Love your time en femme without envy

I have friends who enjoy the dance between the genders – being able to switch back and forth between their regular life as father, husband, provider and the enchanted feminine delights the experience. It’s not something I can fully understand, since I would have gone crazy were it not for transition, but as crossdressers they are content with this balance. Yet it’s not always an easy or friction free one to strike. Often there are commitments and expectations that tug on you.

Perhaps it’s subtle disapproval from your wife, who steers you away from those nights out en femme, or it’s the weight of responsibility that makes it difficult to find the time to fully express the other side of yourself. Maybe your community or health circumstances have made it more of a chore than a joy to dance in the feminine. After a while, this becomes frustrating, and at worst could fill you with anger towards those who keep you from crossdressing and envy towards those who get to express themselves more freely.

Recently on Transgender Heaven I wrote an article about accepting your body as it is, and learning to love the transgender woman you are, even if your reflection in the mirror isn’t perfect. As I thought about this, I thought about the dilemma that many crossdressers face. While body image is important, it’s full force is generally confined to the time spent en femme. A much more insidious concern is the balance between time in male mode and en femme.

Before I share a few tips I want to make clear that everyone the time needed en femme is different for everyone. Some are comfortable with dressing once a week, others itch if they haven’t gone out in a day, and still others are content to crossdress once a year at a nearby transgender conference. Wherever you are on this spectrum it’s okay. There is no right way to do this.

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Tip 1 – Appreciate the Time You Do Have

Rather than lament the few hours a month you have to crossdress, relish them. Get every ounce of joy you can out of them. Be present in the moment. Go slowly, don’t rush, immerse yourself. For those few hours push negative emotions aside, let your inner woman come out and bond with those around you. Don’t let fear or envy or regret rob you of a beautiful experience.

Tip 2 – Anticipate to Enhance Your Joy

Even if you can only dress once a week, it doesn’t mean you can’t anticipate it during the week. Plan your outfit – try on different styles and colors in your mind. Think about which make up would work best and how you’d like to accessorize. This will give you a small taste of the experience even if it is somewhat infrequent, and will also ensure that you look even more fabulous!

Tip 3 – Explore Crossdressing in Male Mode

Just because you can’t wear a ball gown to work doesn’t mean you can’t feel sexy. Try some silky lingerie under your pants, or a small drop of woman’s perfume to make you feel feminine even when your male side is needed.

Tip 4 – Nurture Your Emotional Side

Take time to be more caring, think of the needs of others and sacrifice some of your own time and comfort. This is a very feminine mode of being, and by nurturing this you’ll not only express your femininity, but also bless others around you.

Tip 5 – Be Thankful for Loved Ones in Your Life

Even if at times it may seem that they’re keeping you from crossdressing, or a burden on your feminine personna be grateful for all the joy they do bring to your life. Take time to cherish your wife, your children, your friends every day. You’ll make them feel good, and help them realize how important they are in your life.

How do you make the most of your crossdressing even if you’re not able to do it regularly?

Photo courtesy of bldodge


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I’m passionate about creating a safe space for everyone in the transgender community to find laughter and friendship on their journey. I completed my physical transition in 2011 and through it I lost everything, and gained everything. I am blessed that I was forced to gaze inward and embark on the journey to discover and live my authentic self. My deepest wish is that all who wander here may find peace, happiness and freedom.

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Ilandkathy' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
12 years ago

I underdress on a daily basis.  My wife knows about “Kathy" and with help from counseling she has accepted that part of my life.  She chooses to not participate or allow me to dress in her presence, but, what I wear beneath my guy stuff is my business.  Well, except I can’t wear anything “above he waist" as the chance of being noticed is too great if someone pops in unexpected.  He new attitude has been life-changing for me – – free at last from all the hiding, lying and guilt involved in concealing my fem self.  It feels wonderful.

Mikee brown
Mikee brown
12 years ago

Thanks so much for careing about people like us god bess thans

12 years ago

my soon to be wife turned me on to crossdressing by mistake, but has embraced it fully. she buys me outfits andsupports my feelings, i dress every day and she thinks im sexy

Emma Mystique
Emma Mystique
8 years ago

I dress everyday, a piece simple piece of clothing is fine for me. Nightwear is now a fine nightgown and i’m not going back to PJ’s. dont fully do the makeup thing at the mo but I do have my toenails painted and my fingernails buffed to give a natural shine. thanks to all at CDH for your support and friendship I dont know where I would be without you girls.

7 years ago

I dress everyday…extent and duration is based on opportunities. Stealth waist training has facilitated under dress daily and added a lot for me. Content to keep it simple as my goal is the health benefits I am reaping and not trying to push the boundaries going public and getting outed. Jog in women’s only apparel for year round weather and conditions but that is extent of in public for me…dark morning runs and unisex gear for all appearances. Just finished a metabolic syndrome test and got very positive improvements from last year…confirmed it works for me. Cross dressing is my… Read more »

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