Today I was listening to a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown. She said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
I got shivers up my spine as I thought about my transgender experience. Shame has been a constant companion through my journey, it has haunted me even as I asked the question of my readers, “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser” and even when I stand on the mountaintop victorious over shame I’m aware that it still bides it’s time, hoping for an insurrection of my spirit.
Secrecy
Those in the transgender community know secrecy well. It has been our bed fellow since before we knew what it meant. Growing up in secrecy we hid our feelings. As we blossomed into adulthood we desperately fought to keep our deepest darkest from others. Like a cancer from within, secrecy ate our souls.
Silence
Like twin demons dancing down the path to despair, silence and secrecy skip hand in hand. Our desire for secrecy kept us silent, and the silence of the community kept others silent. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. The voices of those who can no longer embrace secrecy has sent a cry of hope out into the silence. This was the reason I started Crossdresser Heaven. At first it was my cry for help – to myself, to understand what I was going through. Then it became my cry of hope – small though it may be, I added my voice to the chorus of those offering advice, encouragement and solace. I told my transgender story. I shared your transgender stories.
Judgement
Yet judgement wandered among us still – the judgement of our hearts, the judgement of those with little understanding or care. They condemned us as sinners, as heathens and accused us of all manner of debauchery. They stripped down our identity to a single word, erasing all our good deeds and contributions to hang the sign, “Transgender” around our necks. For many the shame was so strong that we bowed our heads and wore this brand as if it were tattooed on our hearts.
Empathy
It does not need to be this way. We do not need to hide in secret, weep in silence or cower at the judgement foisted upon us. Dear readers, lovely ladies and beautiful kindred spirits, I understand your walk. I know your shame, I feel your struggle, and I hold your hand as you get back up one more time. We are here together. Alone they can isolate us, ridicule us. Together we are strong. Together we can change laws and melt hearts. Together we can find comfort and share warmth.
Together we can pour the salve of empathy on shame. Dousing it so thoroughly that no secrecy, or silence, or judgement can ever infect the beauty of who we are created to be. For all those who have not heard it yet, today I say to you, “me too.“.
Parts of what you wrote are so very true.Because of the “personal secrecy” of the community,mainstream society has no clue how large the “transminded” population really is.We were born this way,and there are many of us on this earth.In my world,I wish many of my “friends”weren’t so secretive.Life is too short,have some fun while you can.
So, why do you feel that cross dressers are born this way? I honestly don’t see how that can be so. Please talk with me-this is “interesting!”
ME TOO!!
[...] on for my thoughts, and a video describing how shame can affect us all. Read crossdresser shame… Share this:FacebookStumbleUponRedditLike this:LikeBe the first to like this [...]
I do believe we are taught to hide within ourselves. We build our self imposed prisons around us. Our homes become our dungeons or jail cells as we hide who we are on the inside from the world, our neighbors and even our families. I am TG and have known this since i was 7 years of age when I a boy donned my first dress. I was taught all the usual things that boys don’t wear girls things, boys don’t play with dolls, but I questioned the rational of this. Why is the biggest question I ask. I even researched this only to find we as humans are made of both parts of both genders, we all have male and female hormones, we all have DNA that we got from our parents. Yet I was expected to live just half a life and deny the other part of my total being. Why? Does my wearing a dress or a pair of pants change who I am as a person? These questions I resolved by taking course in religious studies. We are told we are made in the image of God – RIGHT. So since we know of no Mrs. God, does this mean or can the inference be drawn that God is a Transgendered being as well. The reference to God as HE really has no bearing as the Bible has been rewritten numerous times by men, not women. Think about this.
I knew at the age of 4 that I something was amiss. I wasnt born the right sex. Ive kept it a secret for 60 years but its been sooo hard keeping it inside. What to do. Coming out would be so freeing.
Freeing?
Loss of family
Loss of friends
Loss of work
I would be free from so much.
I have held it this long. I’m sure I can hold a little longer and my family won’t have to feel the same shame as me.
I don’t think sharing This burdon would cut the load in half. I think it would just duplicate onto the backs of those I love.
Now I want to cry. Sorry
So, you are being freed from these things like loss of family? I want you to be happy, Brenda. Yes. I have noticed how sharing my shames with others doesn’t do the job Brenda. Are you feeling better today? I am familiar with cross-dressing stuff. I have felt bad too about it. Well do you want to know what helped me solve the problem? Well, I prayed to Jesus and there is a reason why I talked with God. I knew what good prayers were so I said one…
about the video: while I agree that changing out relationship with shame may be the most important force on the planet, I was disappointed in what she actually said about shame.
Now, us Trans folks, on the other hand, can talk about shame! We can talk about how it holds us back from being ourselves. Our ability to handle shame is crucial to our survival! Indeed, facing the trans part of myself has given me renewed vigor in other areas of my self experience as well. It’s like I learned how to eat shame by transforming my relationship with being trans, and now I’m set to apply that tool elsewhere.
I also want to say that I think our self-shaming comes in layers – I’m certainly still finding new ways that I shame myself even just for being trans. This is why I still see a therapist.
One of the ways that being trans can be a blessing.
How can that be a blessing? What a blessing??
Robert: I agree with you.
i enjoy it when i cross dress i feel great with the item i have on and i wear them to work daily
I loved that entry so much, so I had to translate it into Spanish and share with my crossdresser readers. I hope you don’t mind… Thanks for this cry of hope!!
Hi this is my first time here and this article spoke to me. I was 13 when I first pulled on a pair of tights and slipped my feet into a pair of wedge sandles. I felt shame then and have done every time I’ve dressed as a woman since (am now 40). I am now thinking that I shouldn’t feel shame and embrace the female part of me. Maybe I have just taken the first step of a new adventure…