I’m sitting here as I try to type, staring a bit at the screen, then down at myself and what I’m wearing. I’m dressed in drab – again, and I’m trying to get up the energy to dress, but I doubt I’ll be anymore successful than I have the past couple of weeks. I’m kind of in a funk, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting out of it. All of which has me thinking a lot about desire lately, and what it is about desire that makes life more exciting, and just more worth living. Have you ever wanted to want something? Like you knew that life was better when you really desired it, irrespective of whether you actually achieved what you desired?

I have been thinking a lot about the waxing and waning of my desire to crossdress, especially since as of late I have been deep into the “waning” phase. Because I have been working 50 – 60 hour weeks for a bit now I just don’t seem to have the energy or the desire to dress, or even to express my feminine self, as I usually do. And I have noticed that it tends to make me a bit melancholy, as if something important is missing from my life. It’s actually kind of ironic to find out that something that has been the root of so many problems in my life, turns out also to be something that is vital to my well being. Who knew that simply wanting to dress and feel feminine was something I needed to be happy? Not even the actual dressing, but just the wanting, the desire to be my female self, if only briefly?

In some ways it makes absolutely no sense.

At one time I thought that if I just didn’t have this desire that life would be so much easier; so much better. But when I actually lose the desire to dress I find that I am not happier, I just feel less complete somehow, less fulfilled. I wonder if others have had this experience, and how they coped with it. I know that eventually the desire to bring April out will return, it always does; but in the meantime, waiting for it to come back can be a long frustrating ordeal. Knowing that I have been my happiest when my crossdressing urges were their greatest (and I was actually able to fulfill those urges, at least occasionally) can be a source of frustration when the desire is not there. I have been through this a couple of times since I started dressing again, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it can still be a rather frustrating period of time.

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I’ve been alone for two weeks now, because my wife has been out of town taking care of a family emergency, and I have had many opportunities to dress, but other than wearing my lacy robe some nights, I’ve really only dressed once, and then I just stayed home and did chores. First time I’ve dressed and not gone out. It was OK, but I felt a bit like I was going through the motions, not what I was hoping for. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t dressed since.

I may yet put on that lacy robe, but I’m just not really feeling it. I type away and wish fervently that the desire to be April will return sooner rather than later. I hope it’s much like they say about writing: if you don’t feel it write something anyway, eventually inspiration will come. So I keep going to the chat room, the forums and reading all the wonderful articles on the home page in hopes that something will spark the desire again. One thing I truly love about the internet is that I can still connect with the friends I have made here. And because it’s not visual I don’t need to be “on” all the time.

If I just keep my spirits up and remember that all of my life is worth living, not just when I’m April, I think that eventually the desire will come back all on it’s own; but in the meantime I’ll just keep plugging away in guy mode, and hoping against hope that some shoe sale somewhere will light that spark which will finally get me back on track.


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April (Pacific Princess)

I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy raising my family. I started dressing again a few years ago, and at times I feel TG, and other times, simply someone who likes to crossdress. I finally like who I am though, and I am moving closer and closer to who I want to be, but I'm not quite sure who that is yet. My feelings go back and forth over time, yet I'm finally at peace with who I am and can't wait to keep moving forward.

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Laura Cathy
5 years ago

I feel the same way. You expressed the feelings very well. Mysterious and fun and t kind of unsettling as well.

Dame Veronica Graunwolf
Active Member

Hi April…….love your article here. You remind me of the late singer…Peggy Lee and her song…..is that all there is.! Very melencoly tune about dis-satisfaction in her life. She is looking for something but doesn’t know what. I don’t know you that well but may I suggest a few things to you? To quote Hannibal Lector in the Silence of the Lambs……….Clarrisse….what is it that we covet??? The answer is…..that which we see. I think that maybe you are in a rut…a middle-age funk as it were. You have been living your life, doing what you do, but as you… Read more »

Emily Kann
4 years ago

I know how you feel! I hope you feel better soon and get to hang out with April soon. Working 60hrs a week just drained you in ways I can explain/

Caitlin Priest
4 years ago

Hello April, Hang in there. The desire will return – it always does. I, as a matter of fact, am currently coming out of one of the longest funks that I can remember ever being in. It started around the first of November last year. I dressed only twice since then. Many times, I would find myself in a store on my day off perusing the ladies section, and “just not feeling it". I would tell myself, “Okay, you’re not feeling it. You don’t NEED to spend any money today. Just move along. The urge will return. It’s just not… Read more »

Dawn Judson
Active Member
2 years ago

Nailed it, April.

Clarissa Cross
Active Member
2 years ago

I think everyone of us have this mood now and then, personally getting dressed is great reliever of stress, but when im physically exhausted I do not have the energy to do it for just a few hours so then I just continue in my male mode. Same if there are some disagreement between my GF and I then the urge to dress also disappear. Just relax the urge will return otherwise just do it, sometimesjust dressing wether you feel for it or not can boost the urge, not every genetic woman feel happy putting on their makeup everyday.

Holly Marie
Trusted Member
7 days ago

Only just seen this one – and afer five years??? That’s the way it works!!! This is a very inciteful article – and I am sure that many of the sisters out there will be fully aware of the pressures that you have been feeling… I’m fully aware of the up and down nature of the feelings involved; I tend to find that the feelings come in after a much shorter period, but that’s how it goes. I think that the big point here is that those feelings don’t go away: no matter what, we are still (“Judy O’Grady or… Read more »

Anna Redhead
Trusted Member
7 days ago

Possibly because I’ve spent over 20 years suppressing Anna, now I have the space to have Anna time, I don’t need to make myself want to dress, I really do want to.

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