In a few days I’ll embark on the next phase of my journey to let my true self shine for all to see. There have been many milestones along the way. Some have been relatively easy such as starting hormones. Others have been a momentous emotional occasion, like legally changing my name, and yet others have been filled with fear and trepidation as I went full time so many months ago.
The next milestone awaiting me promises to be be a physically challenging endeavor laced with emotional upheaval. A life changing surgery awaits me, in hours so short I can count them. Facial feminization surgery will be the first surgery of any kind that I’ve had, and the prospect looms even larger in front of me because of this.
Make no mistake, I’ve pondered long and hard the need for this surgery. I’m blessed that the ravages of testosterone on my body have left my face remarkably untouched. I have not needed to struggle as hard as some to blend in. While SRS is a non-negotiable necessity, some may view facial feminization surgery (FFS) as a narcissistic luxury. Yet those who would only be looking on the surface, and counting what their eyes can see not what their heart cannot hear.
For the first time in my life, I look in the mirror with love for the person staring back at me. Yet even amidst this love my soul harbors a deep disquiet. As if a past before memory calls out to me in a mocking tone, reminding me of all the ways I’m not complete. It’s like looking into the cool oasis waters and seeing a mirage of yourself, wondering whether the real person exists.
As many times as I ask myself, my answer is always, “Yes, I need this to be whole. To be who I am.”.
So, to the lovely ladies of Crossdresser Heaven, I ask for your love, prayers and thoughts of care at this time. You may not hear from me for a while as I recover unless the writing inspiration strikes me with force and I can schedule a few articles in advance.
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