I love the line from John Lennon’s song, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans,” as it is so true. Not only for me but for everyone I’ve ever known. We are so busy saying after we finish this, then I’ll be able to do “That!” Although, there are so many times when something else comes up and the so badly longed for “That” gets left on the back burner once again.
Until one day the reality of, in all of its harshness, comes crashing down upon us. Whatever that reality is for you; your job, your home, or something else, but for most I think it’s a close taste of our mortality, either ours or someone else’s. You start to question all of that time you’ve spent doing things that aren’t your reality but someone else’s.
True! We as adults, and perhaps as grown men who are the nucleus of a family, even now in the 21st century, are still the support that allows so many others around us to thrive. It isn’t easy to split from that and give ourselves time for something as unconventional and that which perhaps is considered unacceptable, dressing in women’s clothes.
In my case, this has been a very difficult year in contemplation of things in my mortal realm. Friends have passed, relatives too, and one cousin, who was particularly dear to me, has gone on to another life. How you feel about that doesn’t really matter, if you believe—fine, if not, that’s fine, too. But certainly, these folks have passed from this mortal place along with their unfulfilled hopes and dreams.
About a week ago, and before this latest passing of my dear sweet cousin, I was on a long drive to bid someone else a final goodbye when I read a large sign along the roadside near a farm. It said, “Don’t Trade Approval for Authenticity!” Hand painted onto wood, somewhat crudely, too in large letters. It simply was there, not to pretty the landscape as some might do, but to pass on its message and big enough that it was difficult to miss.
What an interesting thing to put out in front of one’s farm. It had me wondering about who put it up and why. What did it mean? I suppose I could have gone in and talked to someone about it, but I was on a mission and did not have time. To go to all that trouble to put up a sign like that must have meant a lot to the person doing so, even though it was not a piece of art, it still required time and determination.
Like so many other things, one’s imagination might be the best thing. This, as I pondered that message during the long service, one befitting that lovely lady who was able to live a very long and fruitful life, which certainly not all of us are gifted with. For that message is clear, if being honest with yourself, and not only to yourself, but with the world.
Oh, Dear, I can hear all of the objections now! Wife, family, kids, parents, employers, etc., and each one is a good reason. We need our families and our jobs to make many of the other things happen. Truth to tell, I was one of those who remained hidden totally for most of my life; who am I you might ask to be saying this?
Just someone who has stopped hiding so much of myself from the world and has embraced my feminine side a little better. I’m sure most of us here have questioned this, and I feel to be one of the lucky ones who’ve found their answer; knowing what you are, what you are meant to be.
Even though it was only a few years ago, I finally made peace with my feminine side, due in no small part to people right here on this website, but I still have thoughts questioning just who or what I am. My gender-fluid nature is often a puzzle to me, except this is what I am, and like other things in life I just cannot change my stripes. Nor do I want to!
I feel so comfortable as Amy going out to shop and socializing with others, that at times I can hardly imagine being anyone else! Then the next day I’m quite happy to be male me! Indeed, there are some things that I can’t imagine myself doing in any other way!
However, I still think that the message on that sign is clear. We should start with being honest with ourselves and try to find the best way to live it, even in some small way.
Are you still totally closeted?
Have you ever gone out dressed?
Do you have a CD or Trans social network?
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It is a fine line for any one to cross to be their authentic self when life has its obligations to fulfill. So many considerations to take into account, marriage, work, friends and so on, all of which are essentials to the wellbeing of not only you but the family you are in. Approval in some form has to come as not to rock the boat or cause it to sink completely. Self approval is fine as you have established this is part of who you are then comes how you will integrate into your life then find the best… Read more »
Thank you Angela, and yes I’ve found a great deal of approval as I started to explore to big bad world outside of my closet. Though big and bad things might be at times, I’ve found a huge degree of acceptance including the staff at that day.
It is true there is a fine line to dance around, but I think the really complicated part is that it isn’t simply a line in the sand, but like a line of surf which is always moving around to one extent or another.
Amy
Thank you Amy for the lovely thoughtful article!
Hugs,
Jules
You are very welcome Julie!
Thank you for a very thought-provoking article. I feel the sign means to be yourself and not what others want you to be. Which is all well and fine, as long as that self is open and giving to others. It does not mean to be so authentic to yourself that you ignore all others and just focus on your selfish self. We have others in our lives that are just as, or even more important than ourselves. I would gladly lie down my life for my wife and children. They are far more important to me than myself. But,… Read more »
I think that’s the point, finding that balance between all those conflicts in one’s life, and certainly it’s easier for some people. It sounds like you’ve had a great life!
My adult children are a big joy in my life too, without them my life would be much poorer.
Amy
Amy –
Thank you for your article. It is something to think about. I denied this part of myself my whole life and finally came out to my wife a few years ago. Since that time I have embraced my feminine side though I still keep it hidden from the world. Just being able to share it with my wife and in therapy is freeing. I have no idea what the future holds but can move forward being able to accept myself for who I am.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thanks Suzanne, as people we do need to share ourselves, so I’m glad you have been able to that.
Amy
Thanks for the wonderful article. Yes, I do get out as my true self. I’ve even started going to the doctor as Tina. Most, if not all, people are very nice and respectful and treat me as they would anyone else. Sad to say, I do not have a social network, so I am on my own in that regard.
Tina
Thank you Tina! Being out on your own without a network takes a great deal of courage, and I’m glad to hear you are doing it well.
Amy
I started going out in my neighborhood and in public more than a decade ago. About the same time, I started coming out to some family members, friends and colleagues. The process has been ongoing and rewarding, except for one instance. My then-wife was sympathetic but not interested in being married to a transgender partner. So, we both moved on. I am free and happy to live on my own terms and true to myself.
Kim, that must have been a difficult period for you, but it seems as though you are now a happier person.
I’m glad you found the courage to be completely yourself.
Amy
It was hard for a while. I think I was initially in denial about the end of the relationship. I even grew a denial beard! But within 18 months, I realized that this remained an important part of my identity, and I started coming out.
Amy, I am just beginning to come to terms with my femininity after many decades of. Thanks for your article. Every morning now at home I put on my pretty underclothes, earrings, necklace, rings and just recently my SO is okay with it, thankful that I am happier now. Dee
Thank you very much Dee! It does take time, but hopefully you are on your way.
Amy, great photo btw! Dee
Thanks! Taken at a local Starbucks, and that was the first time I’d worn that dress out anywhere because it shows my male biceps and shoulders so much. I certainly got a few double takes, but everyone was fabulous.