Time to lighten up the load… so to speak. My recent blogs have been more somber. I believe we should embark on a cruise of lightheartedness.
To borrow the opening from Dr. Seuss:
Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
I’ve been at this Managing Editor position for a long time, since 2016, and I’ve read (and seen) quite a bit on this site. While we are all uniquely different in our pursuit of the crossdressing experience, we still have many things in common. I happen to be one of those rare individuals that share both an analytical approach and a creative side, a gray area awareness. This is both a blessing and a hindrance in living any type of life…
If… you throw in my propensity for anxiety and introversion, it’s a wonder that I’m not in a padded cell or an isolated cabin in the mountains (a dream destination.) Just like my crossdressing (or transgender) state of mind (depends on the day) my life, like yours I suspect, leaves me with way too many unanswered questions. With every layer I unwrap, more questions surface.
There have been some common threads in what I’ve seen as the progression along the “Crossdresser Timeline.” Some will skip along and paint their toes at distinct moments, but many of us have followed a similar pattern. Early in our childhood, we become attracted to a specific, attributed female object. For me, it was high heels. I would parade around in my mother’s shoes until I was told I was too old to do so. My sister had a pair of Mary Jane pumps that I couldn’t keep my feet out of. It was a natural progression to next include nylons, then silky undergarments, to dresses. I could keep the urges under control by dabbling in minor CD behavior. I tried to live my best manly side while buying and purging a pair of high heels, nylons, and lingerie as needed. I had my hairiness in place and let the shame and guilt keep me depressed while I struggled with all the questions of why?
It wasn’t about trying to look feminine at all. It was the need to wear those heels and calm the voice that yelled in my head. What I thought was I did it to compensate for the stresses in my life. What I know today is the opposite. By shutting down and trying to eradicate that side of me is what created the stress. Not that being a CD isn’t stressful. Oh, how I wished there were some pictures of the hairy guy strutting in the garage on 6-inch heels. I used to hide them in my golf bag during the winter and in a Christmas decoration box in the summer.
The next stage of my evolution was the research stage, which really only happened with the help of the internet. Trust me when I say that prior to the 90s it sucked, not that it was great even then. There was nothing good to be found, and it truly felt like you were the only one. I couldn’t get enough of watching crossdressers, drag performers, or transgender individuals on television, especially on some of the talk shows. Looking back, it’s easy to see the signs. It was still an internal fight between acceptance and refusal. With the internet came more understanding and the dawning notion that I wasn’t the only one. It also brought freedom to shop for those exciting outfits, but discreetness wasn’t yet the norm. I was home to get the mail before my ex. What did my postal carrier think?
Somewhere, at some time in our lives, I believe we all have the “Ah Ha!” moment. That pivotal notion that this isn’t ever going away and that I am not like the other guys. The option is to embrace it, succumb to despair, and try to drink, drug, or other means to ignore it or come to a balance within the scope of our necessity to live the fallacy of our life. That is the path the majority of us have taken. We accept what we are or might be, and we acknowledge that we may not be in a place or position to bring it out of the closet. That moment didn’t happen for me until after my divorce (because I was caught.)
For nearly two years, I excitedly embraced it. I’ve never been so fit, but I wasn’t happy. The feelings of my male failure eventually won out, and I went seven years into another relationship, purging everything, including the magical photos that I wish I had back. We can’t change what we are, I tried, and it still called to me. I may not have dressed and did my best male interpretation, but my mind wouldn’t let me rest. It permeated into the relationship, causing me anxiety and depression. It’s been 10 years since, and my mind is in a much better place. There are always going to be issues…
The progression from clothing items to fully presenting as a woman has been exciting and comical to review. I believe we first try to emulate that which excites us. We attempt to become our “dream” girl. It takes a severely blind eye to be happy with the result, or an extremely gifted body and ability to pull it off. I had neither. I may have always had great legs, but pulling off the rest has been challenging. Thank God for thrift stores and the internet for “How To” videos. Just like every woman out there, certain styles and looks will work better than others. Learning to accept what does is the hardest part, but then again, it really comes down to what we want this experience to be, a passing moment or structural building block in our present and future life.
The one commonality I believe most women despise us for our legs, hips, and slimmer faces, in a crossdressing, presenting as a woman way. We can bulk up our hips with padding and look years younger just by putting on a wig, something they would love to be able to do. We can’t easily hide the rough hands or broad chests, but with the right styles, we can minimize the scrutiny. The world is changing, some for the good, and recently for the bad as the war against being trans rages on. Every human searches for their acceptance, their place, their group. We have some of the best allies right here on CDH and TGH. We are far from being alone. I see a future where, eventually, we will enable human rights over division. Let’s hope it comes sooner than later…
Live a life worth living, full of kindness and empathy. Don’t ever forget to laugh, it just might save another’s day 😊
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- It’s a Wonderful (CD) Life
- A Crossdresser Thanksgiving
- Where has My Woman gone?
- To Be or Not (No, it’s to be!)
- Farmer’s Tan