In My Navy Blue Suit

In My Navy Blue Suit

As I sit here in my navy blue suit, French blue dress shirt, and burgundy tie, I remember a childhood lost in fear and abandonment, confusion and shame.

Just like every little girl, all I wanted was to be a beautiful princess swept off her feet by her Prince Charming. I wanted that pretty pink dress with white stockings and the flowing blonde hair tied up in ribbons. I longed, oh I longed, to be rescued by my dashing knight in shining armor. He would take me up upon his steed and bring me to his castle where we would live happily ever after…

But, in such a rigid Mennonite household, how can such foolery be tolerated? And, should I be caught dressing up, the wrath of God would surely be delivered upon me. With one brother calling me a “fag” while flogging my tiny back and shoulders and the other one taking advantage of such a small feminine body whenever the opportunity dawned, what could be expected of me?

For many years I tried so hard to hide my inner nature. It became everything for me to not divulge my secret… This dirty little secret that I was so sure came directly from hell and the devil. This childhood, which was supposed to be filled with excitement at every new thing that came, was forced silent in a vault of fear.

But even when I hid my inner self with success, the abuse didn’t end. I eventually ran away from home and went where a legalistically pacifistic group would never look for me. I joined the army…

Like jumping from the frying pan to the fire. If my sick habits weren’t acceptable at home, they were certainly not welcome in the military. It didn’t take long before my CO found a reason to get rid of me, and he did just that.

And I was broken. Shattered into millions of shiny little pieces… like glitter in the sun, my dreams of completeness were blown away with the winds of shame. And I never tried to be who I truly am again.

Not a single day passes that I don’t mourn my little girl. And I cry at her loss. Her name was Christina and she just wanted to be beautiful and loved, to be someone’s princess. And she was punished because she existed.

And I sit here in my navy blue suit, french blue dress shirt, and burgundy tie. I remember a childhood like a fading dream. I remember a love lost. And I’ve forgotten who I am.

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Christina

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  1. Helena 5 months ago

    Oh, Christina! Hugs, hugs, and just more hugs.

  2. Veronica Raines 5 months ago

    Christina, I just read your story. I can’t stop crying. I’m not good at words, but remember. ALL, of us here, love you, and cherish you just the way you are.

    Veronica Raines

  3. Sahi saheli 5 months ago

    Oh Christina !
    A saga of suffering,heart wrenching but please keep the little girl in you we are all with you to comfort you ,take you into our arms embrace you kiss you to keep your spirit alive,shining always.
    Love sahi

  4. Amanda McBride 5 months ago

    Trust that most of us, here – share your pain and we are with YOU. I know I do, my story is very much like yours, too. Never forget, there is strength in numbers and you can find fresh inspiration and strength, here on this site, with us. My prayer for you is that you will find freedom and love.

    All the best !!
    Amanda

  5. cynthia 5 months ago

    christina
    your story touches all of us
    i read it twice and each time it said
    its time for us to be together and help
    each other whenever the need arises

  6. Bruce Taylor 5 months ago

    Christina
    I love your story, I know where you’re coming from.
    My up bringing was in a country setting l had 4 older sisters. Money was hard to come by so many times I had to wear hand me down from my sisters and was picked on in school a lot.
    I stayed in the closet for most of my childhood.
    God bless you and u have a family with us

    Love Lisa

  7. Marcie Rose 5 months ago

    Christina, I fully understand where you’re coming from. I grew up in a “Holiness” church, very similar to Mennonite. Every time I dreamed of being a girl or got a few minutes alone to try on my mom’s clothes, I thought God was going to strike me down. I thought I was being oppressed/possessed by the devil because I was “effeminate” which I thought the Bible condemned. In the past few years, I’ve developed a radically different idea of God and His unconditional love and grace. Thanks to sites like this one, I also realized I’m not alone or crazy. I’m allowing myself to be the princess I desparately wanted to be as a child. In fact, I have a beautiful gown hanging next to my dress shirts. There’s always hope for the princess inside of you. Message me if you want to discuss coming out of legalism and into our God-given princessness. You’re loved and never alone.

    Marcie Rose

  8. Lara Cross 5 months ago

    Christina- What a moving, poignant reflection… Though we are often products of our past, we must live to be visions of our future. We cannot change our background, but we can improve the ground on which we dwell, mentally as well as physically. You are talented and beautiful. Use those two qualities to elevate your heart and your mind. Be the person you aspire to be and not a shadow of someone else’s mistakes. Love to you! — Lara.

  9. Lois Harding 5 months ago

    I know what it like to grow up in a house of drinker and father abuse me in so many ways. I

  10. Jenna Lee Freeman 5 months ago

    Maybe we can be the accepting family that you so missed out on in your childhood. My heart goes out to you Christina my love. XXOO. Jenna Lee

  11. Hananiah Abednego 5 months ago

    I Pray for you Christina. My circumstances are quite different, although perhaps similar. I am from the US, but a Missionary working in Central America where I have been for 15 years now. I am in a 3rd world country where being gay carries a longer prison sentence than murder, and all crossdressers are considered gay. If a crossdresser is discovered out something bad usually happens to her. Just recently a crossdresser school teacher had her throat slit when she was found out. The police did nothing because they consider it good for her. I know another young grossdresser who was beaten several times for going out in public. She finally died this past year at age 22, they called it a suicide. Even police get involved in the beatings. And so a crossdresser must stay in the closet, or risk her life. It is sad how things are in some of these 3rd world countries. Not at all like the US where I came from…Hananiah

  12. Terri Anne 5 months ago

    Christina, I can not even imagine how much you have suffered in your life.
    I can only pray for you and hope that in some small way this community can help you overcome some of the hurt done to you.
    God Bless your dear soul,
    You are loved!
    -Terri Anne

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