When I was around the age of puberty, I occasionally hung out with the girl next door. Being in the country, that was a short walk from our house. She was a year or two younger than me. Considering that I only hung out with the guys one house over from hers on a nearly constant basis playing football, baseball, etc., I found myself confused at my interest in my new friend.
Well, sure, there were hormones going (I’m not gay), and she was kind of cute, but I wasn’t really “attracted” to her, per se. To be honest, her family was a bit quirky. She was not an exception.
But one day, I saw her in a dress.
She was just playing outside, running around, doing whatever all in a dress. No special occasion going on that day, she just decided to wear a dress. Back in those days, girls didn’t wear a dress except on those special holidays, or maybe to church. She was out in her yard, in a dress just because she wanted to wear one on that particular day.
I normally would cut through their front yard (the parents were fine with that) on my way to “the guys” house, and I stopped to chat. I didn’t make it to the guys’ house for a while.
As we played in the yard, she brought up the fact that she loved to wear dresses. This one was a bit over-sized, hem below her knees, and a flouncy A-line. I loved watching it move as she walked and played and danced. I can still see it (I’m sure the details have been edited by a faulty memory), a broad yellow floral cotton dress, puffy shoulders, and a high waist.
I felt something flutter in my chest as I watched. I didn’t know what that was. I felt guilty for feeling it. I assumed it was because I was lusting. But I didn’t know at the time that I was lusting as much (or more) for the dress as for the girl. I felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be watching so closely.
I don’t know why, but she brought up the dress, and how much she loved dresses. “I would wear them all the time if I could,” she said. “My Mom gives me dresses, and I wear them around the house when I can.”
In looking back, I can see that I was putting myself in her shoes. Without understanding or even knowing that envy was the dominate feeling that caused the “flutter” from me unconsciously putting myself in that dress. I felt empowered by her revelation and confession that a dress was a feeling that girls enjoyed! It wasn’t just a social convention that women cowtowed to. There was a special girl feeling that came with wearing a dress and it was unique and delicious. As I contemplated that feeling, I was both electrified and mortified by my reaction. I felt confused on the inside with my feelings about how I would feel wearing that dress of hers!
But all the same, I thought about how that dress would feel on me. I thought about wearing only soft little panties under the dress. I imagined my legs naked and smooth down to the ground, moving in freedom under the dress, and the cloth caressing my skin. I saw her move freely, legs together or stretched out to either side while covered in soft fabric in a tent of privacy and femininity.
I can look back, now, and see how I was experiencing those moments. I can see that confusion about my feelings about the dress conflicting with my male persona (persona is Greek for “mask”) that was not allowed to consider these thoughts.
I can see now that the confusion was also fueled by the time when I was 8 at Halloween and my sisters dressed me as a little girl and one of the people at a Trick or Treat house asked me, “And what are you supposed to be, little girl?” And his face dropped when his friend nudged him with a look, and he figured it out, and the room went silent.
I wanted that dress. I wanted to wear that dress. But I was confused and ashamed. I was afraid that if I continued to hang out with her that I would ask her if I could wear one of her dresses. I’m guessing she would have said yes, and I would frolic in the yard in a dress and panties, and then all “the guys” would find out, and that would be hell.
I didn’t ask. And because of my confusion and my fear that I would act on my urge – I stopped hanging out with her.
Sitting here, now, in my dress, a simple frock that reminds me of that yellow dress, I am encouraged by that early moment in my life that affirms the truth of who I am today. Whether I am transgender, gender non-conforming, or gender fluid, I have always been Lorie. And today she is freer than she has ever been before. She continues to be that little girl in the dress playing in the yard, carefree and happy.
Girls, can you share with us a time you had an encounter with a girl back when you were a young boy that gave you the desire of wanting to wear a dress?
Or tell me about the very first time you got the desire to wear female clothing if it happened when you were a young boy.
Thanks for reading my story and I look so forward to hearing your responses to my article!
