I’ve decided that it’s time for me to share my personal story. Even though I’ve only been crossdressing a few months now, it has been something that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. It’s also very hard to write about. So, here it goes…
I think it really started when I was very young, around the 5th grade. My mom had been single for a while, the sperm donor had left when my brother was still a baby (technically, I was too since we are only 19 months apart.) I get that she was lonely; I think she could have done better. They’re still together. It started off good, but quickly went downhill.
It turned out that he was a drunk, drug addict, and abusive. If my brother or I did anything wrong he would beat us with a leather belt on our bare behinds anywhere from 100 to 200 times. We would have to sit a desk with our heads turned as close to 180 degrees for hours on end. One time I didn’t comb my hair just right and the punishment was strangulation until I almost passed out.
He eventually moved us away to the Houston area for a while and that’s when things got really bad. We’d be woken up in the middle of the night as he forced our mom to drive him to places where he’d get high. When we got home the real bad stuff started.
I’m not sure why, but I was his favorite target for everything, and I endured 99% of what he dealt out. He would call me his little “female dog” and other names. He’d put his cigarette out on my hand (still have the scars) and would even sexually abuse me. Between the sexual, mental, and physical abuse… to say I was very confused about myself is an understatement. What else is sad is that my mom never made an effort to stop any of it. To this day, I don’t have much of a relationship with her.
After a year, we moved back to be closer to his family; my grandmother and grandfather were there, too. They had suspected something was going on, but I was too afraid to tell them. They would call on the phone, but he was usually listening in and had me under the threat of death if I said anything. One day in school, there was a special presentation on child abuse. I learned what to do and who to go to. In the moment, I broke down and told the teacher and principal my story. Man, did things move fast.
My brother and I were pulled out of school, an investigation was started, and we were put into foster care. He was put into jail and my grandparents began their fight to get both of us into their custody. The charges against him never happened thanks to an error in the paperwork; he was released. My grandparents went to the courts to obtain custody; they won as our mother gave up all legal rights to us.
About a year later, my grandfather died. He was the only real male figure in my life and only for a year. A couple of years later, I started dressing in my grandmothers clothes. I thought I was being sneaky about it, but she caught me. She didn’t say or do anything, but I felt like I was doing something wrong and forced myself to stop.
For years, I did my best to live up to the stereotypical male image. Right out of high school, I joined the Marine Corps. I got injured two months into boot camp and was sent home. I had small jobs here and there until I entered the Job Corps.
This was a good thing; I met my future wife on that Job Corps campus. For me, it was love at first sight; she hadn’t noticed me yet. It ended up that we shared the same class and lived in the same dorms. I pursued her with everything I had. We dated for 8 months, and then I asked her to marry me one night by just repeating the question over and over again until she said yes.
After 16 years of being with her, and she trying to get me to loosen up, I once again discover that I still have this part of me that I’d never accepted or acknowledged, still buried down inside. I stumbled onto an article written by a straight male to female crossdresser. I read the whole thing and something came over me. It made me realize that I needed to be true to myself. I needed to stop caring how the world saw me and do what makes me happy.
After reading the article, I called my wife and told her about the article and about the urges I had suppressed for many years. We talked for a few hours, and she was behind me 100%. It started out simple at first– replacing my guy underwear with panties, followed by a sports bra. It was only under dressing, but it made me feel good about myself.
Then one day, my wife went though some of her old clothes. She asked me if I wanted to try them on, which I did. I was hooked, but knowing my wife was behind me made everything easier. I was finally accepting myself, and man did it make a huge difference in my life.
The people closest to me noticed that I was genuinely happier. I no longer was having panic attacks after being in public or crowed places for more than an hour. I no longer looked for the table in the corner at a restaurant so I could have my back to it. I finally felt comfortable enough to enjoy life and do things as a family.
I still have my issues to deal with from my messed up childhood and from my time in the Army, but I’m a better person for just accepting myself. I no longer care what the world thinks of me when I dress. I’m going to dress how I want, and the only person allowed to have an opinion about it is my wife.
Thank you SO much for sharing some of your very personal feelings and your very personal story, Charlotte! Whether or not the outside, uncontrollable factors in your young life helped to steer you to seeing who you really are…the fact is you’re where YOU choose to be today – and you’re happy!
I wish you all the best as you continue to discover Charlotte and to build your life!
BIG hugs!
Shawna
Charlotte, thank you for writing your story. I am happy that you have someone who is willing to be part of your journey. I know that I may not have ever allowed myself to be where I am now if it wasn’t for my wife’s support. I wish you nothing but light and love!
Hi Charlotte what a amazing story that you have written, To share something so personal is always vey hard, I am so glad that you have an amazing supportive wife.
I hope that you find all the happiness and joy in life that you deserve
XXX Paula
Charlotte-what a moving and heart-rending story. There are no words that can express the sadness it evoked that ANYONE ever has to go through childhood experiences like that. My childhood was not perfect but was idyllic by comparison. Clearly you have an inner strength that sustained you until you could finally express the beautiful soul you had inside. I am glad you have a loving and supportive partner. Thanks again for sharing your story.
Cyn
Charlotte,
That was a tough story to read; but it’s good to know that you are a survivor. So many aren’t. If you were still in the Houston area, we could compare notes. No abuse on my side, only neglect; but I know that that, plus a broken home warps all who endure it ( I saw many cases during my years as a Paramedic). So, congratulations on overcoming the hardships.
Hugs,
Bettylou
All the very best to you both on your special journey. Py .x
Hi Charlotte thanks for sharing your story with us, i can’t imagine the heartbreak you have had to endure in your life, my upbringing was a lot different from yours i was a bit of a mummy’s boy, i spent a lot of my childhood in and out of hospital not because i was abused but with a lot of illness, I’m so glad that you have found your soul mate who takes care of your needs and understands that you are who you are and doesn’t disregard you, well take care of each other and don’t forget that you… Read more »
Thank you Charlotte for sharing. We come to CDH to find others like us, to get support, to support each other.
Your childhood experiences are sad, something that no child should ever have to go through being abused. Sharing a post like that gives support, maybe encouragement, to other CDs who might have also been abused, some who may quietly read your post and aren’t ready to tell anyone about that part of their childhood.
Stay strong. Glad that you ended up with such a supportive wife.
Thanks for the support everyone. This was a very tough article for me to write. Besides my wife, I haven’t told anyone this. Something had just come over me to write it and share. It felt like I had lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
Hopefully my story can inspire others that have/going through similar or other bad situations that there is a light at the end of the long and dark tunnel.
Thank you Charolette for sharing such a personal story..
Stories like this often spur several of us to be more accepting of ourselves and appreciate the acceptance we gain from others.