So I’m a long time crossdresser who has decided to come out to his wife after 23 years of marriage.  So why now you might ask.  There are two reasons, the first being me going through a health scare which caused me to accept my mortality and the second being that I retired early and now have the time I never had to explore being Carole.  Prior to that Carole was only able to come out on a very sporadic basis.
As a result of my renewed desire to be Carole I have gotten a therapist and also have explored CDH to a much greater degree than when I joined a while back.  I have made some great friends for which one has become a closer friend than most of my male persona friends I have known in person for decades.  I am able to share who I am with her and she has been so great with her friendship, her ear to listen to me and her advice and counsel.  Other friends on CDH have been so kind and caring, the network is unbelievable! Then add the Chat feature where you can talk to so many girls that share their experiences, dreams and advice.  We even had an online bachelorette party for one of the girls one time! To all of my friends, whether I talk to you everyday or once in a while, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Lastly the articles and forums provide an unfathomable amount of information.  I never realized what was at my fingertips until I needed it  Thank you to all of those that make CDH what it is!
My fourth visit to my therapist is in a few days. Â I had gone to her for one visit a few years ago and told her it was all about work stress and that I needed her help but bailed on going to see her after my wife saw the remaining bill from our insurance company. Â So going back to her, she was ready to follow up on the stress conversation until a few minutes in I blurted out that I was a crossdresser. Â I remember thinking as she was talking to me, should I tell her or not tell her but I am so glad that I did. Through our conversations I have discovered a few things.
The first being that I have had deep feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed of my other which resulted in me being aggressive in other behaviors such as being more masculine, not showing my feelings, and being right in everything.  Being right meant that I would debate with my wife as I had to be right on any issue small or large. I now realize that it was my insecurities about who I was that caused me to over compensate.  This led to me writing an apology letter to her and to also do it in person.  I cried writing the note as I felt so bad but also because it was such a release of my feelings.  The second revelation is that I realized that I have been alone my whole life with regards to being Carole but that meant I could never share my whole self  with anyone  I had to hide and not let people know that feminine side of me.  The realization of the weight of carrying that secret of mine finally came to light.  It was immense once I reflected on its toll it had taken on me.
So that brings me to today. My plan is to tell my wife about me and about that other side of me in the next 45 or so days.  My therapist has been very helpful with helping me plan it out. Maybe not plan but more so to put some structure around it.  Everyone’s situation is different so you don’t know what the reaction will be. My normal type of person wants to follow a playbook that will lead to success.  That’s not me anymore though. Everything can’t be planned out.  I’m going to tell her, I owe her that much and then she can make the decision. The advice from those that have done it is the same…go slow, communicate and give her time. All of which is great advice!
I’m more scared than anytime in my whole life.  My life will change for sure and it could be changed quite dramatically. However, in the end, my hope is the value of the weight being off my back will offset the pain I will cause. When we’ve had “The Talk” and when that conversation is over, my hope is my wife and I will be in better places … hopefully together!
Wish me luck ☘️ Sincerely, Carole
- Have you had “The Talk” with your wife and how did it go?
- Did your wife have a pile of questions after you detailed your thrill of cross dressing dating back to when you were a young boy?
- When you had “The Talk” with your wife, did you tell her everything or hold back some information and if so, what didn’t you tell her?
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and please take a moment to leave a response to my article or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.
Thank you Carol for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Carol, you are in a similar situation to me. I have been married a long time and had not told my wife. My wife found out accidently several months ago – found a session I had on CDH. I had a lot of difficult explaining to do, but have gotten reluctant acceptance. Having the talk may be a better way to go.
Alice Black
Alice. Thanks for your kind note. So that’s why I’m telling her. The advice here is that it’s always better her hearing directly from you versus finding out. As much as sometimes I think I could hide Carole away I’ve learned as we all do that our girl self always comes back with a vengeance. I know I can’t put her away and my therapist has helped me realize that she’s not bad. Assuming I don’t chicken out I will send an update. Thanks again !
I have told my wife, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, she tells me thank god for Brianna, I had the same Male emotions, almost divorced over my aggressive behavior. The absolute scariest thing I’ve ever done, but it fixed our marriage and now we enjoy coffee, laughter, games, date night, dressing up on sundays, she bought herself new outfits to dress up with me. I now truly have 2 BFF’s in the same person.
Make sure you show how caring and sympathetic, understanding, Beautiful, and fun you can be.
