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So let's begin by suggesting that this is the first time you've ever put on a pair of silk panties. Probably not very likely! Perhaps that may of happened back in elementary school when you were fascinated by the red pair that pretty little girl with the long blonde curls wore under her Easter dress. I guess the point I am trying to make here; is that some of us have been on this path for a long time. Some are just now coming to terms with it, while others are shrugging shoulders and perhaps saying, "If I could only go back." or something else.
I've always been a thinker, analyzing all the 'what if's' that pop into your head. Today, I consider the question I've asked myself often, 'Ok, so now what?'. You've found your way to this site — and an amazing site where there are over 15,000 members and counting, many who offer their guidance and share their stories. Possibly, most ask themselves that same question. The answer is as varied as the person who asks it. We are similar in our journeys and we are individualistic in our pursuits.
I spent most of my teens and early twenties believing I had a sexual fetish for heels and nylons. I loved seeing women wearing them and I loved the rare opportunities I had to wear them myself even more. Just when I thought that was all it was, I bought a dress at a garage sale. I'd seen a similar one on a woman I admired and I had to have it. It wasn't even close to my size, but I paraded around the house in it for an hour before the guilt hit me — I threw it in the trash. 'Ok, so now what?".
While my life moved on - the more I tried to suppress the urges, the worse they got. Until one day I snapped and bought a pair of heels, I found some much needed release. It pretty much stayed that way through my marriage and kids. I found the need to wear women's clothing a sexual gratification for the lack of intimacy in my marriage and my uncontrollable fetish. Then came the divorce and for the first time, I completely immersed myself into being Brina… and I liked it. "Ok, so now what?"
For almost two years, Brina became everything. I lost weight and became obsessed with learning how to walk, do makeup, and dress appropriately. In short, how to be a woman. In a sudden realization and a terrifying moment I asked, "Ok, so now what?". If my ex-wife hadn't stripped me of my self-worth, I might have accepted where I was headed and who I really was, but I didn't. I purged every remnant of Brina and fell in love with a wonderful woman for seven years to prove something. It was beautiful and sad. I never told her and it ate me up. I also stayed true and didn't dress. I didn't need to because we had good relations… until we didn't, and I still didn't dress.
Hindsight is great in helping you connect the dots of your life. After the relationship ended, I fought against Brina until another of those defining moments and I asked the question once more, "Ok, so now what?". I started slowly, just letting Brina have a moment here and there. Although it felt different this time and I knew it! It was ok, I was going to be ok, and Brina was ok too.
The answer had always been there, the internal voice that spoke to me when I needed comfort and support. The part of me that I'd been neglecting, suppressing, and the part of me that was a fragmented individual got my attention. All I really needed was to share my life with Brina. Together, we are stronger, happier, healthier, and a better human being. I have found unity and peace. I had once felt unworthy. Now I understand worth isn't in the perception that others have in the clothes I wear or material possessions, but simply in me liking the reflection in the mirror and in my compassion for others.
"Ok, so now what?" the question rises once again! I really don't have a definitive answer. I can tell you that lots of self-reflection has helped me to see how the disjointed parts of my life have finally begun to merge in a way that makes some sense of all this. This is who I am and I will proudly walk this path forward and deal with the consequences that inevitably will come as a result of it. I like the person that I am becoming and I don't ever want to deny any part of myself ever again. The future will only continue to allow me to evolve into who the person I am supposed to be. I will never stop asking ot growing as I forever ponder on "Ok, so now what?"
Like Brina, everyday brings more questions. This article is encouraging, but also gives me more questions. Now I start to wonder if the gender question was buried so deep, that other issues are a result of that. I know that starting to crossdress, and then making the decision to go out as often as possible, had led to researching transformation. I feel better for it and with the help of my loving wife will be able to move forward.
I to feel that the lo of my life my wife has ch chosen to stick with me through the hard times it's absolutely ridiculous how many pairs of pantyhose going to go through in a week but she gets bringing once all the time free wipes by your pantyhose to wear so you're comfortable I just got to say something for person's character
I to feel that the lo of my life my wife has ch chosen to stick with me through the hard times it's absolutely ridiculous how many pairs of pantyhose going to go through in a week but she gets bringing once all the time free wipes by your pantyhose to wear so you're comfortable I just got to say something for person's character
Like Brina, everyday brings more questions. This article is encouraging, but also gives me more questions. Now I start to wonder if the gender question was buried so deep, that other issues are a result of that. I know that starting to crossdress, and then making the decision to go out as often as possible, had led to researching transformation. I feel better for it and with the help of my loving wife will be able to move forward.
Sabrina,
What a well thought out article you provided for everyone to ponder for 2018. I am in that category... “ok , so now what”. To help me balance my alter egos, my Counselor has been very helpful... and I recommend it ..
Sabrina , you have a gift of the written word and I thank you...
Leonara
Sabrina,
What a well thought out article you provided for everyone to ponder for 2018. I am in that category... “ok , so now what”. To help me balance my alter egos, my Counselor has been very helpful... and I recommend it ..
Sabrina , you have a gift of the written word and I thank you...
Leonara
Really nice and thoughtful article Brina which I enjoyed reading immensely. and I can relate to much of what you say. For me the perennial question was/is 'Why do I do this?', not through any sense of shame but simply to better understand it and maybe even how to get more from it. But I have never found a good answer.
