So, it’s the holidays… “Yahoo!” Or is it instead the feeling of, “I won’t have any time to dress.” Being who I am, and I expect, who you might be as well, when it’s been a while the need and desire to dress raises stress and when finally doing so it calms the inner anguish, at least until the regrets filter through for some of us. Our lives are like a never-ending game of “Truth or Dare.”
I have one foot out of the closet, and yes it has a nylon-clad leg and wears a black pump. I’m way out to all of you, I have my closet and drawers filled with clothing and accessories (all easy to find if one were to snoop.) It’s better than having it in hidden places that I have to wait for others to leave in order to retrieve to don my finest frillies. Even though I share a house with my father (mother recently passed,) he has no clue about this other side of me, and if possible, he’ll never know. Thus, I play the game of Truth or Dare. My feminine side is on display in many ways-my ongoing dare. All one would have to do is open a drawer, study the contents of my bathroom closer, or use the powers of observation to detect the slight feminine appearance that I maintain. The truth is that I would love to be out all the time to everyone, and then I also fear the consequence and live somewhere in between. It changes by the moment. The best I can say is, “if it happens, I’ll deal with it then.”
This life has brought me much more good than it has bad. I won’t say it was always that way, but it is now, especially after (not just accepting) but realizing that Brina is not a separate half of me but a vital part of me. The anxiety, shame, confusion, hatred, wondering, and fear of her throughout my life became mere timeline points as the calm, clarity, appreciation, empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness, willingness, well-being, and so many other traits that my feminine side has brought out in me has shown. I still exhibit the masculine traits that are most beneficial to my complicated life, but they are seen many times through a feminine perspective.
“I wish” is a phrase that I’ve used many times, as I’m certain you have, too. Just as it is with aging and our retrospective thoughts on what I wish I’d done differently when younger, being a crossdresser has its share of wishes as well. (Maybe another article down the road.) Today, I reflect on those situations that were so evident of a good Truth or Dare game, even if I was the only participant.
My high school girlfriend wore a strapless, elegant white prom dress with 4” matching white heels, and for a surprise, white nylons held up with a garter belt (The dress went below her knees.) The truth, my continued compliments on how beautiful she looked were also edged with a strong desire to be the one wearing it. I couldn’t understand it then, I do now. The dare was sneaking into the bathroom where it hung and (almost) trying it on.
I once sat at a table with mixed company (many drinks) and listened to the conversation turn rowdy. One guy asked a girl if she’d ever kissed another girl. Her response was, “Have you kissed a boy, do you want to?” Should I have been the one pinned by the question, the truth might have been seen on my face. I might be fairly straight, but I won’t lie and say the thought, when fully dressed, hasn’t crossed my mind or happened in my dreams. I’ve yet to take the dare.
The outfits that I helped to buy my ex-wife were in fact a truth of what I would buy my female self. I didn’t realize this until years went by and those outfits were rarely worn and given away by her. They weren’t her style. It’s a shame, because everyone she tried on looked amazing on her, as did the higher heel that she didn’t like to wear. How many of those outfits have I bought for myself, too many to count or even remember. This does bring up a notion that we dress as we would if we could date ourselves—the all-female version of us. The truth is that we are enamored by the ideal female diva we wished we were. This ideal woman is who I compare all others to. The dare is to pursue that vision to the best of my ability or through transition. I admit that my vision has changed over my life as the sexy stripper look is now the provocative, mature office gal.
I manufactured reasons so that I could find opportunities to dress. “You take the kids and go spend the weekend with your parents. I’m going to watch football with the guys and work on house projects.” The truth was my need to calm away my building anxiety coupled with actually doing the projects—dressed in lingerie and heels (this was before I went all-in). The dare was not closing the curtains or believing that she might ask my (alibi) friends how our day went. It was also doing more than enough to convince her that I held to my (slight-truth). The day of anxiety relief was quickly squashed by the guilt and need to create a believable outcome. You might suggest that it really is more of a Lie and Dare than it is Truth or Dare. But isn’t it only a lie if you get caught? This secret is something that we only tell ourselves. Others might comment that omissions might also be considered lies. I’ll let you debate it.
The last 9 years have been an equal part truth and dare. My truth is that I am a full into it crossdresser and probably more. The dare is to let that part of me that is more show itself. No one seems to notice the thinner eyebrows or that my arms and torso aren’t as hairy as they used to be. They don’t care that my walk is more refined and could be called feminine. No one checks to see if my legs are shaved during the cold months or comment on the lingering smell of perfume, flowered body wash and shampoo I regularly use. Never have I gotten a comment on my female jeans that show off my booty or the wild socks that I like to wear, the neater nails and softer skin from my continual use of body lotion, face crème, and hand lotion. I am careful around my daughters as they (and females in general) are more observant of the things that I described. The ultimate dare is in how far do I go, and why? (Another article someday)
The truth is that we can not rid ourselves of what is really a part of us. We can deny it, fight it, hide from it, curse it, and sometimes go years believing we beat it…only to have it poke us at the strangest moments. And in this truth, “What is wrong with being a crossdresser?” Our answers are individualistic and personal. Those of us who embrace the dares now know that the real question is “Why is it so amazing to be a crossdresser?”
