Dark green vision-blocking curtains covered the window in the living room.
Homemade frosting covered the window on the front door.
I sat in absolute, motionless silence as the repeated, incessant knocking continued, not getting louder, but not stopping either.
I could hear my heart beating as my hand vibrated, yet I didn’t move; I was in full on primary response. The stuff Abe Maslow talks about—fight, flight, freeze…I was frozen in place and that damn knocking continued until finally–silence.
I peered through a small opening in the curtain to see the car drive away and a deep sigh of relief escaped my ruby red lips. I might have peed a little but everything was too tightly puckered for that.
That was me 2001; the terrified, hidden, alone and lonely person. Oh, I had friends, but no one “knew” about Char then.
Goal one: open the curtains–partly. That took a few months to accomplish. I would open them a hand width, then the length of my arm elbow to wrist to allow myself time to adjust. In time, my “I don’t care” mindset grew. Over the course of a few months, the curtains were left wide open all the time.
Goal two: get outside and stay within the boundaries of my own property. Surely I was safe there, and the worst anyone could do would be to say something negative or hurl insults at me; they didn’t. Soon, I was walking around my yard (one small town block) dressed as I pleased. Terrified yes, I was feeling the fear and doing it anyway; it was one more step to freedom and courage, one more step away from feeling like a victim.
Goal three: our local post office is a 1.5 minute walk from my front door. If the wind is right, one good stone’s throw could hit the wall. The goal was to walk there, collect the mail, and return home safely. This was a huge, because there was potential risk of a stranger (one of the “good ole boys”) showing up while I was digging the mail out of the PO Box. I live in a community of 50 people, farmers, welders, and other tough guys all around me. In fact, any one of the local women could take me out with one punch; they’re used to throwing 80 pound bales!
Okay, fast forward to a few years ago, I was asked (by the locals), yes, the very ones described above to run for Mayor of our little town. I did, and I won; I served. We don’t care what you wear they said, just solve the local troubles.
Next goal: drive to the next town, the next city, expand the size of the playpen one tiny bit at a time and one day you’ll look over your shoulder and see just how far you’ve traveled outside of your comfort zone.
Nowadays, I wear the breast prosthesis, pretty tops, skinny jeans, and my beautiful aqua sketcher sneakers. With earrings and hair done, eye shadow and mascara, I travel to other cities and go into shops. Oh yes, there are twinges of the old fear, but certainly not immobilization anymore.
Growing into myself thus far has been the greatest challenge of my life. I’ve come this far by doing two things consistently, being persistent and doing it slowly.
By setting small goals to achieve, such as opening the curtains, answering the door, walking outside, walking to a friend’s house four doors down, or to the post office, and so on I’ve expanded my world and quieted my fears.
I’ve found success by being gentle with my child self and allowing the child to get comfortable with each new step before moving onward to the next step. No rush, no force just gently leading my female child self to freedom, as the adult me learns and practices the life skills needed to take care of her safely.
I wish for you the very same exciting adventure my friends.
Namaste’
n huggles
Char
More Articles by Char
- Happy Holidays?
- Are you willing to feeel goood?
- Getting back to normal?
- Something to Celebrate
- True freeedom exists!
Latest posts by Char (see all)
- Happy Holidays? - December 20, 2021
- Are you willing to feeel goood? - August 19, 2021
- Getting back to normal? - July 7, 2021
- Something to Celebrate - June 30, 2021
- True freeedom exists! - May 5, 2021
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Ty char of your journey , it will help all the closeted sisters we have out there. You are a brave soul for getting out and about and to tell us here.
Thaaank you Tony, I Am expanding hahaha 🙂
Namaste’
n huggles
Char
Char great article as always. Your story reminds me of my own fitful starts-bot in counseling and my “milkshake adventure, and my progress since then. Other than the politics part of it, we share many similarities. I look forward to your next article!
