Hello Ladies, at this time I refer to myself as Meili, or you can just call me Mei (May). I am 52 years old and my journey is complex as I am sure it has been for many others in my heels. My crossdressing began at 4 or 5 years of age and now 52. My journey recently lead me to a Local Crossdresser Support Group (LCSG) early December 2015. I am feeling more complete as a person then I ever have with the help of LCSG and my Wife who is very supportive.
I had been struggling with the existence of the urge to wear women’s clothing long before puberty. I managed to dress up completely as a young lady in my teens and 20s on a few occasions for Halloween, completely passing as female. The feelings at that time were completely desirable. I wanted to be this way but knew I would not know how to explain this to anyone, since I did not know what was wrong with me. I wasn’t gay, I loved women and found myself admiring women and women’s clothing. I recall going through the Montgomery Wards or Sears catalogs as each new issue was delivered and just looking at the women and admiring them, but as I think more clearly I was really looking at the clothing and picking or circling the ones l liked the most.
The net of it all is, just like most crossdressers, I just kept it in the closet because one, it was easier that way and two, I did not know what was wrong with me. I was married in my early 20s, raising my son and daughter who are wonderful children. The marriage lasted 22 years, and the divorce had nothing to do with my crossdressing and me ex-wife and I still get along very well. In those 22 years I would wear her clothing when I could get away with it. She silently knew and on one occasion dressed me up completely. This practice never went anywhere further than that, but I hoped it would. I didn’t want to make my desire of dressing up an issue. Besides, I didn’t know how to explain it or if there was something wrong with me.
After my divorce I was single for a few years. In that span I cross dressed, not very often, it felt this may a bit as sort a fetish, like maybe going through puberty. I really thought something was wrong, I felt dirty or maybe I was just fine and was actually gay, but not realizing how, as I was only attracted to women. As fate would have it, I met my 2 wife, who helped complete me with the help and understanding of LCSG. Maybe no one is totally complete. However in this past year my crossdressing became more apparent. My wife did not encourage it, but she did not discourage this either. I took what I could get away with, buying online garment by garment and introducing more of my feminine self-little by little. Then again, I started to get that feeling again, I felt dirty or maybe I was actually gay or maybe I was a transsexual and I didn’t know, I was totally confused.
What is Wrong with Me?
I had no clue what was going on inside me all these years, I wanted to know what the!#$@#$%#$ is wrong with me. Does this go against my Christian beliefs? I am totally happy with my male side, and I always knew I had feminine qualities. My feminine nature was also mentioned to me by others throughout my life. With recent struggle, I began to research what all this transgender stuff meant. So many viewpoints, big umbrella and every journey unique to the individual. The outcome depends on the support system and those who can help. In my research I found LCSG. This website depicted exactly who I was and what I needed to at least explore for my sanity. I did it. I wrote a short letter to LCSG. I was embarrassed, afraid to be found out but I clicked “send” and the email was off. I got a call from Barbara. I was not sure what to expect, but chatted for a short time. Barbra asked me some questions, and we agreed to meet up a week later, December 2015 when she was in Atlanta for the LCSG meetings. I remember driving to the restaurant. My stomach was knotted inside. I never met a crossdresser that I knew of or anyone transgender, and I was somewhat transphobic. We sat down for lunch. All I could do is look around for who was watching, if anyone could hear our conversation, etc. By the time our lunch ended, I knew she was more normal than I was in that Barbra was Barbra in her skin and I was full of issues.
Barbra invited me to the January 2016 LCSG meeting so I continued to do more research on crossdressing, I wanted to work on my appearance. I explained to my wife about this support group that I wanted to attend and see if this would be something that could help. In the 6 weeks leading up to the meeting, I practiced my makeup, making my wife cry because she laughed so hard because I looked like a clown at times. I bought clothes online that came in that did not fit and made my wife laugh even harder when I tried them on. I think in her sympathy she realized how hard I was trying so she bought me some proper makeup, proper clothes and 2 days leading up to my first LCSG she helped me buy some shoes and 2 dresses. Through this process of dressing up completely, I felt more whole. This was not a fetish, and more like the early stages of what I call going through the puberty stage while discovering your female self as done once before when going through puberty as a male. The idea of being a fetish or whatever you call it… all that goes away when you grow up and is not the emphasis of being female or male, it’s just being a crossdresser.
Sharing Crossdressing with My Wife
The time has come. I am headed to LCSG meeting with my wife. I got our hotel room, called Barbra and asked if she could come up to my room so I could introduce her to my wife, which she did. I asked Barbra if she could escort me to the LCSG suite and introduce me to the group and she did. My emotions have never been as extreme as they ever had. I am not even sure how to describe what I was feeling… fear, no going back, relief, regret, joy, freedom… I think every feeling one has. When I met the ladies there I felt totally at ease. After all, they were wearing dresses and I wasn’t, haha. They allowed me to ask some questions until I was comfortable with LCSG and what they represent. I went back to my room, then brought my wife down and introduced her to the group. She felt at ease as well.
The LCSG sisters asked if my wife and I wanted to go with them that evening to a comedy club. Well maybe. I wanted to get dressed up with my makeup and see if I was even presentable. I had never been out in public dressed up other than Halloween 20 years ago. I put on my dress; Christi helped with my makeup. There I was done… Cinderella. I went back to the suite and presented myself to the group as Meili. All the ladies were very pleasant and said I was ready to go out with them to the comedy club. But wait, even though I felt I looked good there came those feelings once again… fear, no going back, relief, regret, joy, freedom, fear of discrimination and more. The ladies encouraged me. My wife encouraged me and said relax, the other ladies are relaxed. Again I was the odd lady out of place, at least in my mind. We went to the club, I enjoyed myself, I felt safe with the group but I was never totally relaxed the whole time. When we returned to the hotel l went to the room. I recall I could not sleep the entire night. I just lied in bed tossing and turning. My emotions of the day must have triggered so much adrenaline my body could not sleep.
The next morning my wife helped me with my nails and hair. I then took her to work nearby, then returned to that hotel for my 1st LCSG group meeting. Amazingly, there were wives there and newcomers going through the same thing I was. At that point I came to realize I can be normal without all these feelings or emotions if I just accept who I am.
For me, this is not a transition. I call this transcendent to embrace the other part of my being who is feminine, who is Meili, which by the way, in Mandarin, means beautiful. Being able to be transcendent is beautiful, I can equally balance my male self with my female self and bridge both sides of my personality and identify with both. My body is male, I am male but I also recognized the need to allow my female qualities to represent themselves and this includes wearing women’s clothes. I embrace this acceptance of who I am, my female qualities are becoming more part of me when I represent myself as male more and more. In the past I recall trying to suppress any feminine tendencies if they surfaced for fear of being called gay or weak, which throughout my life probably made me more aggressive at times. But balancing both qualities makes me unique, more balanced and at piece with this gift. I imagine this is ok, God created us in God’s image; God is both Male and Female so there is nothing wrong with someone who is male with totally male qualities or female with totally female qualities. I just happen to identify myself as male with both male and female qualities.
Loving is accepting, I love my wife so much, I would not have transcended without her. I thank all the transgender people who for years have stayed the course of who they are regardless how they identify because they have made it easier for me and many others to understand and be themselves.
I watched the AFC Divisional Playoff Game with my nails were orange and blue for the Broncos colors. I watched the AFC Championship game as male, and for the Super Bowl wore makeup on only half of my face so I can watch as male and female, I am having fun with this