I can’t see a future that doesn’t have me in a dress and heels, nor do I want it to be. I’m as hooked on the pursuit and path of my own femininity as I am in seeing it portrayed stylishly on other crossdressers, cis women, and those in transition. And should life counter me with a dare that I can back out of, I will face it because the woman inside is strong and far from silent and afraid.
I mean it when I say, “Show kindness to others and above all to yourself.” When you chose to see value instead of deficiencies, you’ll see what is ultimately the better you. It can only happen when you allow yourself to accept all of you.
Until next time…
Thanks again, Brina, for another great article. Sometimes it gets hard for me to believe that many that have been here for so long are not further out than they are. BUT I look back on my last year and a half and if I didn’t have one thing I would still be pretty much in the closet, never going out of the house more than a block before 5 am. See I have an X who when she found out first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids and then threatened to tell my 4 brothers.… Read more »
Great comments, Cassie! Even here in Podunk Iowa, we manage to have a few rainbows…lol. To each their own and in their own time and way is important. I believe we are our worst fear generators and many times the expectations are milder than anticipated. Thank you for sharing and the compliment 🙂 From a Hawk to a Clone “Good luck in the bowl game and on the hardwood!"
As always, another excellent and thought provoking article! In my case of Truth or Dare, I’ve pushed limits and boundaries trying to get my wife to ask me the question….do you like to wear women’s clothes? I wear leggings now every day in the winter when I’m home (and I have at least 5 different colors, so she knows I have several pairs). I have 3 pairs of women’s slip on shoes that she knows are women’s shoes with one pair we bought together and another tie dye pair that I bought them for her also (the pic on my… Read more »
Thanks for the smiles 🙂 I can relate…my drawers overflow and I’ve run out of hangers… I wear leggings as my long underwear and have for years. My daughter once sold LuLaRoe and I said, “I’ll take 3 of your ugliest that no one else will buy." I think you make a strong point about relationships. It sounds (as I interpret your comments) that your wife is aware and tolerant but not ready yet to have “The talk." This is common as we want to bring out our truth by displaying our dare. My guess is she might know more… Read more »
Thanks Brina, AND OH MY GOD! This morning, under the tree, she bought us matching LADIES PJ’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The Grinch PJ’s!) I almost came out of my skin, but (I think) I somehow managed to hold it together.
Does she really know more than I think she knows?!?
Just keep looking for the signs and you’ll be able to tell. She might be only dipping her toes in the water, but at least she’s thinking. Great gift! 🙂
Why it’s important to read n article to the end! At 66, I have finally accepted myself…both sides of me. It’s amazing that we all share so many attributes, so many similarities
Not just us but so many others as well who haven’t even made the connection yet as they struggle to find their way. My hope is they don’t need to wait 40 plus years like a lot of us had to. Thank you for the comments. 🙂
Brina, Thank you for sharing and helping me know I am not alone in these thoughts and desires. Merry Christmas
Jennie, so very far from alone 🙂 I think the government in every nation should give a state or district to those who don’t conform to outdated verbiage. Wouldn’t they be surprised at what we could accomplish? Merry Christmas to you, too 🙂
Hi Brina!
Thanks for this article. I have found that since I have embraced my feminine side that I have become much more empathetic and sympathetic towards other people. My male indoctrination as a child wasn’t so kind to others.
I have a question….. using the logic that it is only a lie if you get caught….. does that mean it isn’t armed bank robbery unless you get caught??? LOL
Merry Christmas!
Hugs
Autumn
As Aristotle might say, “If a=b and b=c then a must also = c. We know better as crossdressers that nothing is logical…lol. In the same regard, if we lie to ourselves and omit the truth to others do two negatives equal a positive??? Thanks for chiming in 🙂
Autumn, that reminds me of one of my favorite misquotes. You are innocent until proven guilty, it should be ‘in the eyes of the law you are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law’. So those of us who lie by omission are still guilty, but we justify it in our minds. BUT is it still lying if we don’t tell co-workers and other we meet weekly if they are not in ‘need to know’ place ?
. . Cassie
Sabrina
what a wonderful post it was like reading a story about my life and journey,really puts perspective to our feelings and actions.
Thank you
Ashlee
Thank you as well for the gracious compliments 🙂
Thank you Brina I lived the truth and dears along time and still do. I came out to my wife about ten years ago we are coming up on forty years soon. It seams like this girl in me want’s out. Over the last few years I have told most of my family and last night Christmas eve I let the rest of my family see the real me. My older bother wants to have a coming out party for me he was real nice and understanding . Every time I let some one in I feel free of fair… Read more »
That’s great to hear, Bobbi 🙂
What a wonderful article! I could relate to almost all of it. Been there done that.
Thanks, Lacy 🙂
Thank you so much Briana.Your article touched me personally in so many ways. We are all so different, but I find we all go through some of the same experiences. I so love this part of my life and I wish I could just be me. The anxiety is palpable when I can’t after a period and look for any excuse. Thank you for putting this on paper!
You are welcome, Barbara and thanks for the comments 🙂
Nice article. Yes, I also find time to dress even if its in the dead of night. Aurora B
Thank you for the compliment 🙂