I have never told my wife I am a crossdresser, but this is the story of how I gradually came out to her. It’s a bit of a tale, with some ups and downs, and there is a bittersweet background to it. I have hesitated to post this but decided to do so before I start forgetting it myself, so if you are interested here goes …
You might have seen in my profile that I periodically crossdressed in secret over the years, but never told my wife. In recent years there were a few GLARING FLUORESCENT PINK FLAGS raised that she never seemed to notice—like using shiny nail hardener, buying myself a feminine shoulder bag, ditching socks in favour of knee-highs, and buying feminine slides for footwear around the house. I presented her with good “logical” reasons for all of those, so they just became accepted as normal.
In 2021, I mentioned that my underpants were wearing out and my favoured brand was no longer available, however, the nearest equivalent was panties so I might purchase those instead. Response: I’ll divorce you if you do that. Nevertheless, later in the year, I went ahead and started wearing them under trousers by day, but still wore underpants to bed. At some stage in 2021, I also started underdressing with suspender belt and stockings. Lots of surreptitious laundry activity during that period.
By mid-2022, I “arranged” for my wife to catch sight of me, initially in panties and later in stockings and suspenders. No reaction and it just became accepted as normal. So far, so good. So early 2023, spurred on by the thread of contributions to a CDH Forum topic, I thought “Let’s try keeping the panties on when I go to bed”. The result was: No reaction at all and it just became accepted as normal.
Back in 2022, my wife asked me to look on the internet for a skirt she was interested in; we found the skirt but after a good look her reaction to it was “no.” I casually said, “Well, if you are not interested maybe I could get it for me.” Response: I’ll divorce you if you do that. But near the beginning of 2023, the event came that caused an explosion of activity. My wife and I were in her favourite clothes shop, and while she was trying on a dress, I was outside the changing room area chatting with three of the sales staff. I commented, “Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you this, but last night I dreamt about trying on clothes here myself.” Now, that was actually quite true, but talk about light-the-blue touch paper…
One of the lovely sales staff was particularly keen with her encouragement (and I really mean keen,) so a couple of weeks later, I arranged to try on a skirt and top as my wife was also trying items on. I did tell my wife in advance, but I don’t think it sank in. When I was dressed, the sales assistant called my wife over to look. Reaction: shock, confusion, walked out of the shop (but came back after 2 or 3 minutes), period of stony silence. After we left the shop, we went through the not gay, not trans assurances and things settled down.
So, a couple of weeks later I ventured to buy a lady’s trousers and a blouse from the shop. My wife thought they looked good on me, and it just became accepted as normal. I wore the trousers and blouse around town with no trouble; during the spring, I extended it to a skirt and a couple of other tops, which I occasionally wore at home for short periods. Wearing the skirt at home initially upset my wife, so I changed out of it and tried again another day when the mood was good. In time her concerns diminished, and it became accepted as normal.
June was a lovely month in the UK, and one afternoon in mid-month, when we were about to go to a nearby town for a walk, I suggested that I should keep the skirt on. Reaction: why not? And from then on such outings became accepted as normal. And, step by step, over the summer and autumn, I added a jacket to match the trousers, a couple of dresses, more tops and skirts, and various styles of footwear. I was often fully dressed when going out shopping with my wife. When out and about, we interacted with all the people we used to meet in and around shops, and everyone was fully accepting of my crossdressing.
I hadn’t been particularly trying to pass as female. Make-up was limited to lipstick and a minimal (virtually invisible) application of concealer to smooth out the beard area. I didn’t try to feminise my voice, but my hair is quite long and maybe that helped to convey a feminine persona. In a nutshell, as far as my wife and the world are concerned, my crossdressing has just become accepted as normal. Whenever we go into shops where we are not known, my wife and I are often addressed as “ladies.” I even voted in local elections last week, fully dressed but showed my passport to the ladies managing the polling station (photo ID is required to vote in the UK now.) Their reaction was… nothing.
