Today I was listening to a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown. She said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
I got shivers up my spine as I thought about my transgender experience. Shame has been a constant companion through my journey, it has haunted me even as I asked the question of my readers, “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser” and even when I stand on the mountaintop victorious over shame I’m aware that it still bides it’s time, hoping for an insurrection of my spirit.
Secrecy
Those in the transgender community know secrecy well. It has been our bed fellow since before we knew what it meant. Growing up in secrecy we hid our feelings. As we blossomed into adulthood we desperately fought to keep our deepest darkest from others. Like a cancer from within, secrecy ate our souls.
Silence
Like twin demons dancing down the path to despair, silence and secrecy skip hand in hand. Our desire for secrecy kept us silent, and the silence of the community kept others silent. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. The voices of those who can no longer embrace secrecy has sent a cry of hope out into the silence. This was the reason I started Crossdresser Heaven. At first it was my cry for help – to myself, to understand what I was going through. Then it became my cry of hope – small though it may be, I added my voice to the chorus of those offering advice, encouragement and solace. I told my transgender story. I shared your transgender stories.
Judgement
Yet judgement wandered among us still – the judgement of our hearts, the judgement of those with little understanding or care. They condemned us as sinners, as heathens and accused us of all manner of debauchery. They stripped down our identity to a single word, erasing all our good deeds and contributions to hang the sign, “Transgender” around our necks. For many the shame was so strong that we bowed our heads and wore this brand as if it were tattooed on our hearts.
Empathy
It does not need to be this way. We do not need to hide in secret, weep in silence or cower at the judgement foisted upon us. Dear readers, lovely ladies and beautiful kindred spirits, I understand your walk. I know your shame, I feel your struggle, and I hold your hand as you get back up one more time. We are here together. Alone they can isolate us, ridicule us. Together we are strong. Together we can change laws and melt hearts. Together we can find comfort and share warmth.
Together we can pour the salve of empathy on shame. Dousing it so thoroughly that no secrecy, or silence, or judgement can ever infect the beauty of who we are created to be. For all those who have not heard it yet, today I say to you, “me too.“
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I did not come out until I was 74. I knew I had always wanted to but being married, jobs I had I buried my desire. Things changed and I found myelf living alone so I started with pantie and worked my way out. I found once I came out, I became happier, nicer and more loving towards people. I am not ashamed at my lifestyle or choice; in fact I have no men’ clothing left. I have lost a couple “friends" but I also gained more in return. Not saying there in’t some problems but they are very minor… Read more »
Hey Jackie, bravo dear on your courage to come out at 74! What an inspiration for all of us!
I also are in my 60s ,,l crossdressed from a young age not knowing why i did , it just felt right. As i got olderi began to understand what it ment to me,m sister would help and encourage me,it all felt natural. IN my 20 i started to feel guilty that i was doing something very wrong, i met my wife and forced myself to stop dressing. For many years the guilt was unbearable, people would laugh and make jokes about men that dressed as women, i was hidding this secret from my wife and i should have told… Read more »
Zoe, thank you for sharing your story dear. Your words ring true – we should not be given guilt by others. I’d also add that we should not accept guilt we give ourselves either.
Hugs and blessings dear.
I love to crossdressing never once felled ashamed. Love going out dressed.
Rock it Candy!! It’s always wonderful to hear from ladies like you!
I can never have that freedom, as my wife forbids me to tell anyone and my daughters dont know, but their attitude to transgeneder issues indicates they would never speak to me again if I am ever found out. Life moves on for some, but the rest of us are secret crossdressers for life!
Sharelee Cartson x
Hi Shareleee, I’m sorry to hear dear – I know that sometimes the acceptance in the world moves to slow to bring all of us along with it. I pray that you can find balance and peace in your life.
I love and enjoy being a crossdresser. Never once do i feel ashamed .I am proud of the person I am.
I have this desire to be a woman and met a beautiful cross dresser while traveling for work and after a weekend of converting my sexual orientation the desire is even stronger
Life is hard and ppl dont understand espeshly if you from africa the way too dress but my wife and kids dont juge me they support my feminine clothes my wife scores she can wear my clothes an lingerie also when I started I was 3xl now I’m m too large and loving it
Congratulations on the progress hon!! Keep it up!
I feel we are people with a birth defect plain and simple. I didn’t ask or do I desire to have a male body but this is the way I was born. It’s the same as if we were born missing a limb or with some biological birth defect. I don’t choose to feel like a woman it is who I am and in the same way it isn’t acceptable to harass some one born missing a limb or with a biological birth defect it isn’t right to have shame or be harassed/ discriminated for what we were born with.… Read more »
My wife started me on the road to cross dressing when she encouraged me to grow my hair long and she started buying women’s pants and shirts for me that were rather unisex . When , she insisted I wear my hair in a shoulder length feminine style and start wearing natural makeup , I realized she was right that I enjoyed being pretty , instead of a very unmasculine boyish looking guy . When , she started helping me understand that she saw and loved my feminine side . When we went to parties at our friends house and… Read more »
Wow you are so lucky. I’m 45 and am on my third wife. She asked me when we first got together if I had any secrets. So I said wtf and just told her. To my surprise she excepted me for me. But it has been a long hard journey. Keeping secrets became part of me and it was and us so hard to renain truthful. I work on it every day.
thanks Jackie you have made me stop and think I’m 68 and there is still hope for me. Heads Uo to All those that have had the Courage To Come Out