I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.

What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.

A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.

I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness.  Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.

I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common.  Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.



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April (Pacific Princess)

I'm not transitioning at the present, but I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy with family. I started dressing again a little over a year ago, and I finally like who I am, although I'm not quite sure who that is yet. I only dress once a week or so, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and love going “all out” when I do. I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer (re-bloomer?), and I don't know where this journey is going, but I plan on enjoying the ride!

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What are your wife’s thoughts on you transitioning? My wife tolerates Glory but cringes at the thought of intimacy with her ‍♂️. That’s fair though as I would fell the same if she was dressed like a man she has no lesbian feelings (how easy would that make it). I guess it depends on where a persons relationship sits and if there is any sex or love left in the relationship and if they are open to being just friends or an open relationship. It’s hard because we build such bonds over such a long time with both our partners… Read more »

Bettylou Cox
Active Member

Your story touches a chord with many of us here. Like you, I could never pass as a GG if someone took a real look; I’m far too old to consider any medical procedures; and I don’t want to lose my family. Yet, I think daily about how nice it would be to be Bettylou full-time.
You shouldn’t call yourself a pretender, because you ARE April, whether or not it shows on the outside. So, take what you have and make the most of it…and be happy with it.

Amanda Burton

April, you must follow what your heart desires, one must be two that blends together in life. We can’t always look like a model, but must take a leaf from the female gender, and use and highlight what we have to work with. Those that truly love you as the person you are will travel the road with you,for love will bridge the gender change for they understand beneath the exterior is still the true person they love and loves them. Happiness is yours to seek, find and enjoy, however you choose to live, that’s your right, the road may… Read more »

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