Sincerely, Lorie
More Articles by LaWren Peace
- “SelfPartnered:” A New Way To See Myself
- Coming Out; My Favorite System
- Dating Girls as a Girl: What Is Different?
- Can I ever be Enough?
- Dancing at the Redmoor
Lorie, I wrote this article ( https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/sometimes-she-screams-krista-pm-to-cyn-about-title/ ) about my first conscious desires and the up and down journey towards self-acceptance.
Cyn
Great story thank you
Hi Lorie: That’s a lovely story, very insightful. I had a similar experience when I was around 5 or 6, and hadn’t really figured it out until recently. My two Aunts had taken me and my younger sister shopping for Christmas. We were in one of the big department stores in downtown LA (May Co.? Bullocks?) and while in the girls dress department, my eyes were drawn to an apparition: a beautiful blonde, blue eyed girl about my age, in a blue dress, white pinafore and white petticoat with black MaryJane shoes and white anklets. I had an amazing and… Read more »
Grateful for the girls who showed us the feminine side of ourselves!
Peace, Lorie
Lorrie, Thanks for an interesting story, which stirred-up some long-forgotten memories. Don’t recall ever wanting to BE that girl in the dress, but when I was 10 or 11, I spent a lot of time in the company of twin girls, who convinced me to wear a dress they provided. And the only small groups of people I associated with were girls. This practice would get me labeled (erroneously) as “queer", that being the only name for those who didn’t conform to accepted profiles in those days. I never realized I had actually been a “dresser" for so long, and… Read more »
Sometimes we don’t get to set the timeline, and yet, it is perfect.
Hugs, Lorie
Lori,
“Better late than never" is oh so true; but there are things I could have done in my 20s, or even 30s that simply don’t work for senior citizens (like mini-skirts).
Hugs
Bettylou
I think I was probably 5 when I got the desire to put on a dress. Everytiem I saw a girl in a dress, I always admired the way the hem of the dress would move up and down their legs as they walked. I’d encounter girls my age at the park and they seemed so happy twirling around in their pretty dresses. I did eventually take it upon myself to try on my mom and sister’s dresses as well as their panties. I really loved my mom’s nylons and high heels. I was devastated the day my feet got… Read more »
There’s no explaining that feeling.
Hugs, Lorie
So good! I’m we’ve all felt that way. Still do every single day.
Great article. Thanks for sharing. I don’t remember any specific instances from childhood like this, but I sure do remember quite a few from adulthood. Lol. As recent as yesterday.
Amen, sister!
I used to share a room with my sister from age 4-6 or so, my brothers were in the “boys" room and I was in the :girls" room, which is where my interest in dressing up came from. I remember wearing a pair of her pink silk panties, which felt great, and I was at a sleep over of some friends in which there was a girl similar age there too, she saw my pink panties and commented on them…I felt shameful and guilt for wearing them. I tried on a couple of my sisters dresses a few years later… Read more »
Shame can be like vampires: it shrinks in the light of day.
Peace, Lorie
very true! and add guilt for icing on the cake
I was about 5 years old when I was invited to my cousin’s birthday party. I was the only boy there and I was immediately drawn to the lovely beauty and softness of the dresses that the girls wore. I was immediately taken by a desire to be able to dress like they were. It was a memory that has lasted with me until now.
What a beautiful evening. I can just imagine your endless smile!
Peace, Lorie
I was maybe 4 or 5 the first time I put on one of my sister’s dresses. As I grew older, I use to play dress up with my sister and her friends. They would always put mom’s dresses on over there clothes. I always took my clothes off and put on mom’s clothes. I loved the feel of the silky panties my mom wore. I was hooked on cross dressing ever since. As a teenager I felt guilty and ashamed. I knew it was something I loved doing though. 50 years later I am still dressing up in dresses.… Read more »
You are so fortunate to have had those opportunities to experience your feminine. I’ve always wondered what a wedding dress would feel like. I guess that it would be a princess feeling, which I love.
Peace, Lorie