Today I was listening to a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown. She said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
I got shivers up my spine as I thought about my transgender experience. Shame has been a constant companion through my journey, it has haunted me even as I asked the question of my readers, “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser” and even when I stand on the mountaintop victorious over shame I’m aware that it still bides it’s time, hoping for an insurrection of my spirit.
Secrecy
Those in the transgender community know secrecy well. It has been our bed fellow since before we knew what it meant. Growing up in secrecy we hid our feelings. As we blossomed into adulthood we desperately fought to keep our deepest darkest from others. Like a cancer from within, secrecy ate our souls.
Silence
Like twin demons dancing down the path to despair, silence and secrecy skip hand in hand. Our desire for secrecy kept us silent, and the silence of the community kept others silent. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. The voices of those who can no longer embrace secrecy has sent a cry of hope out into the silence. This was the reason I started Crossdresser Heaven. At first it was my cry for help – to myself, to understand what I was going through. Then it became my cry of hope – small though it may be, I added my voice to the chorus of those offering advice, encouragement and solace. I told my transgender story. I shared your transgender stories.
Judgement
Yet judgement wandered among us still – the judgement of our hearts, the judgement of those with little understanding or care. They condemned us as sinners, as heathens and accused us of all manner of debauchery. They stripped down our identity to a single word, erasing all our good deeds and contributions to hang the sign, “Transgender” around our necks. For many the shame was so strong that we bowed our heads and wore this brand as if it were tattooed on our hearts.
Empathy
It does not need to be this way. We do not need to hide in secret, weep in silence or cower at the judgement foisted upon us. Dear readers, lovely ladies and beautiful kindred spirits, I understand your walk. I know your shame, I feel your struggle, and I hold your hand as you get back up one more time. We are here together. Alone they can isolate us, ridicule us. Together we are strong. Together we can change laws and melt hearts. Together we can find comfort and share warmth.
Together we can pour the salve of empathy on shame. Dousing it so thoroughly that no secrecy, or silence, or judgement can ever infect the beauty of who we are created to be. For all those who have not heard it yet, today I say to you, “me too.“
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I have lost my immediate family I have three cousins so far that have stepped forward and told me to be myself I now dress full time, I have a lot of Facebook friends. I have been dressing full time since 1999. I am 68 years old and I have memories of early years.
Wonderful how the cousins step up and accept. Happened in my family too. Hugs. Linda Shirley.
Thank you Linda!!
This is simply outstanding. Your message is powerful and goes right to the heart. God bless you for this. Thank you so much.
Hello, since I was 12, 13 years always had female pleasures from my 16 or 17 I started wearing women’s clothes without being gay, I was forced by nature to be family man. But tired. After 3 marriages where after separating me from one where we stayed 2 separate years, we again stay together. That I was 28, 30 years. When I reached the age of 48 with her 3 children grown and married, I decided to just make me feel like a woman again. It was a shock to her. After three years my children had learned from my… Read more »
sounds like a beautiful life for you…i love the beach…been a cd since 4… been straight married twice …four kids…so enjoy..youre so lucky…
I think my life turned around, not when I came out as a cross dresser, but when I accepted that that was part of who I was. Understanding that I was not a collection of labels, each with an image and set of expectations, but that I was a single, whole person, with many facets or aspects – like a crystal. The next important milestone in my life was determining what aspects of myself I wanted to be public, and what I wanted to be private. This was not a small thing, it took a long time to work out… Read more »
hi TED i heard and watch your presentation and it hit me right to the heart thank you. keep on sharing your story to those who have not heard it. and thank you for your boldness and courage to speak out in difference..
I am a 66yr old cross dresser. I am retired military. My career was in a very highly structured setting where machismo was prevalent. Once I retired I decided to start living for myself. I am also married, my wife does know of this aspect of me…. I told her before I proposed. I live 24/7 crossdressed. I am quite simply at the point in my life where I simply don’t care if someone has a problem with this. My attitude is simple… if anyone has a problem with it it is exactly that their problem not mine. I suppose… Read more »
The only time I felt ashamed is when I didnt tell roommates when i moved in and quit dressing for 5 years. I don’t go around announcing it but I also don’t take extra care in hiding it. I always have at a pair of panties on and most times a bra and I will go everywhere wearing them. I have gone to the doctor with them on. I am proud to be who I am and proud to be imho brave enough to go out with them on
I am not a cross dresser but your struggle speaks to my heart and understanding. We would be friends. I am a compassionate lovely lady and would love to help you realize your true and most comfortable self.
That is a very nice compliment. I do miss being able to do the housework or cook dressed up. My last wife loved me to stay dressed when I wasnt working. Although since i broke my back I am not as passable as before I would also love to just walk along the river feeling the wind blow on a fresh shaved nylon covered pair of legs
It is wonderful when people can feel comfortable inside their own bodies and love, as well as like, themselves. I am glad you had a understanding and compassionate wife.
Lovely Carrli! Proud of who you are – I wish more in the community would raise their heads as you have! *hugs*
My family is the only ones who don’t know the truth and I am going to sit with them individualy and tell them in the next few weeks
I am not ashamed for being a cross dresser but I regret deeply that I wasn’t born the woman I am inside. Every day I get up and look in the mirror at the male I was born as knowing I am all woman inside. I am no more than a lesbian who has “fathered" two children because of a birth defect. I have been robbed of the woman’s life then I should have had. So in no way am I ashamed to be a cross dresser it allows me to have some gender correct time. SRS? Where would be… Read more »
Oh Daphne dear, I feel your pain. Transition was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, but it still leaves me feeling empty. I will never mother a child. I understand the shame and feeling of being an outcast that many genetic woman feel when they can’t have children. It’s… like I’m half a human.
I applaud you for your courage to transition. I feel those like us have been cheated in not being able to experience the entire female life, ups and especially downs. I want to be who I really am and as the years track on that want is becoming a need. What I wouldn’t give for a period or any other downside aspect of being a genetic woman. I would gladly bear any burden to be who I was born as inside. Being a Fem lesbian in a man’s body is terrible.
ME TOO!
Thanks for posting this for it re-affirms the old adage – “United we stand, divided we fall" and the time has come for us all to stand united. I have taken the liberty of posting a link to this post on my own blog for the more people this message reaches the better in my view.
Thanks Roxifox – we are all in this together – just look how far we’ve come already with a few brave souls standing together in public with pride.