So I have got to the stage in life where I simply accept Sandy. She's not going to go away and nor do I want her to. Like you Brina, I think Sandy makes me a better person and furthermore, she gives me an added dimension, an added colour to my life that most other men don't have and probably cannot imagine. I love my life as a crossdresser and wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you Brina. Any well written piece that makes you think is a treasure and your article ticks all those boxes. I look forward to reading more.
Sandy x
I've tried to make it a part of my writing to help others...and myself see their lives more positively, rather than as cursed. We are all at different stages with one common trait--we have a connection to femininity. It goes beyond the basics of loving women and exposes itself in varying ways from fetish to transgenderism. I adore the internet today and being able to connect with so many others going through this same process and search for understanding that I am. I wish I had the internet 40 years ago, my life would have been easier...(no, probably not,) but I would have been better prepared to be me...
I’m so glad for you Brina.I wish I was as brave as you.I secretly dress when my wife’s away but I yearn for the day I can become Katie all the time maybe even get the op.But I’m married and I told my wife one time I wd like to crossdress and while she didn’t crack up and throw me out she just has never spoke about it again
I’m so glad for you Brina.I wish I was as brave as you.I secretly dress when my wife’s away but I yearn for the day I can become Katie all the time maybe even get the op.But I’m married and I told my wife one time I wd like to crossdress and while she didn’t crack up and throw me out she just has never spoke about it again
I've tried to make it a part of my writing to help others...and myself see their lives more positively, rather than as cursed. We are all at different stages with one common trait--we have a connection to femininity. It goes beyond the basics of loving women and exposes itself in varying ways from fetish to transgenderism. I adore the internet today and being able to connect with so many others going through this same process and search for understanding that I am. I wish I had the internet 40 years ago, my life would have been easier...(no, probably not,) but I would have been better prepared to be me...
Really nice and thoughtful article Brina which I enjoyed reading immensely. and I can relate to much of what you say. For me the perennial question was/is 'Why do I do this?', not through any sense of shame but simply to better understand it and maybe even how to get more from it. But I have never found a good answer.
So I have got to the stage in life where I simply accept Sandy. She's not going to go away and nor do I want her to. Like you Brina, I think Sandy makes me a better person and furthermore, she gives me an added dimension, an added colour to my life that most other men don't have and probably cannot imagine. I love my life as a crossdresser and wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you Brina. Any well written piece that makes you think is a treasure and your article ticks all those boxes. I look forward to reading more.
Sandy x
This is a huge question, I’m willing to accept myself for the time ever but what is the next step?
This is a huge question, I’m willing to accept myself for the time ever but what is the next step?
Great article Brina. The point of finally embracing yourself as a whole should not be washed out by asking "Now what?" Because now you should live and the consequences in the end will seem no different than any other life struggle. It is not out of blindness that I say it but it was the way I lived at one time and what a happy time it was. Hugs - Terrisa
Great article Brina. The point of finally embracing yourself as a whole should not be washed out by asking "Now what?" Because now you should live and the consequences in the end will seem no different than any other life struggle. It is not out of blindness that I say it but it was the way I lived at one time and what a happy time it was. Hugs - Terrisa
Wonderful words. I spent a lifetime wondering why I felt disconnected from the average guy. Like you, as the love dissipated and the stress increased in my relationship, dressing was the only way I could deal. The unfortunate part is that when i opened up to her about everything it became just one more way to control me. A year has passed since we separated and i have come to terms with who I am. 2018 is a new year and samantha is a part of me and will never be denied again.
Wonderful words. I spent a lifetime wondering why I felt disconnected from the average guy. Like you, as the love dissipated and the stress increased in my relationship, dressing was the only way I could deal. The unfortunate part is that when i opened up to her about everything it became just one more way to control me. A year has passed since we separated and i have come to terms with who I am. 2018 is a new year and samantha is a part of me and will never be denied again.
Great article Sabrina. I am certain that many others have asked themselves the same question. As I approach the end of my life, I look around at the world, then examine my past and think..........."Is that all there is?" Some things were good, a lot were bad and now that I have to dispose of my lifes, collection of things because there is no-one left to do it for me...I ask, what was it all about. So much time wasted in the army and working life and what did it contribute to make the world a better place? I guess it was that I made life a little easier and more comfortable for some people and I gave hugs when needed and some kisses when needed and some guidence to other lost souls.
In the aspect of what do our lives mean in the face of the universe? We will be gone, all that we strived for will mean nothing. Let us enjoy what we have and love those we are with and above all.......Love Yourself and do what makes you happy!
Lady Veronica
Nice story bring I have walked a similar path beginning with nylons in childhood and getting into clothes n makeup as I grew older
Nice story bring I have walked a similar path beginning with nylons in childhood and getting into clothes n makeup as I grew older
Great article Sabrina. I am certain that many others have asked themselves the same question. As I approach the end of my life, I look around at the world, then examine my past and think..........."Is that all there is?" Some things were good, a lot were bad and now that I have to dispose of my lifes, collection of things because there is no-one left to do it for me...I ask, what was it all about. So much time wasted in the army and working life and what did it contribute to make the world a better place? I guess it was that I made life a little easier and more comfortable for some people and I gave hugs when needed and some kisses when needed and some guidence to other lost souls.
In the aspect of what do our lives mean in the face of the universe? We will be gone, all that we strived for will mean nothing. Let us enjoy what we have and love those we are with and above all.......Love Yourself and do what makes you happy!
Lady Veronica
