Today I was listening to a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown. She said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
I got shivers up my spine as I thought about my transgender experience. Shame has been a constant companion through my journey, it has haunted me even as I asked the question of my readers, “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser” and even when I stand on the mountaintop victorious over shame I’m aware that it still bides it’s time, hoping for an insurrection of my spirit.
Secrecy
Those in the transgender community know secrecy well. It has been our bed fellow since before we knew what it meant. Growing up in secrecy we hid our feelings. As we blossomed into adulthood we desperately fought to keep our deepest darkest from others. Like a cancer from within, secrecy ate our souls.
Silence
Like twin demons dancing down the path to despair, silence and secrecy skip hand in hand. Our desire for secrecy kept us silent, and the silence of the community kept others silent. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. The voices of those who can no longer embrace secrecy has sent a cry of hope out into the silence. This was the reason I started Crossdresser Heaven. At first it was my cry for help – to myself, to understand what I was going through. Then it became my cry of hope – small though it may be, I added my voice to the chorus of those offering advice, encouragement and solace. I told my transgender story. I shared your transgender stories.
Judgement
Yet judgement wandered among us still – the judgement of our hearts, the judgement of those with little understanding or care. They condemned us as sinners, as heathens and accused us of all manner of debauchery. They stripped down our identity to a single word, erasing all our good deeds and contributions to hang the sign, “Transgender” around our necks. For many the shame was so strong that we bowed our heads and wore this brand as if it were tattooed on our hearts.
Empathy
It does not need to be this way. We do not need to hide in secret, weep in silence or cower at the judgement foisted upon us. Dear readers, lovely ladies and beautiful kindred spirits, I understand your walk. I know your shame, I feel your struggle, and I hold your hand as you get back up one more time. We are here together. Alone they can isolate us, ridicule us. Together we are strong. Together we can change laws and melt hearts. Together we can find comfort and share warmth.
Together we can pour the salve of empathy on shame. Dousing it so thoroughly that no secrecy, or silence, or judgement can ever infect the beauty of who we are created to be. For all those who have not heard it yet, today I say to you, “me too.“
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
Wow…so many replies. I would caution the cheering squad, there are good reasons to be afraid.
Two of three of them are, retirement difficulties as generally the staff of a home are the lower class of
society and quite base values are the norm. The other, is getting proper medical care…again there are doctors and staff, that don’t want to be around or treat “our kind".
It use to be the preserve of the gay population…now it seems we the third gender, are the disadvantage and most vulnerable.
Sorry to rain on the parade.
I used to be ashamed of being a crossdresser. But I finally realized I shouldn’t be ashamed of something that brings me so much pleasure and doesn’t bother anyone else. I keep it to myself except for talking to other like minded people. Life is just to short to not enjoy something that has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember.
KerryMichelle
I’m scared to dress in public. I wear panties under my jeans nearly everyday and lingurie some days buta soon as I get home I’m Rebecca til morning. I’d love to dress and chat sometime. I love girl talk.
Hi am Carmila55 my cross dressing started at the age 14 I read the sale papers and stare at women wearing bras and panties wondering how i would i look good in them. Then one night i tried on my mothers clothes then fit well, and i got hardon. It turned me on, but I always felt different from other boy’s. At beach laying on my stomach I had little double a breasts. And my penis was below normal size. My first wife it said it disgust her me wearing her nightgown. She cheated on me, then I met her… Read more »
Hi Girls I loved this article and yes I too felt much shame over the years and still do it’s shrinking though I think as I get older my true self gets stronger it seems along with all the other struggles I’ve had to face it is a source of much ridicule and denial but I continue to move forward the best I can My transition progresses daily although for now I’m kinda stuck where I’m at but I’m just using the time to perfect my look mainly at least Love & Hugs Maria
Hi Vanessa, Thank your for such an inspiring post, you’re right, it doesn’t have to be this way. Shame is really that companion which stops us from pushing ourselves to just be accepted by our family, friends, and coworkers. When I think of coming out to people I know, I can’t help but feel the shame just getting multiplied. Yet, when I crossdress and interact with people who don’t really know me, I feel a sense of independence, liberation, activism, who is challenging their perceptions, unafraid of what they really think. If only people who know me and those who… Read more »
So telling. So poignant. I live with all of these. The burden I feel right now, of having to live a dual life-of having to live with the responsibilities of being a man, a husband, a father-and yet my feminine self wants to be seen, wants to be heard, and yet, has to remain in the shadows. I am tired of living a half life. I’m simply tired of living as a man. We have all been affected by the social conditioning of the world we live in. There is a quote that I am reminded of constantly in my… Read more »
I. Am finally coming out of my. Shell building my wardrobe up feeling good about myself looking for my job to go thru transiton I thank Vanessa and crossdressers heaven for letting me be apart of this community still have a ways to go but will not turn around.I will be ashamed no longer. Thank u.
I also feel ashamed and have been dressing from age 12; I turn 60 in April! I am married and have kept this secret from her. I find it impossible to tell her or any of my children. Brought up in a Christian family and I still am a Christian, but I feel so guilty about wanting to be a woman. I love feeling feminine, I love the idea of expressing myself with beautiful clothes, jewelary and makeup. I know that inside I am a female, I’m just so afraid of losing everyone over this that I keep it hidden… Read more »
we are what god made us to be .i have nothing to be ashamed of. god had a reason for making us the way we are. if others don’t like it they can take it up with god.love and kisses delbra dawn
Shame
Plenty
Guilt too
But now i accept myself
Told my
Wife
She is supportive. We went for a pedicure together she picked my color
Im in 50s dressing 40 yrs
I accept myself now
But still struggle with my Christian beliefs
Its not the xdressing its the sensuality that i tjink is the sin
Very Happy to be here my wife knows and encouraged her to look in on
Us
Me
Heterosexual
Male
Not looking to pass
But if i want to wear a bra and some panties and my jeans and herls why cant I ?