,

Dark green vision-blocking curtains covered the window in the living room.

Homemade frosting covered the window on the front door.

I sat in absolute, motionless silence as the repeated, incessant knocking continued, not getting louder, but not stopping either.

I could hear my heart beating as my hand vibrated, yet I didn’t move; I was in full on primary response. The stuff Abe Maslow talks about—fight, flight, freeze…I was frozen in place and that damn knocking continued until finally–silence.

I peered through a small opening in the curtain to see the car drive away and a deep sigh of relief escaped my ruby red lips. I might have peed a little but everything was too tightly puckered for that.

That was me 2001; the terrified, hidden, alone and lonely person. Oh, I had friends, but no one “knew” about Char then.

Goal one: open the curtains–partly. That took a few months to accomplish. I would open them a hand width, then the length of my arm elbow to wrist to allow myself time to adjust. In time, my “I don’t care” mindset grew. Over the course of a few months, the curtains were left wide open all the time.

Goal two: get outside and stay within the boundaries of my own property. Surely I was safe there, and the worst anyone could do would be to say something negative or hurl insults at me; they didn’t. Soon, I was walking around my yard (one small town block) dressed as I pleased. Terrified yes, I was feeling the fear and doing it anyway; it was one more step to freedom and courage, one more step away from feeling like a victim.

Goal three: our local post office is a 1.5 minute walk from my front door. If the wind is right, one good stone’s throw could hit the wall. The goal was to walk there, collect the mail, and return home safely. This was a huge, because there was potential risk of a stranger (one of the “good ole boys”) showing up while I was digging the mail out of the PO Box. I live in a community of 50 people, farmers, welders, and other tough guys all around me. In fact, any one of the local women could take me out with one punch; they’re used to throwing 80 pound bales!

Okay, fast forward to a few years ago, I was asked (by the locals), yes, the very ones described above to run for Mayor of our little town. I did, and I won; I served. We don’t care what you wear they said, just solve the local troubles.

Next goal: drive to the next town, the next city, expand the size of the playpen one tiny bit at a time and one day you’ll look over your shoulder and see just how far you’ve traveled outside of your comfort zone.

Nowadays, I wear the breast prosthesis, pretty tops, skinny jeans, and my beautiful aqua sketcher sneakers. With earrings and hair done, eye shadow and mascara, I travel to other cities and go into shops. Oh yes, there are twinges of the old fear, but certainly not immobilization anymore.

Growing into myself thus far has been the greatest challenge of my life. I’ve come this far by doing two things consistently, being persistent and doing it slowly.

By setting small goals to achieve, such as opening the curtains, answering the door, walking outside, walking to a friend’s house four doors down, or to the post office, and so on I’ve expanded my world and quieted my fears.

I’ve found success by being gentle with my child self and allowing the child to get comfortable with each new step before moving onward to the next step. No rush, no force just gently leading my female child self to freedom, as the adult me learns and practices the life skills needed to take care of her safely.

I wish for you the very same exciting adventure my friends.

Namaste’

n huggles

Char

 

 

 

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Dropping out of high school I began touring in the Canadian country music scene at age 17; clubs and soft seat venues, drummer/vocalist for 22 years. After 4 suicide attempts and heavy cocaine etc addiction issues, i decided to learn Self-Acceptance as apposed to self-hatred. I became a student of the Universe and an Instructor of Life Skills at a local College while operating a Private Coaching Practice. Currently, I am rebuilding the Life Coaching practice after a couple years of more personal work well under way. I am also creating online opportunities that will serve our world community…and our world in understanding how I leaned the life skills of Intentionally and Consciously Creating an Amazing Life filled with Passion, Purpose & Prosperity...

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Toni
Duchess
Member

Ty char of your journey , it will help all the closeted sisters we have out there. You are a brave soul for getting out and about and to tell us here.

*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

Char great article as always. Your story reminds me of my own fitful starts-bot in counseling and my “milkshake adventure, and my progress since then. Other than the politics part of it, we share many similarities. I look forward to your next article!
Cyn

Morgan Staar
Lady
Member

great article brought back a memory. I was home from school when mom as at work so I went fully enfemme; skirt ,blouse, heels, an all morning make up job. I was just sitting down to fix myself lunch when the doorbell rang…PANIC!!….it rang and rang..imagination running wild..what if its a break in, or worse, a Jehovah’s Witness. hope they didn’t look thru the window to see that I was home and they weren’t going to give up until I answered the door..They eventually left and I ran upstairs to my room

Alicia C
Baroness
Member

thanks for that story of learning to trust people. my first time freely in public for any length of time was a couple months ago. it was scary and thrilling all at once. within the first minute when I walked down the hallway from the room, I realized I had to own it and be it. 2 minutes late standing in a crowed room of strangers and nothing bad happened. I got read by a few, and others including a group of men right in front me may of noticed, but didn’t care in the least. I almost wanted them… Read more »

Amy Myers
Baroness
Member

Great article. It helps to illustrate that our biggest fear, comes from within.
You are so much further along the road than I.
Thank you!
Amy

Lorie Peace
Lady
Member

Thank you, Char, this is a great lesson for me. I read your article twice, and it’s just as inspiring the second time. In looking back at my journey, I can see the steps I took to get where I am, even though it doesn’t appear that I’ve gotten very far. Recently I went dancing with one of my gurlfriends from the support group, which was a surprise to Both of us! It taught me to push the edge, but only when I’m ready. If I push too far, I’ll get blowback from self-judgment, and maybe go into hiding. I… Read more »

Charlotte Bristol
Lady

Hi Char, Namaste, Very good advice, Thanks. I’ve cross dressed all my life, but only started buying my own things last year, when our last child moved out. I’m very lucky, my wife is very supportive and it’s improved our relationship so much, we go clothes shopping most Saturdays, and she’s just helped me get my ears pierced (I hate to think what they say in the office but I’ve reached the age where I don’t really care). I dress at home often and go to a local sauna weekly, just to have somewhere to go dressed. I put jeans… Read more »

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