In my previous three articles Happy Surprises!, Halloween, The Night I Lost My Monster and What Drives Our Need To Be Out In Public? I addressed some happy and exciting events in my life. Until now.
As I’ve written before, I came out to my wife on Halloween Night 2019. She took a bit of time adjusting to the fact that I was a cross dresser then jumped on board wholeheartedly! She took me to Ulta and dropped a bundle of money on cosmetics that she said I would need. Her fashion advice helped me build a wardrobe and a shoe collection beyond my wildest dreams. She encouraged me to grow my hair and get my ears pierced. We went out shopping as girlfriends a few times and out to dinner on a day trip to a quaint little town in Central Florida called Mount Dora. She told me I was free to dress anytime while at home. My nails were kept polished, and I wore lipstick most every day. I confided in a dear female friend of ours (who is my scuba diving buddy) and she was totally cool with it. All in all, a CD’s dream!
I joined a CD/TG support group and she attended with me. Then COVID-19 hit, disrupting everybody’s plans. But it had no effect on my ability to be Kathryn at home daily. Like most women I know that were at home during the pandemic, my only nod to dressing was femme panties under my skinny jeans. And my hair got below my shoulders. The three of us – my wife, our friend, and I would sometimes get together for lunch and talk. Life continued to be good!
Then, on April 12th, the carriage turned back into a pumpkin. My wife and our friend were going to go out to lunch. My wife told me that “only REAL girls” are invited! I was shocked and thought she was making a joke. She proceeded to go off on me, saying she wanted her masculine husband back. She stared criticizing my jeans, my slippers, hair, earrings – you name it! I was crushed! I went into a deep depression and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that had followed me all of my life resurfaced! I sank into a dark place. Thoughts of purging, shutting down Kathryn altogether, and just general disgust. That evening, when she came back from her afternoon out, she apologized and said she never intended to hurt me. “Can’t we forget what happened today and go back to before?” she asked. How do you recover from that?
Since that time, I haven’t dressed at all, used no makeup and generally stayed in drab. Now, the very thought of dressing en femme is something I don’t think I can do without feeling like I have to look over my shoulder. I actually get a wave of something like nausea when I look at my cosmetic rack in our bathroom. It is a lousy place to be.
Any input would be appreciated, so feel free to respond.