The thrill is gone, or is it?
I’m feeling a bit different about my dressing the last few months. Something has changed and it’s not entirely bad. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not about to do a purge or something radical like that!
This feeling seems to be similar like the first marvelous highs of infatuation one gets with a new lover, then if all works out and you stay with the person and infatuation is replaced with something else deeper and more meaningful.
Make no mistake though it’s not like I’m new to this, as I have been dressing on and off since my first experiments with my mom’s bras, corsets and slips when I was about 12. Although I did give it up for a long time and then only dabbled with dressing for many years after that.
However, it was around three years ago that Amy first really started to emerge from her male cocoon which brought with her a myriad of conflicts and anxieties. First the internal struggle as to what is happening to me? I felt like I was being pulled down a rabbit hole into a new world I’d only dreamed of before. I had thought how wonderful it might be to get fully and properly dressed and made up for over 20 years or even 30 years ago. I don’t really remember when that thought first came into my mind and it really doesn’t matter now I suppose. At the time I didn’t realize there was such a large community like this which I knew nothing about and was too afraid to go and look. All this was either pre internet or when it was in its early days of development.
What does matter is something inside of me needed to break through, and that was scary to say the least! Then my wife was so afraid she was going to lose me in some form and I was afraid I would lose her too. We have been like soulmates ever since our first date nearly 40 years ago. That all took some time to sort out, however, we did reach a happy equilibrium in our lives again.
While all that was happening, I was slowly spreading my feminine wings. New clothes, skirts, bras, tops, shopping in person and being rather terrified at doing it too. This all brings the kind of adrenalin rush one gets from other high risk activities. Then finding this site and through here chatting with and then eventually meeting other CD’s. It was such an exciting time of discovery for me!
Not that my life was in danger the way it might be driving fast through some mountain roads, or biking along a narrow path with a big drop off just waiting for you to make a mistake, but it is a similar kind of feeling. Certainly rather addictive in its own way too. So I kept pushing my femme self out. First closeted dinners with other CD’s, then solo mall trips, then restaurant meals completely on my own in busy places which all bring their own kind of rush.
Then as the discovery seems to be nearly complete, and many people now know about my rather gender fluid nature, but not everyone in my life by any means. Not that there aren’t things I still want to do in my femme life – like a femme holiday, or travelling to a conference like Keystone for instance. Love to do some of that once we are able to again.
I may never get to the point where I am fully open to all, but I also don’t feel like hiding anymore. This is what I am, and I truly, truly don’t want to offend anyone or get any abuse at all of any kind. I think of myself as a gentle soul and is easily hurt, so I don’t want to bring anything bad upon myself or my family either. However, if I somehow get outed or someone discovers “Amy”, I’ll deal with it in some way.
So what this is leading to now is the fact when I get ready to go out it isn’t the high it used to be. Like the wonderful sexy person you couldn’t wait to see again and have a roll around the hay with, but is now a warm and special person to spend time with and to give you a hug when you need it.
So in many respects I’ve gained so much over the last couple of years, but in a way lost a bit too. This is always the progression though most aspects of our life, things simply become part of the mosaic of our existence. The good and the bad too. Though the dressing has always been the good, even though it has evolved so much through the last 55 years or so, and I suppose I will continue to evolve and change. I also cannot believe it has been so long, but that is also part of life, growing older, and there are those who do not get to have that privilege.
The only small regret I have is not having discovered a way to let Amy out of her cocoon sooner, but I am where I am now, though some years ago living this double life would have been a lot more difficult on several levels. However, a motivated person can always find a way.
So now I enjoy getting dressed up whenever I can and then going out into the world as Amy.
- What stage do you think you are at in your dressing?
- Have you gone out en femme, and if so, how did it go?
- How many of you find yourself in this situation that I find myself in?
Thank you girls for reading my article. Please feel free to send me a comment in regards to my writings or to answer one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above!
More Articles by Amy Myers
- A French Aristocratic Crossdresser, the Chevalier D’Eon
- The History of Crossdressing, Pt 2. The Royal Connection.
- Thanks to the many people behind the mirror at CDH!
- Find your Balance
- To Pass or not to pass, that is the question!