The right cheek of my face slammed against the mirror distorting and squishing it and I felt my mind snap like a breaking limb! Done! No more resistance, no more denial, just allowance of expansion. Deep breath. A brand new and different belief came into being for me in that second. I had finally experienced enough suffering.
So I stopped suffering.
The mirror my smooshed cheek was pushing against was the reflection of the internal voice of critical self-judgment; often the loudest of all inner voices. The inner critic.
I remember hearing my mind shouting “They look hideous, I am not like them at all! Yeah, so I dress a little now in panties and stuff. It turns me on. So what!”
Years pass, and as I drearily peel my face off of the glass at this stage of my journey and glance up briefly, I see, I feel. The shame bind, I am finally able to say I love it; then feel ashamed “because” I love it. Then say I love it again, and the cycle spins on.
To stop the cycle, I practice the art of stepping back from the mirror and seeing; really seeing. Here is an exercise I use …
I stand so I see all of me in the mirror, gaze into those beautiful eyes and ask, “Where are you?” I don’t use a name, nor do I propose any gender or any other limits. I simply ask, “Where are you?” And wait. After a time, (it’s different for everyone to a degree), but the child within appears, in a form you will know is the purest essence of the beauty that you, we, are. Little Char is a sweet, humble and kind, unguarded and eager to learn and helpful kind of kid, and especially grateful now that I, the adult, am watching and protecting that free child self.
The inner voice of self-judgment is the closest one to our ears, so it is often the loudest. That voice has been getting quieter since I began using the “I Am” Affirmation and Mirror Method of retraining my brain to think more productive empowering thoughts. The change is amazing!
I repeat daily many times, “I Am so Happy and Grateful now that”…followed by what I want to have, do or be. Personally, I Am (Grateful) for the presence of you being here. I believe the more our voice is heard and are willing to be seen more openly to the world, the more normal we become. We are as natural as the bird or bee so, next, is to become normal! All things new to the mind of the masses are not considered ”normal” until they have been around a good while openly. When the Wright brothers presented air travel to the world back in 1903, it was considered madness; now flying is as normal as breathing. I do my best to notice when monkey-mind starts chattering in my head, and I intentionally choose to say ”No!” Then, I Re-Affirm the new thoughts and beliefs I ”choose” to cultivate. I Am natural and normal for example. The little brain eventually gets it and says, “Okay then” and freedom inhales a deep breath of yes!! A new belief is born!
One of the best fertilizers I have found for growing Courage in-spite-of-fear is Service. Helping anyone move a step forward is like a double shot of courage for me. It always inspires me to stretch more and grow my own courage. To make more of a difference and actually be a part of changing cultural “norms”.
A wise person once said, “Life is a Particip-Action sport, not a Spectator sport.”
I will not abide a life of smallness and fear. I Am learning to live My life independently of the good opinion of others, while also respecting the basic human rights of the all sentient beings on our planet.
I stopped pushing my face against the mirror. Pushing to prove something, and trying to find a label, worrying about opinions, stressing and obsessing. I decided to just stop!
I just stepped back from the mirror and said, let it “Be”. Now I take better care of the little child-me. I protect Char, who loves the leggings, ponytail hairdo, earrings and all things fun that society labels “girly”.
I practice better self-care nowadays and care less about the opinion of others, (good or bad) because really, the only opinion that matters is shifting more and more away from fear steadily to love with every new sunrise. It’s my opinion of my Self. “I Am learning to Love my Self Unconditionally!” Look deep into the eyes of your reflection and sense the child.
Then nurture the child and Be the adult. Take awesome care of that little sweetie and hold hands where ever you go from now on in your heart. The more “you learn to love you”, the more I have permission to love me, by witnessing your self-love, and so on, and so on…
Together, we are changing the world, hold your chin high girls, walk tall and proud first in your mind, then in a safe public place. We are trailblazers girls!
Thank you for Your Courage to be here and Thank you for being exactly who you are!
I For One, Am Very Grateful!
CharTags: Crossdresser Acceptance crossdresser shame crossdressing encouragement