As I was driving home from an event yesterday, I had this pull to stop and get some food. I was in drab mode, so it wasn’t a CD issue or concern. It was just an urge that I felt, almost driven in my need to satisfy my random desire. At the same time, I realized that I had plenty of food at home, and I wasn’t really that hungry. I found myself craving something more.
MORE. I needed more to fill a gaping hole in my psyche. It was inexplicable. I surprised myself with a realization that I was being fooled by my mind into believing I’m not enough. I needed more to be enough.
The problem with the idea of needing more to be enough (much less HAVE enough) is that even when I get the more that I think will satiate me, it still won’t be enough.
As I was driving, I recognized this fact about myself, even before stopping to get something to eat. I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied with whatever I filled myself with. The wanting wasn’t in my belly; it was in my mind.
This morning, while I was journaling on being Lorie, which is a constant path of exploration and wonder, I thought about what it might mean to achieve enough as Lorie. Or rather, what it feels like not being enough. Oh… that’s been a theme in my life—not enough. Anyone else feel that one resonating in their bones?
The different areas of exploration we experience in crossdressing popped into my head faster than I could write them down. All the things that make me feel inadequate as I go about my transformation chips away at my confidence. We keep hearing about that confidence factor; when I start to put on my makeup, pick out my clothes, and comb out my wig, it feels as if it’s all stacked up against me. There is a huge magnifying glass hovering over every aspect of my gender expression. And “fake it till you make it” is the only option to turn to.
I wrote down a list of the parts of presenting as a woman where I judge myself harshly and keep striving for MORE. Next to that I wrote down the reason I feel that I need more. This is how my list looks:
I need to be/have: Because I am:
More passable Not enough
More makeup Not enough
More often dress Not enough
More people who know Not enough
More sexy Not enough
More sensibly dressed Not enough
More fashionable Not enough
More tucking Not enough
More boobs Not enough
More of “the walk” Not enough
More voice feminization Not enough
More clothes/shoes/jewelry/scarves… Not enough
When will I let go of the Not Enough Syndrome? Can I say that I am enough right here, right now? I am whole and complete? It’s a place where I can start.
I’ve been telling myself that I’m not enough for quite some time. I can’t say I remember anyone telling me that, specifically. I think I’ve been the one telling myself this untruth. I get the sense I’ve used it as a back door to shame myself as to my gender identity—if I didn’t already have enough shame about crossdressing in the past.
How much of this syndrome of Not Enough is a theme of comparing myself to others? There are always people who are ahead of me, and there are always people that I’m farther along than; it doesn’t matter.
I am whole and complete. I am expressing my best—from where I am and from what I know. Most importantly, I’m happy. The feelings within me and shining through, as expressed on my face is what people will notice long before (and after) my clothes, hair, makeup are on, or how I walk. I am whole and complete just the way I am.
I haven’t had decades of practice, and yet, this is natural for me. When I dress, I feel a huge sigh of relief and contentment. I feel alive. I stand taller. I smile much more.
I am whole and complete just the way I am.
I am more than enough.