bulletproof.
· Remember, strength comes from fearlessness. Strong people ask for help more. It is weak people who are scared and don’t.

· Remember, every situation that shows up in your life is here to teach you something. This means that every problem you encounter is meant to be solved and the answers you need are meant to be found through someone around you. The universe can’t make you ask for their help, though. That part you must do on your own.

· Start giving more help to others. Look for opportunities to share what you know and help others solve their problems. While doing this make sure you see them as the same as you. You will see that you don’t lose respect for them because they asked. You might actually respect them more.

· Be fearless and step outside your comfort zone a little every day. Trust in your absolute value and your perfect classroom journey. Choose to focus on other people instead of yourself. This will make you feel safe even when taking a risk.

· Take some time and rewrite some new policies (based in trust) to replace the fear-based rules you have let drive your thinking before now.

· Asking for help is not being a burden. I just give the person an out if they need it.

· You don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. You are good enough all the time.

· Strong, wise people ask for help and are respected for their strength.

· No one is really independent. As human being we need each other, and it’s meant to be that way.

· You don’t have to figure things out on your own. We are meant to help each other.

· If you focus on impressing other people, they will feel your need to impress and lose respect for you. Just be yourself and own your flaws, people will respect you for it. It takes courage to be vulnerable.

· Everyone needs professional advice once in awhile. We can’t all be experts at everything. Why suffer one minute longer when professional help is nearby.

Hope this helps.

You can do it!

  1. Lucinda Hawkns 3 years ago

    why do real woman dislike there boy friend or husband cross dress or find out they cross dress? i realize it is a shock to them that their BF or husband cross dresses, but they should realize that its hard for us cross dressers to come out and tell her that he cross dresses, then there is being busted cross dressing. we do also feel hurt or shocked. the answer here is to sit and talk about how we both feel about the situation and come to terms. why, what, when will all come soon when time comes. providing she will sit and listen. its not that we want to be females or be gay, its all about looking pretty and letting our fem side out. for some cross dressers it could be that they want to be females and proceed with surgery. for others its all about seeing how pretty they can be as a female. female clothing is also more comfortable to wear, not to mention pretty. you just cant put on a dress and except to look pretty, you have to start with panties, bra, nylons and make up and jewelry, and the dress or skirt and blouse then perfume. if you are going to dress like a female to feel like a woman for a day or week or what ever you like, you have to go the hole way. for me its all about walking in her shoes for a day or weekend or what ever i prefer. its more like each day is great for me. i am a stay home dad and retired so i do all the house work, so why not dress like a female and enjoy the sensation of being a female

  2. Katherine 3 years ago

    Unfortunately I am neither retired nor are my wife and I in a financial position to maintain me as a “househusband”, although many years ago we agreed that this is what we both wanted.

    In the days when I had a regular Monday to Friday job, we set aside the weekends for me to take on the persona of “woman of the house”: on stepping in the front door after work on a Friday afternoon, I would immediately be taken to the bathroom to strip, wash, wax and be lightly “made up” with face powder, eyeliner and lipstick. Thereafter I would dress in panties,(and sometimes) camisole and a suitable house dress/blouse and skirt and ladies’ sandals/mules from a section of my wardrobe she had set aside for my female persona.

    That was easy, though, as this was just the fun afternoon/evening – with a drink enjoyed together followed by lovemaking with some play Femdom involved.

    On Saturday morning it was the glare of reality. In between getting my work-related assignments done (not to mention the regular “guy stuff” like washing the car, mowing the lawn,etc.), I had to prepare breakfast (in my nightie and feminine house slippers), then do the dishes, clean the kitchen, do the laundry (including washing her panties/bras/stockings by hand).
    After that I went down to the supermarket (in sort of “unisex” pants and shirt – but wearing practical female underwear underneath).

    After unpacking the groceries and planning meals for the next two days, it would be the weekly cleanup of the house – every other weekend or so also bedding and curtains, etc and washing of windows).

    One or two of her female friends would sometimes pop in later on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon and inevitably I would hover between kitchen and living room, making the snacks and tea/coffee. For these visits, it woud not be frilly/elaborate dresses, but again the women’s slacks/pants and blouses (that were slightly androgenous and could pass as male attire – but with the inevitable female underwear and a hint of make up on my face).

    This was sometimes terrifying and humiliating, as I am sure that sometimes these women knew what was going on. Certainly, one or two of them smirked and regarded me(I suspect) with a mixture of pity and contempt.

    Nevertheless, one of them once told my wife that she envied her having such a helpful, obedient husband.

    I now work in a field that has no regular working hours and while I may be at work for days or weeks on end I sometimes end up being at home for a week or two.
    Invariably, the household chores have been left to accumulate for me to do with no sense of “let’s pretend” or “erotic fun”.

    It’s mere drudgery. I have no time for make up or pretty outfits. Housework is neverending and thankless.

    While I still feel a certain satisfaction after hours of frenetic labour at seeing a sparklingly clean bathroom or kitchen – or a fragrant, well made up bedroom with polished furniture and starched bows on pillowcases – not to mention her neatly arranged lingerie drawers with panties attractively folded – I must admit that it is not what it seems to those would-be submissive men/sissies out there who spend their time preening at prancing before the mirror.

    Who will do the “guy jobs” around the house if you spend hours admiring your manicure (and impractical evening gowns), let alone get the “woman’s work” done?

    It’s really full time and what you need is at most a full foundation panty and a maid’s overall (one that isn’t tight around the chest). You cannot do high dusting, scrubbing, laundry and cooking in anything else.

    An interesting outcome of our journey, though, is that our daughter – who grew up seeing me in a subordinate position and prevailed upon at all times to perform “female tasks” – now shares with me in a way that I imagine girls share with their mothers:

    she invites me to go shopping with her and help her select outfits and even her underwear. She will also, when dressing up for a special occassion, ask my opinion on her choice of accessories and of nail polish.

    Some three weeks ago, my crowning glory came when she asked me to do her nails for a 21st Birthday Party (themed white-and black).

    Although slightly embarrassed and awkward at first, I helped her do alternating black-and-white/white-and black polka dot patterns on her fingernails and toenails.

    A gratifying outcome, at least, of the years of my doing her hair before school, ironing her clothes, getting her panties off the washing line and folding them beautifully, etc.

  3. romi chambers 3 years ago

    Great moments in your life’s journey!

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