My name is Susan Scott and I am writing this not only to tell my story, but also to get feedback from those that have similar experiences. I apologize for any grammatical errors as I do not have access to any correction program prior to printing my story and my writing skills have decreased since I retired from a long teaching career 6 years ago. I am also writing this simply because it feels good to get this out to people on this site. I feel secure with this site which always provides a positive forum for every member of this site.
My story starts out like so many of the ones I have read here. Around age 10 I found the urge to put on a pair of my Moms pantyhose, and that was it, never had I felt so alive and excited. In the following years I began to add skirts, tops, dresses and anything I could find in my mother’s or older sister’s closet. I’ve often joked that I wore most of the dresses in my sister’s closet a lot more than she ever did. Publicly I was an average kid and my talent was in athletic endeavors. This would mean that I spent my teen and young adult years surrounded by the toxic, homophobic and misogynistic “locker room” type atmosphere. Back then any non- heterosexual desires I might have had I would purposely bury them as deep as I could. And, of course, constantly in a deep state of denial as I quit dressing about 300 times.
After college I met my beautiful wife and we were married and had three wonderful kids. During this period (my late 20s and 30s) I continued to dress, quit, purge and then eventually dress again. In my mid-thirties with information via the net becoming widely available, I finally started the journey towards acceptance. I eventually arranged my first step outside the closet. Traveling to Toronto I spent a wonderful weekend with a few internet friends dressing and bar hopping in the Gay district. I continued to refer myself as totally heterosexual as I had became adept at avoiding examining my true sexual identity. During this period, I came out to my wife as a cross dresser. She tried to be supportive but had a difficult time with it. We moved into a long period of the “Don’t ask don’t tell” routine. There were still purges but they were less frequent and the purge periods shortened. Let me say that I have always loved my wife deeply and that has never changed.
At age 50 I started seeing a therapist and of course the major topic of our sessions was my dressing and all that went with it. After multiple sessions and several months, we came to the conclusion that I would be happier living full time as Susan. I went into my preparations. Telling my wife and two older children was the most difficult thing I ever did. My wife was devastated and heartbroken and during this time stated to me that we would never be friends. I moved out of the house and into an apartment, started dressing most of my non work time hours. I started electrolysis and scheduled an appointment to begin HRT. I spent one week in Provincetown without the access of any male clothing as a bit of a dry run. During therapy I unpeeled the first layer of my sexuality admitting in therapy that I was bi curious but never acting out on any of those bi urges. About two weeks before HRT was to begin and things seeming to be in order, I had a severe panic attack, looking ahead and feeling that I was losing my wife and kids forever. Gripped in fear I cancelled the whole transition and began the process of reconciliation with my wife. Within a month I had moved back home and had reestablished my “regular guy” status. I went back to dressing in private with the occasional CD trip to escape the closet. I was relieved that I was able to save my relationship with my family. By the way none of my male friends knew about any of this so it was business as usual.
In the most recent 5 years I have continued therapy focusing more and more on the sexuality part of the picture. Again, I use the metaphor of peeling the onion, layer after layer of denial being taken away. I eventually was able to say to my therapist that I was bi but as we went deeper and deeper and I peeled that last layer and we came to the very clear conclusion that I was attracted physically to men and in fact not attracted to women at all. It felt absolutely liberating to state this realization out loud to my therapist and I am not upset with this revelation. I am not sure when exactly this became the case or if it was from birth. There is more evidence of sexual fluidity so who knows. Of course the crisis facing me is my deep love for my wife and despite everything I have no desire to leave her. She has become more accepting of the dressing but doesn’t know of the sexuality issue though being that we don’t really have physical relations she may have suspicions. So that is the story and I go forward not knowing what I will do. I have not acted out; I just don’t have that “cheating” gene I guess. I continue to dress and love being Susan whenever I can
I would love to hear your thoughts and advice!