As I was driving home from an event yesterday, I had this pull to stop and get some food. I was in drab mode, so it wasn’t a CD issue or concern. It was just an urge that I felt, almost driven in my need to satisfy my random desire. At the same time, I realized that I had plenty of food at home, and I wasn’t really that hungry. I found myself craving something more.

MORE. I needed more to fill a gaping hole in my psyche. It was inexplicable. I surprised myself with a realization that I was being fooled by my mind into believing I’m not enough. I needed more to be enough.

The problem with the idea of needing more to be enough (much less HAVE enough) is that even when I get the more that I think will satiate me, it still won’t be enough.

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As I was driving, I recognized this fact about myself, even before stopping to get something to eat. I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied with whatever I filled myself with.  The wanting wasn’t in my belly; it was in my mind.

This morning, while I was journaling on being Lorie, which is a constant path of exploration and wonder, I thought about what it might mean to achieve enough as Lorie. Or rather, what it feels like not being enough. Oh… that’s been a theme in my life—not enough. Anyone else feel that one resonating in their bones?

The different areas of exploration we experience in crossdressing popped into my head faster than I could write them down. All the things that make me feel inadequate as I go about my transformation chips away at my confidence. We keep hearing about that confidence factor; when I start to put on my makeup, pick out my clothes, and comb out my wig, it feels as if it’s all stacked up against me. There is a huge magnifying glass hovering over every aspect of my gender expression. And “fake it till you make it” is the only option to turn to.

I wrote down a list of the parts of presenting as a woman where I judge myself harshly and keep striving for MORE. Next to that I wrote down the reason I feel that I need more. This is how my list looks:

I need to be/have:                                       Because I am:

More passable                                                    Not enough

More makeup                                                     Not enough

More often dress                                                Not enough

More people who know                                    Not enough

More sexy                                                            Not enough

More sensibly dressed                                      Not enough

More fashionable                                               Not enough

More tucking                                                       Not enough

More boobs                                                         Not enough

More of “the walk”                                              Not enough

More voice feminization                                    Not enough

More clothes/shoes/jewelry/scarves…            Not enough

 

When will I let go of the Not Enough Syndrome? Can I say that I am enough right here, right now? I am whole and complete? It’s a place where I can start.

I’ve been telling myself that I’m not enough for quite some time. I can’t say I remember anyone telling me that, specifically. I think I’ve been the one telling myself this untruth. I get the sense I’ve used it as a back door to shame myself as to my gender identity—if I didn’t already have enough shame about crossdressing in the past.

How much of this syndrome of Not Enough is a theme of comparing myself to others? There are always people who are ahead of me, and there are always people that I’m farther along than; it doesn’t matter.

I am whole and complete. I am expressing my best—from where I am and from what I know. Most importantly, I’m happy. The feelings within me and shining through, as expressed on my face is what people will notice long before (and after) my clothes, hair, makeup are on, or how I walk. I am whole and complete just the way I am.

I haven’t had decades of practice, and yet, this is natural for me. When I dress, I feel a huge sigh of relief and contentment. I feel alive. I stand taller. I smile much more.

I am whole and complete just the way I am.

I am more than enough.

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Lorie Peace

Since I was 8 I’ve found myself occasionally dressing in girls clothes and loving it. Then I would feel ashamed. About a year ago I decided to embrace it fully, at least in private. Started buying clothes at thrift stores, retail stores, shoes, wig, makeup. I’ve found that I enjoy different points along the spectrum male female, and just seeing what feels right at different times. Sometimes I feel like I’m not “legit” because I’m not full trans, or gay, or bi. Just enjoy genderfluid, or ambi-gender when it happens. It took me months to sign up for cdh, but here I am! I find it fascinating to watch myself through this journey because I've been a life coach for 8 years and I see some of the possibilities for healing as a coach, yet I am dealing with the insecurities and uncertainties and shame that anyone else here might deal with. I'm also grateful that I have this experience to draw on when working with my clients, whatever their gender might be.

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21 Comments
  1. Emily 4 months ago

    Great article! Thanks for sharing what a lot of us are thinking and feeling. It reminds of a quote I heard a long time ago, I believe it is attributed to Nelson Rockefeller. When asked how much money was enough, he replied, “a little more”.

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 2 months ago

      Hi Emily, Yes, I think it’s just part of the human condition. So many evolutionary traits seem useless now, but maybe they are still doing something good for us.

  2. Michele Lace 2 months ago

    Thank you for the very insightful article! I was talking with someone last week and she pointed out how I am always disappointed in myself because I feel I haven’t done Enough in any aspect of life. I’m working on some things on that front. Trying to make some more connections to people. Some success but I will be patient. I’m new here and seeing what I can learn and who I can meet. Thanks again Lorie!

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 2 months ago

      I’m curious, Michelle, what you mean when you say “I’m working on some things on that front.” Are you working on accepting yourself more, or working on being more successful to try to rise to the level you that you envision for yourself?

  3. Michele Lace 2 months ago

    Yes… probably poor choices of words! I’m trying to learn to accept what I DID do and not be upset I didn’t do more. I think this will help me have more time (and better moods) to just do what I can. I see the concentration on the negative in people but now I see that I do it often too. So, learned something and enjoying more without working more. Thanks Lorie!

  4. Jamie Weaver 2 months ago

    you are you no matter no matter how you are dressed however other people don’t see things as you do. you may feel totally transparent and everybody knows what you are doing not true.one thing that helped me was when I went unannounced to visit long time friends and I knew they would recognize me right away but they didn’t in fact I had to talk to them before they realized who I was. I submit you will be surprised that you are not as readily know as you feel. most even close friends will not recognize you easily if at all.
    if you test this fact you will be much more comfortable. looking critically at all women you will find you probably pay way more attention to details then most of them. I know it is hard to do but If you feel that it is ok to be dressed like you are other people will pick up on it accept you too.

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 2 months ago

      Jamie, excellent points! I made a similar comment at https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/r-e-s-p-e-c-t/
      It’s a different twist on exactly what you’re saying.
      And as to the friend not recognizing you, a similar story was told by one of our Crossport members who ran into someone they had known pre-femme days and they didn’t believe her when she told them who she was back then, until she showed them a picture of themselves with long hair in drab.
      Thanks for your comments, very insightful.
      Hugs, Lorie

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