Cyn
Hahaha well you’ve saved yourself an extra helping of dram by staying out of the political arena dear haha Good Choice! haha But honestly, that segment of my journey was very cathartic for me and I wouldn’t change a single thing …
Namaste’
n Huggles for you dear, one day I may come to visit n share some stories hehe
Char xox
great article brought back a memory. I was home from school when mom as at work so I went fully enfemme; skirt ,blouse, heels, an all morning make up job. I was just sitting down to fix myself lunch when the doorbell rang…PANIC!!….it rang and rang..imagination running wild..what if its a break in, or worse, a Jehovah’s Witness. hope they didn’t look thru the window to see that I was home and they weren’t going to give up until I answered the door..They eventually left and I ran upstairs to my room
hahaha oh the panic in the heart hey? haha I hated those moments of sitting motionless, silent, waiting haha and I knew (mostly) who was knocking because they had a distinct knock, even the witnesses have a funny, “don’t want to be intrusive but we are obligated” kind of knock hahaha
I did open it one day, that’s another article haha; I’m sure I looked like Mimi from the drew Carrie show that day hahaha
Thaaank you so much for your feedback my friend, I truly Am honored 🙂
Namaste’
n hugges Morgan
Keep On Girl…
Char
thanks for that story of learning to trust people. my first time freely in public for any length of time was a couple months ago. it was scary and thrilling all at once. within the first minute when I walked down the hallway from the room, I realized I had to own it and be it. 2 minutes late standing in a crowed room of strangers and nothing bad happened. I got read by a few, and others including a group of men right in front me may of noticed, but didn’t care in the least. I almost wanted them… Read more »
hahaha Yeah it’s such an interesting experience hey? To be out there, free, scared, courageous and determined all in one moment.
trusting me, trusting you…
I love the phrase, “the fear is real but the why is a lie” Hmmmm that’s another article too hahaha Thaank you Alicia, I love your hair style in this pic girl 🙂 might have to steal it hehehe 😉
Namaste’
n huggles for you dear, thanks for being you!!
Char
Great article. It helps to illustrate that our biggest fear, comes from within.
You are so much further along the road than I.
Thank you!
Amy
One small step for man, one giant leap for wo-man hehe it’s not the destination Amy, it’s the journey. celebrate every inch you gain and know that everything you need to “get there” is within. We can bend a branch into a full circle and never break it, if we do it slowly, gently and consistently… You Got This!!
Namaste’
n huggles Amy, what step will you take this month? hehe
Char
Char, I’m planning to go to the April pub night, and if I can I will shave my beard, and perhaps one of the other girls could do a bit of makeup for me.
That would one huge step for me.
Amy
You Got This Amy!!! Practice living Independently of the good opinion of others, where and when ever it is safe to do so…I wouldn’t go to a biker bar dressed up n hop[e to live, but a pub crawl with some other girls sounds like an absolute blast! I’ve gone to a few in a city near me up here and it’s so exhilarating and emancipating to be out in public places authentically and in safety. Take a few deep slow breaths, remind the scared little kid inside that You will take care of her. Take her out safely, let… Read more »
Thank you, Char, this is a great lesson for me. I read your article twice, and it’s just as inspiring the second time. In looking back at my journey, I can see the steps I took to get where I am, even though it doesn’t appear that I’ve gotten very far. Recently I went dancing with one of my gurlfriends from the support group, which was a surprise to Both of us! It taught me to push the edge, but only when I’m ready. If I push too far, I’ll get blowback from self-judgment, and maybe go into hiding. I… Read more »
YES!! Exactly Lorie; you got it!
Set a goal to achieve, take one step no matter how big or small every week and one day you’ll look back and say “Whollayyyy Crap!, look what I have achieved!”
Grow your confidence, self trust, certainty and stay power…
There’s a phrase, woooo and another article coming, illigitimous, nil carborundum… it’s Latin. hehe I’ll write that article today, watch for it Lorie and thank you so much for your comments; I Am Grateful 🙂
Namaste’
n always huggles for you dear
Char
Hi Char, Namaste, Very good advice, Thanks. I’ve cross dressed all my life, but only started buying my own things last year, when our last child moved out. I’m very lucky, my wife is very supportive and it’s improved our relationship so much, we go clothes shopping most Saturdays, and she’s just helped me get my ears pierced (I hate to think what they say in the office but I’ve reached the age where I don’t really care). I dress at home often and go to a local sauna weekly, just to have somewhere to go dressed. I put jeans… Read more »
Awe how fun hey that you get to go shopping with your best friend hehe My wife too is Amazing really, she has purchased a few clothes items for me and several pair of cute Sketcher running shoes. They’re pretty colours and soooo soft haha. I’ll post some pics in the near future to show off a few of the out fits she has purchased for me. This has been the toughest, most rigorous thing I have done in my life Charlotte; becoming me…lol I think I’m going to use that for the title of my next book haha I… Read more »