Several years ago, I was driving with a company that purchased pick-up trucks from southern Alberta and delivered them to a dealership in Montana. The long hours on the road allowed me lots of time to listen to audio books. I listened to many books, but one phrase in one book that stood out for me was “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” It was found in the ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Steven R Covey. I was deeply immersed in the Mormon religion back then. Mr Covey might well cringe to see that I have traded my priestly duties, black suit and tie for a silk scarf, leggings and mascara; I am okay with that.
Yet, that quote stuck with me, and that life skill has proven to be useful and truly very effective throughout my life journey. Previously, I had to fight to be right. I was always one who needed to get my point across. I had to make others see things the way I saw them. I would talk and talk and talk trying to get them to hear me and make them understand, but for the most part, it just resulted in arguments, shouting, and at times even became physical. I was so angry then.
As I began to practice this life skill of seeking first to understand, I noticed the shouting and anger began to subside for me. By seeking to understand another’s position, all I was doing was allowing them to share their opinion. They would tell me all the reasons why they believed I was wrong, sick and bad for wanting to dress as I did. Then, at the end of simply listening quietly, I would say “That’s interesting, and I disagree, but thank you for saying”. I would smile and participate in the drama no longer. I needed to do nothing with their opinion.
I recall having a conversation with a Bishop in my home as he explained his point of view based on his beliefs about who and how I was. He went to great lengths to show me how I needed to change to fit into his idea of how I ‘should be’ for a while, then, I smiled and quietly said “I understand your position sir and I will not change who I am to please others. Your argument is with the One who created me this way, not with me, but I do appreciate the invitation to change; thank you for stopping by”. It wasn’t long after that I was no longer a part of that religion. Now I preach love and acceptance, first for self, then for others.
I listened long enough to understand his position, that my desire to dress pretty was not in alignment with his world view. Okay. Fair enough; I understand that, but I don’t have to agree with it.
Then, I expressed my position so that I too would be understood; I simply disagree with that opinion and I will not change who I am because I was created in this way and I love how I am created.
We parted ways without so much as a raised voice. He continues to follow his beliefs and I continue to follow mine.
I am married to an amazing cis woman who is a devout Catholic. I am not; yet, we live together in wonderful harmony because we do not need to do anything at all with one another’s beliefs. I don’t try to force her to conform to my way of thinking and she does not try to force me to see it her way.
We live in the same house, share our bed and give one another the room to “Be”, needing to do nothing with it.
Often, the drama in our lives is created by our need to make someone else see it our way. We don’t need to; we can go about our day simply being ourselves, side by side in the world without trying to force anything, yet quietly refusing to conform to their expectations. Gandhi, Mandela and many others have created global change in this way.
I take care of myself and do things like going to a public bathroom with a friend waiting outside the door. I don’t force my way into places where I know I am not welcomed.
By simply going on about my day, dressing as I choose, respectfully like most other girls, I am being no threat to anyone and that is seen each time I go out publicly. This summer, I went shopping at a local grocery store several times in my denim shorts and tank top, cute sandals make up and earrings. I was treated with respect.
This week try hitting the reset button by remembering that we do not need to force anyone to change their opinion, and we do not need to change our opinion either. We all have the right to be treated with respect and dignity because we are here on the planet together. Those who seek to control will fall by the wayside in time. Love always, eventually, rises above and the small minds that refuse to evolve go the way of the dinosaur. This I know for sure.
Thank you for reading beautiful souls and thank you for being exactly who you are!
Namaste ‘n huggles
Char
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- Happy Holidays? - December 20, 2021
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LOVE your writing Sweets! Rings genuine and true! I was out today in my most favorite black, blue and white floral Ralph Lauren dress, black Vanity Fair Lace Nouveau panties, and black tights. I attended a family function this weekend, and didn’t pack well to be Dani…I ached for my accoutrements I had left behind, still trying to hide this from my family. What a glorious 3 hour ride home in my pretty car with my Shar Pei, sun shining, 68 degrees, sun roof open, classical music, feeling like 10 million bucks…even stopped at a drive thru for a roadie… Read more »
Hehehe ah yes, sharpen that saw girl hehe.
I completely believe that the more we are seen, even if only online, the more we erase the pre-suppositions created by past unaware minds. Be, or not to Be,,,I choose to Be 🙂
I am grateful for you Dani, and everyone here who has contributed in helping others build the self-assured confidence to also simply “Be"…with out apology.