Does my crossdressing offend other customers to the detriment of the shop or cafe’s business? I asked a few of the managers of some of the places we frequent. I never received a negative response; some of the varied replies were: “If any of my customers ever give you any trouble just let me know and I will tell them to leave!” “But you’ve got a cracking pair of legs, it would be criminal to hide them.” “Of course not, but is it OK if I ask you about pronouns… how would you like to be addressed?”
Neither my wife nor any of the people we know are aware of my female name, Rebecca. To everyone, I am still Mr. [surname], or [first name]. Since I have no intention to transition, the answer to the pronouns was to just call me the same as before. I might be dressed differently, but apart from that everything is just normal. There are still limits to the extent to which I am out. In particular, no one else within the family currently knows. In time this may change to some extent.
How do I feel? Well: SURPRISED… because it has evolved in a far better way than I could have imagined. RELIEVED… that the relationship with my wife is, in the end, unaffected. EXHILARATED… that I can fairly freely choose what I wear day-to-day, be it in male or female clothing; however, I must admit that I often find myself planning to go out tomorrow as male but in the morning feel I would far rather dress female. On top of that, my wife often assists with or compliments me on the choice of clothes. PEACEFUL… because there is now no tension about crossdressing within my life. It all seems just so normal.
Yet, to some extent, there is also SADNESS and a certain amount of APPREHENSION because I believe part of the reason for my wife’s ready acceptance is that she is in the early stages of dementia. This causes occasional moments of confusion when she queries what is going on, where we live, or even who I am. Partly because of this I have kept carefully to just crossdressing and have not ventured into any significant makeup, jewelry, etc., as I don’t want to create the impression I am really trying to be a woman. I need to keep the focus purely on exploring and enjoying the wider variety of clothing.
Well, if you have managed to read this far you will have some idea of what a year of change this has been for me.
Thanks for reading.
PS: I still haven’t actually told my wife I am a crossdresser.
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@Rebecca Lewis Wow, your story is both exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. I am extremley happy about the acceptance you have recived. I am not so sure it would be that easy where I live. I guess I was lucky my late wife encouraged me into crossdressing not knowing I was already a crossdresser.
they just became accepted as normal. my crossdressing has just become accepted as normal. Thanks for your story, Rebecca. I can’t say yet that my wife has accepted my dressing as normal, yet, but I too am slowly expanding what I do and where I do it. This is easier to do now while wearing winter clothes, mind you. Some of the first times that I wore a bra with breast forms, during last summer, I am pretty sure that she didn’t even notice, certainly not outwardly. And she has never complained about me doing that. Other things, yes.… Read more »
@harriette It’s lovely to hear that you are able to take steps forward, even though like me they may be small ones at a time. Be sensitive to your wife’s level of acceptance and I am sure that will guide you on how quickly and how far you can progress. But my experience is that everyone I have encountered in the wider world is very accepting these days, especially if “dressed your age" and in a way that blends in, so there is nothing to be afraid of. I have just returned from the dentist where I have been going… Read more »
@Rebecca Lewis Well, I don’t know about her getting enjoyment out me dressing (She has been pretty cool, lately. Maybe she has been talking with someone she works with.), but we can hope, eh?
BTW, my dental checkup is a week away. I still don’t know how far I will go with dressing.
@harriette
Yes, there are ups and downs! Hope it all works out well for you.
BTW, my dental checkup is a week away. I still don’t know how far I will go with dressing. All done, and I found out how far that I was willing to go. I underdressed, as usual, with black stockings with only a slight chevron pattern (these need replacement, now), a bra without any form, and a nice checked shirt with long blue jeans in that deep indigo blue. I wore short black boots with block heels… and nobody paid any attention. There was nothing to see, in reality, and they had a job to do. I inserted my breast… Read more »
@harriette Awesome. Well done Harriette 👍 . By coincidence I also had a dental visit a few days ago. In my case I was fully underdressed (including T-shirt style underwire bra and, like you, without forms). I then had ladies trousers (dark blue) and a ladies fine wool long sleeve top (mid blue), plus black ankle boots with 2″ heels. In fact everything femme! I lay back in the dentist chair with my pubescent breasts clearly evident, but got no comments whatsoever from our lady dentist and her lady assistant. This follows a pattern I have used a few times… Read more »
Well, you have already taken things this far. They are prepped, you are itching to dress, so… why not?
