I’ve spent a lot of time on here today talking with people and reading stories, and I had the question asked of me: “When did I first know that I was like all of the other girls here”. I’ve thought about that a lot since, and it made me revisit my childhood and try to remember as far back as I possibly can. Even now, I still don’t know the exact answer to the question. And it’s partially because for me “knowing” was always much more than just my outward presentation. The feeling that I was born in the wrong body has just always been there and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to hide it because of my conservative upbringing.
The question also led me to thinking about other things. Like my sexuality. And when I first discovered I was attracted to both genders, and not just one or the other. Again, it goes back too far for me to come to a specific answer, but I can say this, I think others sensed it in me as early as my childhood, because I had both other boys (who were on the surface totally boy!) as well as girls who were attracted to me. And I explored things during my childhood, I have to admit, with both genders as well. Yet it was always kept a secret.
I understand that sexuality and gender are not necessarily linked, yet it makes me wonder now if, even though I thought I was good at disguising my feminine side and tendencies, did they still seep out and cause otherwise seemingly straight boys to feel attracted to me? I’m so confused by that. And it happened too often for it to be coincidence. I never intentionally presented myself as anything other than straight. I always had a girlfriend and never showed any outward interest in boys to my knowledge. But when they approached me, possibly the girl inside forced her way out for a bit because she was starved for the attention?
I just knew I was not born the right gender, but my family was very conservative and I was so ashamed of who I was. I tried as I got older to repress who I felt I was inside because it was easier to just do that and please everyone else than to bring my family shame. But even though I tried so hard, I could not resist indulging my need to dress and be “me” from time to time when I knew I could without the fear of being caught. I got married at 19 years old to a girl I barely really even knew to try to appear a man. And when she would be out and I knew I’d have the apartment to myself for several hours I would hit her closet and make up and move about our apartment as myself. I would dance and pose in the mirror and talk out loud just to hear my female voice and I was happy for a little while. But it was always short lived as I had to put my man suit back on and once again live a lie.
But I’ve become side tracked. Back to the original question… I am not sure when I “knew”. It has just always been. Let me ask you all the same question: Do any of you know when you realized you were really a girl inside or is it like with me and just kinda always been there?