Have you ever spent so much time focused on a project, or aspect of your life, that it feels like it is coming constantly unglued and now you are feeling an avalanche of anxiety because things aren’t working out right in this thing you’ve put so much energy into? It drives you to either dedicate more time and energy to working it out or quit with an exasperated sigh.

It is like playing a football game where the other side keeps scoring points and you are trying to catch up. You want all those points back as soon as possible, so you attempt to score as quickly as possible. In doing so, we often help the opposition. We’re disorganized, working from a place of chaos, flailing in all directions as we desperately try to get back in the game.

The power of accidental revelations are that they come when we aren’t focused on them. We are the recipient of a random act of kindness, an unanticipated compliment, or find out in unexpected ways that what one feared or was anxious about wasn’t a big a deal as we thought it was.

Recently, a member told me about “accidently outing” herself to someone she’d been deeply concerned would react poorly to her doing so. A conversation had taken an unexpected turn, causing the member to talk about something peripherally related to her gender identity. At one point, the conversation had the member demonstrating a curiously deep knowledge of women’s clothing given that the person she was talking to had always seen her as male. There was now a choice between whether to reveal this part of herself to this individual or to concoct a made-up story to try to cover her tracks.

“Oh, hey, I didn’t know. That’s cool.”

It was not the reaction she expected, but a large weight was suddenly lifted. This is not the way it always works. Sometimes the worst case scenario plays out, but not as often as we expect it to.

The cumulative effect of perseveration, fixating on a thought repetitively beyond the point of being rational about it, often leads you into believing the worse case scenario is the only possible outcome. A member once talked to me about being married for ten years, all while keeping her crossdressing a secret from her wife, spent most of that time in the grip of fear and anxiety over her finding out and then condemning the member to be locked in a back closet that would then be set on fire while random villagers gathered in the street and cheered with torches in their hands. You’ve seen these fleeting images in your mind. You know you have. Don’t try to deny it.

One day, this member decided to come out to her wife and reveal the “dark secret” she’d been hiding. Her wife smiled, put her arm on the member’s shoulder, and said, “Yeah, I know, but it was about time you got around to telling me.”

These aren’t always the outcomes, but neither are the ones we anticipate and expect. Don’t let yourself get frightened into inaction by perseverating on worst case scenarios and doom-filled outcomes. Sometimes it goes really wrong. Sometimes it goes unexpectedly right. Usually it is somewhere in between.

Sometimes you have to get out of the bed before you can find out if there really is a floor.

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Dionysus (Captain Di) The Corsair

Captain Di is an evolving explorer of the merger, or co-mingling, of the elements of the masculine and feminine that exist in different levels within us all. Captain Di believes in honest, self-expression and self-exploration with the goal of pushing the boundaries of what we limit ourselves to when we adhere to a system of what we "should" or "should not" do, become, or express our individuality through.

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Daisy MarieChar*skippy1965(Cynthia)Dionysus (Captain Di) The CorsairLorrie Kaye Recent comment authors
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Fiona-Ann Moss
Active Member

Hi Captain 🙂 , Yet another very thought provoking article. I am guilty of this one and I hold my hands up reluctantly. I put it down to many years spent virtually on my own in some shape or form, not hearing others life experiences etc. I tended to look at things on the negative side, all the if’s but’s and maybe’s come to light. There is no doubt in my mind that a problem shared is a problem halved, we need others to look up to, for guidance and support, we cant do everything on our own all the… Read more »

Olivia Livin
Active Member

Thank you…..again Captain

April (Pacific Princess)
Active Member

Nice article Cap. I hope our members can take it to heart. The worst we fear almost never occurs. True, it may happen, but often things work out much better than we feared.


Michelle Liefde
Active Member

Just reminded me that “Fear is the Mind Killer…” All too well do I understand that inaction that comes and the inability to make any decision. Thank you, Captain!

skippy1965 Cynthia
Trusted Member

Three years ago I was a crossdresser who had been in the closet(well only in my bedroom anyway) for 4 decades. Then I found Crossdresser Heaven and meekly began opening up to the few dozen members we had here at that time. With the encouragement and support of others here-especially Codille and a few others, , I began to share myself and my story, and began to spread my wings. It wasn’t all smooth sailing but neither was it the debacle I had feared. While I’m not out to all the world, my family (the ones still alive anyway) know… Read more »

Kathryn Lynn
Active Member

Well said, Captain…but, unlike the positive, hoped-for results you and others mention in comments below, my accidental outing resulted in a most horrific divorce, complete with slurs, physical violence towards me (I never struck back) and the total alienation of my daughter from me. Despite this,I continue to dress in secret, terrified my current wife finding out and history repeating itself. Thank the goddess for CDH and the love and support of all the ladies here! Peace and love to you all!

Active Member

…moving past the end of 3 marriages and 5 years into the fourth…a couple of clean decades behind me since the one when the last suicide attempts and heavy cocaine (etc) use were ‘normal” daily events. Feeling more me than ever, and still facing challenges as well as enjoying triumphs along the way, I can say this… As I practice falling more in love with who “I Am”, the more I am living the amazing experience of seeing others around me falling in love with me too…in other words,,,, what I think and feel “about me” under my skin, has… Read more »

Active Member

Our stories have a common thread. Try, purge, hide, try…It’s like holding the beach ball under water with one hand on a windy day…Letting go of the ball and allowing it to naturally float to the surface seem mortifying and yet when we are able to get out of our own way, more often than not, we meet with that beautiful beach ball bouncing and bobbing joyously on the waves of ocean of life, fully out there in the sun… I imagine it like being fully inside a very thin balloon, (the real or imagined fear), and pushing outward in… Read more »

Daisy Marie
Active Member

Thank you captain! I loved the final statement!

Sometimes we make dozens of plans in our minds and nothing happens as expected, so all the once genial and disciplined planning become time squandered on mind-wandering.

Thus, for the most of the cases, jump off the bed and run towards our goals is the best alternative (regardless the floor, the existence of hurdles or whether there are available shoes).


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