@harriette
Well, Harriette,
I reckon it is all YOUR fault.
I blame it ALL on YOU.
If it hadn’t been for YOU this might never have happened.
You had to go and encourage me, didn’t you!
So this morning I did it 😀 . I wore a nice skirt and top to the hairdresser and nothing was actually said. BUT the (somewhat shy) assistant who washes my hair was much smilier and chattier that usual. So that is another step forward.
Thanks Harriette
All it took was a few words of encouragement, but you came through for yourself. That’s what CDH is all about. I am trying to live up to my own words, but it is tough. I am working on my limitations, too.
I didn’t expect the comment about nobody saying anything. If anything in a salon would generate conversation, unconventional dressing should be at the top of that list, don’t you think?
@Rebecca Lewis Just as an aside, I met my wife at night school while she was leaning how to cut hair. Ever since then, she has cut mine as her only customer. Some things last.
Hello Rebecca, you look stunning. I am happy for the acceptance. My ex did not accept me, its not the reason we are no longer together however it certainly didn’t help. Never be afraid of change
I enjoyed reading your story Rebecca. Like you my wife or family do not know that I’m a crossdresser. Maybe someday I’ll have the nerve to slowly indroduce Daphanie to my wife. I envy your courage.
Daphanie Allison
@donadress4me
Hi Daphanie, until a year or so ago I never thought I would be able to share this with my wife. But initial small steps which brought no reaction from her gave me the encouragement to push ahead, and having the added encouragement and support of the ladies in the dress shop made it easier for me to start acquiring a wardrobe.
If you find you are able to go down this path, be sensitive to your wife’s reaction to the gradual introduction to Daphanie. Let that guide how far and how fast to proceed.
Rebecca xxx
Rebecca that was a fantastic read and it also resonated a lot with me as my story – in the early days of my coming out to my wife was very similar. I started the visual change wearing sarongs around the house and garden but in early 2011 I told my wife I was a crossdresser. I was so nervous at the time but she was fantastic. She called me ‘Her sweet transvestite’ (From Rocky horror- one of her favourite movies). From then on she realised having a husband who ENJOYED going shopping with her for clothes and offering unbiased… Read more »
Thanks for your kind comments Ellie. It is lovely to hear that you have had a similar journey to me that has worked out very well for you and your wife.
Thank you for sharing your story Rebecca. It was wonderful. It was sad. It was real. I told my wife many years ago and she wasn’t thrilled. The usual concerns about gay or wanting to transition. We have a normal now. She finds my panties mixed in the laundry, she returns them to me, no questions asked. She sees heels lying in plajn site, no mention. I do sometimes fear this is the calm before the storm, before she asks for a divorce. But we two are getting older, wiser, and the years remaining of life seem less than when… Read more »
Thanks Lea, I hope everything continues to go well for you.
I too have concerns for the future especially as dementia plays havoc with memories and can result in rapid changes of emotions. But we take one day at a time and so far the ‘difficult’ moments have not been focussed on cross dressing.
Rebecca xxx
Hello Rebecca, I’m glad to read of your wife’s recent acceptance of your crossdressing. My story is similar. Throughout our fifty year marriage, I have kept my “hobby” well hidden, although there have been several “pink flags” as you so aptly put it. Upon retirement, I became bolder and started wearing her panties full time. When she found me doing so, I told her how comfortable they were and she suggested that I get some of my own. My breasts have developed due to gynecomastia, and I began wearing her old sport bras for some much needed support. Again, she… Read more »
@Monique LaFemme I’m so happy for you!😀 I think you should definitely consider adding to your wardrobe, slowly perhaps…
@Monique LaFemme I know just how happy and peaceful those steps must have left you feeling. I well understand being cautious about taking it further (at least at this stage) so the important thing is to enjoy the situation you have 😊 .
Thank you, Chanel. I am quite satisfied with my progress and can’t think of any further steps I would like to take at this time. Unless painting my toenails a pretty pink shade… 😀