Good luck,
Xx
Brianna
Brianna
omg…that is exactly the way I want it to go! Totally with you on hiding our girl side causes the aggressive attitude. I always have to be right and would argue over the smallest things. I pray each night that it will go your way as I’m scared. I don’t know if she has that in her. I guess we will see. I’m so happy that you shared your story as we all need to see the positive ones. There are so many negative ones that we need to balance out ! Thank you for your encouragement!
Carole, thank you for writing such a nice letter. I know how difficult it is to come out to your significant other. I was in the very same situation as you. I went ahead and told her because I didn’t want her to find out by accident. I wanted to be honest with her because she deserved that and I loved her very much. I knew it was something that had to be done and I was scared to death about what could possibly happen when I told her. It happened one night when we just got into bed for… Read more »
Danika i know how you feel. I’m trying to plan this all out and some days I just want to blurt it out. Maybe that will happen. I think it’s about being the right time and place so as much as I’m planning it I think that there could just be the right time. Its great that you and your wife worked it out. If what happens to you happens to me I will be a very happy girl. I don’t think so but I’m trying to be positive, im totally a shopper so if I would have been offered… Read more »
Tell your wife…
How to tell your wife
Roxanne. Did your cut off?
Carole Dear, Telling my wife was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself for 2 reasons. First, the obvious thing is I no longer have to hide everything and fear discovery. Second, she has been wonderful. It took her a while but she went from reluctant acceptance to asking me to dress and helping me with makeup and clothes in about a year. I didn’t tell her everything at first. I thought it would be overwhelming to drop everything on her in one big load. I showed her some photos of me dressed after which we talked and I… Read more »
Suzanne
Thanks for your note. What I hope to get out of doing this is what you have. I know if I’m lucky she will accept it but it will take time. I need to be patient for sure. Also I do think it could make us closer at least in my mind. I’m trying to prepare as much as I can as I love her and want to do it as well as I can. Thanks again for the note gf!
Best wishes to you !
I feel like I was a little manipulative but when I was dressed I was very attentive to her.
Hey Carol the best advice is take it slow, you will find once you’ve had the talk and feel like a million pounds have come off your shoulders, if your anything like me you will push the boundaries and it becomes all consuming, your spouse if anything like mine will feel like it’s being pushed in her face and will rebel, it will pass in time on her clock!.. girl it will feel like an eternity. Expect this process to take a couple of years, the wait will be worth it.. when she surprises you with a cute dress she… Read more »
Hey Janet
Your advice is one that seems to be pretty consistent. That is my plan and I know that I will have to rein myself in, My hope is that just the weight off me will feel better but following will be the urge to dress more. I would love to hear more on what that looked like. I know everyone is different but can I dress while she’s not around ? Do I wait a month. Do I ask her ? That’s some of the questions I have. Any advice would be appreciated on that topic!
hugs
Carole
Hi Carol, Lovely story ! I told my GF of 23 years last year, tears, terror and all I actually got was a gentle telling off for hiding it for so long !
The ‘over compensating’ fits me as I guess it fits lots of us.
If you do decide to tell, tell all – my gf accepts and I know she loves me, but I’m pretty sure she is never going to be happy about the clothes……
Syb
Syb
My hope is as exactly as what happened to you in that she accepts it. I’m trying to do everything I can to do it right !
thank you so much for your thoughts
Carole
In hindsight, I now see that my GF has had gay male friends in the past and like I, no religious beliefs I think this two things really should have given me the confidence to ‘fess – but the reality, for me at least, is I was still trying to ‘cure’ myself.
I think we have all gone the route to try and cure ourselves and found that it doesn’t work. Thanks again for sharing! Have a great week!
Tell your wifr
Hi Carole… send error! Same feelings and experiences as you… In the closete secrets will come out eventually… I knew they would… almost never at the right time!!! Being Roxie destresses and stressed me and the longer I hid the worse it got!!! We were on a path of divorce as the stress did not make me a nice person to live with… Which just increased the stress!! She found Roxie’s clothes and it all came out… I let her ask the questions and a lot was understood and accepted. The pain caused was the lie and the memories of… Read more »
Roxie
For much of what you said I need to tell her. I wanted to know do you want to transition? I don’t so my hope is that she won’t feel being married to a woman but still to a man that has another side to him that makes h8. A better person.
Hi Carole.
Thank you for sharing this and good look with it.
As others have said a lot of us have been in your situation. I was there with my ex wife. Long story but she was a nasty piece of work even before she knew.
If you ever want to talk then please feel free to contact me.
Take care snd hope to speak soon.
Steph x
Steph
Thank you for your well wishes and I would love to talk. Watch fir my pm to you!
carole