Have you ever spent so much time focused on a project, or aspect of your life, that it feels like it is coming constantly unglued and now you are feeling an avalanche of anxiety because things aren’t working out right in this thing you’ve put so much energy into? It drives you to either dedicate more time and energy to working it out or quit with an exasperated sigh.

It is like playing a football game where the other side keeps scoring points and you are trying to catch up. You want all those points back as soon as possible, so you attempt to score as quickly as possible. In doing so, we often help the opposition. We’re disorganized, working from a place of chaos, flailing in all directions as we desperately try to get back in the game.

The power of accidental revelations are that they come when we aren’t focused on them. We are the recipient of a random act of kindness, an unanticipated compliment, or find out in unexpected ways that what one feared or was anxious about wasn’t a big a deal as we thought it was.

Recently, a member told me about “accidently outing” herself to someone she’d been deeply concerned would react poorly to her doing so. A conversation had taken an unexpected turn, causing the member to talk about something peripherally related to her gender identity. At one point, the conversation had the member demonstrating a curiously deep knowledge of women’s clothing given that the person she was talking to had always seen her as male. There was now a choice between whether to reveal this part of herself to this individual or to concoct a made-up story to try to cover her tracks.

“Oh, hey, I didn’t know. That’s cool.”

It was not the reaction she expected, but a large weight was suddenly lifted. This is not the way it always works. Sometimes the worst case scenario plays out, but not as often as we expect it to.

The cumulative effect of perseveration, fixating on a thought repetitively beyond the point of being rational about it, often leads you into believing the worse case scenario is the only possible outcome. A member once talked to me about being married for ten years, all while keeping her crossdressing a secret from her wife, spent most of that time in the grip of fear and anxiety over her finding out and then condemning the member to be locked in a back closet that would then be set on fire while random villagers gathered in the street and cheered with torches in their hands. You’ve seen these fleeting images in your mind. You know you have. Don’t try to deny it.

One day, this member decided to come out to her wife and reveal the “dark secret” she’d been hiding. Her wife smiled, put her arm on the member’s shoulder, and said, “Yeah, I know, but it was about time you got around to telling me.”

These aren’t always the outcomes, but neither are the ones we anticipate and expect. Don’t let yourself get frightened into inaction by perseverating on worst case scenarios and doom-filled outcomes. Sometimes it goes really wrong. Sometimes it goes unexpectedly right. Usually it is somewhere in between.

Sometimes you have to get out of the bed before you can find out if there really is a floor.

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17 Comments
  1. fiona moss 7 months ago

    Hi Captain 🙂 , Yet another very thought provoking article. I am guilty of this one and I hold my hands up reluctantly. I put it down to many years spent virtually on my own in some shape or form, not hearing others life experiences etc. I tended to look at things on the negative side, all the if’s but’s and maybe’s come to light. There is no doubt in my mind that a problem shared is a problem halved, we need others to look up to, for guidance and support, we cant do everything on our own all the time. Thats where good honest friends come into the equation.
    Three months ago, Captain, if you had put the question to me ‘do you look on the negative side of things’ I would have answered ‘yes’. Now its a different story altogether, after seeing members stories on here and the fact many have gone through very rough times and come through the other side, actually made me think in a different light. I realised there is hope and dont just look dimly on everything, view it in bright sunny light! Three months on and here I am, looking positively at things, oh! and not just cross dressing, but events in my life. We all have our lows, even if we are the most optimistic person in the world! but with a little thought and true friends, you really can change for the better! Thanks Captain!

    Fiona xxx

    • Author

      I think hearing those stories others have shared help people see that maybe it won’t end in horrible pestilence, war, and famine when they reveal certain parts of who they are. That is one of the ways we really help build a supportive community. We tend to think we’re alone with aspects of ourselves that aren’t embraced openly in the mainstream. I know I used to think I was just some kind of a freak. When you get down to more realistic ground, where it won’t always been doom and won’t always be a happy dance in a beautiful garden of balloons, unicorns, and odd-looking but friendly partly humanoid puppets, you can set a realistic course forward.

      Or maybe I’m just rambling. I’m never sure.

  2. Olivia Livin 7 months ago

    Thank you…..again Captain

  3. Nice article Cap. I hope our members can take it to heart. The worst we fear almost never occurs. True, it may happen, but often things work out much better than we feared.

    Hugs,
    April

  4. Michelle Liefde 7 months ago

    Just reminded me that “Fear is the Mind Killer…” All too well do I understand that inaction that comes and the inability to make any decision. Thank you, Captain!