Namaste’
and always huge huggles sweet soul
Char
Hiya Hon 😉
Your writings are brilliant! I’m just now reading this. I am grateful for you as well Char…I admire your courage that you’ve embraced who you are! I’m glad to be here with you; all of you girls! Thank you so much for your support, understanding, and love! Girl Power!
Emotional maturity should always play a major part of every day we live, and I think you have expressed this idea very well, Char. IMHO, being continually confrontational drains positive energy from us. We don’t need to be door mats for the world to step on. OTOH, there are mature ways to express our grievances, if you believed you have been wronged. I was told in Alcoholics Anonymous that it would take many years, if not decades, to achieve any kind of level of emotional maturity. I now believe they were correct! I took my last drink in 1991.
….aaaand you have become a beautiful Baroness as well Yaaaaaay!!!
I celebrate you Peggy Sue!!
To become a peaceful warrior takes much more courage and intestinal fortitude than to simply yell, throw things and stomp around like a child having a hissy fit. Although I was really good at that for a while hahaha.
EQ is waaaaayyyyyyy more important than IQ hands down, and yup, it’s simple, but not always easy. I am proud of you Peggy, Keep rockin the boat gently hehehe
Namaste’
and always warm huggles for you girl 🙂
Char
“Be reasonable, do it MY way!" This is the mantra so many of us live by, and I have been among the worst in my younger days. Understanding others’ views is a difficult task at which I’m not very good, but learning to not be confrontational goes a long way toward achieving peace of mind. I do believe that I had to accept this different “me" first before I could accept others, whether I agreed with them or not.
Truer words were never spoken Bettylou. Seeking first to understand may just as well be with the authentic self first. Getting to know me, my shadow sides and my worth and value as a human being has been foremost in my growth. I don’t need to understand their “why" just their position hehe. Of course I was presented with much “evidence" as to this persons why, but the only piece I needed to understand was the position. We agreed to disagree and not attempt to change the others position, that was enough to avoid all confrontation and live in peace.… Read more »
I like to tell people that I have no expectation that they will understand, but I do ask for their understanding, For one who wants an explanation, I say that I am not obligated to explain myself to anyone; I’m an adult, and they are not my parent, anyway. Asking for explanation is really asking for some proof, and accommodating them rarely sounds any better than making excuses to them. The proof, the truth, of whom I am would only be seen by looking at the whole of me, and my gender identity and expression are, though important parts, still… Read more »
hahaha Nice!!
You really don’t need anything more than that!!
The only thing to prove, is that we are not going to abide hiding any longer, to support the stuck beliefs of an emotionally immature society.
I have enough cleavage that I often see others, of all genders, staring and I smile.
I know,,,that’s enough hahaha
Namaste’
n huggles for you Connie
Create a magical day my friend 🙂
Char
Dame Veronica Graunwolf………a world traveler………where I come from home?????? Here and there and pretty much where my hat is hanging to-day! I have “World Peace"……………".I AM RIGHT IN ALL MATTERS"………so the rest of the world had darn set in step or suffer a smack on the ear! So says….my MAMMA BEAR!!!!!
LOL………..DAME VERONICA
aaaaand we all know that Mama Bear always has a mighty fierce smack upside the head hahahaha
Dani, wearing Vanity Fair Lace Nouveau panties in any color always makes for a great day!!
Honey, it’s God’s proof he loves us and wants us to be happy!
Char, Great article of course. I think the key is to understand the difference between tolerance and acceptance. One can be cordial civil and polite witt one whose life choices, styles, or beliefs are different with your own by tolerating their behavior and realizing that it doesn’t affect you. I think the problem comes when one party to a disagreement insists that the other party not only tolerates the view opposite their own but must accept that the view opposite their own is the ONLY true answer and if one disagrees then one is considered an evil person who has… Read more »
Awe Thaaaank you yet again for your wonderful feedback Cyn Mwaaaaah!! hehe The line, or boundary place that really made sense for me was “not violating the basic rights of others". Just pondering what I consider “my own rights", or another way to say it, “how I want to be treated" and allowing the same space for others, has helped me to become a much more accepting and even curious person, which has changed my own life from one of suffering and constant drama, to one of adventures, challenges and experiences. Acceptance releases us of the need to do anything… Read more »