Look at Yourself - Look Forward

I turn around and am surprised to see
The woman staring back is me
All my flaws and faults remain
Behind the veil I’m still the same

They say that the folly of many a transsexual is to believe that the gender change will end their problems. It’s hard not to look longingly upon that moment, whether it’s going full time, the final surgery or just beginning hormones – and imbue upon it magical powers. As if somehow everything that has gone wrong in your life so far stems from that one, fateful quirk of genetics.

As much as I’ve looked forward to my milestones so far, the joy in passing them is never as sweet as anticipated. The high of progress and becoming oneself fades with time. The transgender paradox is that the more you change, the more you’re the same. Your problems and cares await you the next day no matter how long your hair, or what your cup size is. The demons that vex you don’t care  if you’re post or pre op.

Perhaps I’m still stuck in the middle – Not a man, not yet a woman. Somewhere between sharing myself fully with the world and contemplating such a moment. Perhaps I’ve yet to experience the full freedom I so long for. Yet I’ve come to doubt that the joy of becoming myself will be as a consuming light shining wonderment into every part of my life.

I see it more as a flower tentatively peering into the spring sunshine. A potential for beauty when fully grown, yet delicately susceptible to a late frost or heavy rain fall. While I nurture the promise, I know that after the finest bloom it’s season will pass. The garden of life remains, tangled and overgrown, and all too soon the memory of this joy and accomplishment will fade.

Transitioning is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. As many people as I’ve told, the thought of telling some of my close friends still fills me with dread. I’m daunted by the prospect of coming out at work, and filled with a deep sadness that I’ll never have children of my own.

It is hard. But I must go forward. I’m still me… after all.

For those of you who have walked this road, how did you steel yourself against the howling winds of the future?

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  1. Elizabeth 9 years ago

    "As much as I’ve looked forward to my milestones so far, the joy in passing them is never as sweet as anticipated."

    Time and again, I have been disappointed by exactly that phenomenon. It first happened when I graduated from high school, then from the NAvy School of Music, then upon release from active duty, on my graduation from college, on my passing the Professional Engineers examination, and finally on the occasion of my third marriage,

    I have concluded that the goal and the pursuit of it are their own reward, and when one achieves one's goal, the only way past the inevitable letdown is setting one's sights on another. You are clearly a person who sets goals for herself. Thank you so much for sharing your trials and tribulations through your pursuit of this current one. I feel certain that, once your physical transition is complete, you will find new goals and further define yourself as a woman who is valuable to her society.

    Menwhile, your internet postings are an insight and an inspiration to us all. .

    • Vanessa Law 9 years ago

      Thanks Elizabeth – true observations dear – you are right that setting your sights on the next goal brings back that feeling of anticipation and accomplishment.


  2. Leslee 9 years ago

    Beautifuly written piece. It said so much with very few words.

  3. @Slave_Tqueen666 9 years ago

    thanx for putting your story up and i hope that you do finaly get to your final goal
    it gives me fresh hope that one day ill be able to get to my goal

  4. beth taylor 9 years ago

    do any of you every stop to think just what you are putting the wives in your lives through, i would love to have my husband back, and i hope to be at heavens door to see you all burn in hell for what you chose to do to the women that have loved and cared and been there for years ,your sick son of a bitches and have no right to live in this world, hell is waiting for all of you any the women you leave behind will glorify in burning every thing you have bought to cover your dicks your sick and uncaring

    • Stephanie 9 years ago

      Well Beth thats your opinion and you are entitled to that but we cant help who we are or how we dress. Unfortunately there are too many narrow minded people in this world who cant accept someone for who they are. If you love someone you will accept them no matter what.I dont wish you in hell for your comments you are entitled to them as am I entitled to wear whatever clothes I choose and I am neither sick or uncaring and I have sexy underwear to cover MY dick

    • Emily 9 years ago

      Beth, your opinion is welcome, but for me it's flawed, because (a) i'm not married (b) i don't believe in heaven and hell.

      Like Stephanie said, we can't help who we are nor how we dress, love happens no matter what shape or form the person is in and if you do love someone it won't matter about how they present to you or the world.

      I choose to be me and yes I do have some nice clothes to cove my non-femme parts


    • Vanessa Law 9 years ago

      Hi Beth,

      I welcome you sharing your opinion, and I'm sorry for your hurt and anger. I can only speak for myself and ladies I've heard from who care so deeply about their wives that they put themselves through years of torturous self denial.

      As for my relationship with my Creator, I know His love extends farther and deeper than I can imagine. I cannot earn my way into Heaven, I can only lean on His grace. For we all have sinned and fall short (Romans). Yet while we were still sinners Christ died for us.

      I would rather be the prostitute weeping at Jesus' feet than the high priest judging her and condemning Jesus to die on the cross.

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