  5. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 7 months ago

    Three years ago I was a crossdresser who had been in the closet(well only in my bedroom anyway) for 4 decades. Then I found Crossdresser Heaven and meekly began opening up to the few dozen members we had here at that time. With the encouragement and support of others here-especially Codille and a few others, , I began to share myself and my story, and began to spread my wings. It wasn’t all smooth sailing but neither was it the debacle I had feared. While I’m not out to all the world, my family (the ones still alive anyway) know about Cyn as do my close friends. And I get out fairly often and walk freely as Cyn whenever the mood strikes me. I even the other day opened up to a wife of an acquaintance from pool about myself-I just had the feeling she would be receptive and accepting despite only knowing her for literally thirty minutes. And she was indeed-telling me she wold never have guessed it. When I showed her some pics, she was very complimentary-even telling me I had better cleavage than she did LOL.

    In short, the advice I always give to those who are where I was three years ago is : never let ANYONE push you farther than you are ready to go, BUT also never let anyone(including yourself) clip your wings to keep you from soaring if you ARE ready to fly!
    Cyn

  6. Lorrie Kaye 7 months ago

    Well said, Captain…but, unlike the positive, hoped-for results you and others mention in comments below, my accidental outing resulted in a most horrific divorce, complete with slurs, physical violence towards me (I never struck back) and the total alienation of my daughter from me. Despite this,I continue to dress in secret, terrified my current wife finding out and history repeating itself. Thank the goddess for CDH and the love and support of all the ladies here! Peace and love to you all!

    • Author

      Yes, it does happen that way sometimes unfortunately. I’m sorry you went through all that, I’ve been in an abusive relationship before, one in which emotional manipulation was used to convince me to join her in the personal hell she lived in and mostly kept secret. I was diagnosed with PTSD that came about as a result of particular events during that time and how they impacted me.

      I try to live my personal narrative and embrace my personal mythology, and as such I created a way to process what happened. She who put me through all this while claiming to love me has been excommunicated from my mythology. I took away her power. She exists now as a symbol, a reminder of how the worst case scenario can happen at any moment. It was worse than any worse case scenario I could have imagined. I lived with an addict eventually diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder with indications of sociopathy.

      I survived, as I survived suicide, financial ruin leading almost to homelessness, and now I’m surviving chronic illness. Monsters have been inside my capital many times. They haven’t killed me yet and I still haven’t lost my faith in hope.

      May things go well with your current wife and I hope you find the happiness you very much deserve.

      • Lorrie Kaye 7 months ago

        My heart goes out to you, Cap! I apologize for whining while others, like yourself, have dealt with much, much more than I. I send blessings to you and thank you for taking the time to respond to my comments. All my hopes and love to you!

      • Author

        No, this is the thing. We are all valid and you cannot compare one struggle to another. There are too many variables to consider. All our pain is real and valid. We are valid. All suffering needs to find a way to a new path. I feel for your struggles and the pain in caused. Never compare struggles as one being more difficult than another. This is how you invalidate people, and that is something I strive to never do.

      • Lorrie Kaye 7 months ago

        You are AMAZING!

      • Author

        Nah, I’m jus me.

      • *skippy1965(Cynthia) 7 months ago

        Lorrie-I echo Cap’ns words -never compare your losses to anyone else’s; each of us struggles in our own way and yours are no less real than any others. I am guilty of doing the same because despite my gender issue, I have been truly blessed in life in so many ways. If you use your struggles and triumphs to help others then you have fulfilled your role-all of us should strive to help others learn from our hardships and share our joys and you did that in writing your reply here.
        Cyn

    • Char 7 months ago

      …moving past the end of 3 marriages and 5 years into the fourth…a couple of clean decades behind me since the one when the last suicide attempts and heavy cocaine (etc) use were ‘normal” daily events.

      Feeling more me than ever, and still facing challenges as well as enjoying triumphs along the way, I can say this…

      As I practice falling more in love with who “I Am”, the more I am living the amazing experience of seeing others around me falling in love with me too…in other words,,,,
      what I think and feel “about me” under my skin, has been acted out “toward” me by those around me, for my whole life…
      That changed everything for me once I truly got it…
      Tank you for being exactly who you are Lorrie
      Namaste’
      n huggles
      Char

  7. Char 6 months ago

    Our stories have a common thread. Try, purge, hide, try…It’s like holding the beach ball under water with one hand on a windy day…Letting go of the ball and allowing it to naturally float to the surface seem mortifying and yet when we are able to get out of our own way, more often than not, we meet with that beautiful beach ball bouncing and bobbing joyously on the waves of ocean of life, fully out there in the sun…
    I imagine it like being fully inside a very thin balloon, (the real or imagined fear), and pushing outward in all directions for a seemingly endless time, until one day, the membrane finally gives way and pops with a snapping sound. In but a moment, I become free…no longer bound by the fears moving about in the sun with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step.
    Over the course of the past five years, every day has presented an opportunity for me to show one new person that they have nothing to fear from me; acceptance is won by quelling the fears inside and outside of ourselves with kindness.
    Thank you Cap, for another great writing, together we can all keep a gentle and consistent pressure on fear and in time, it will all dissolve…I love that!
    Namaste’
    Char

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