I’m sitting here as I try to type, staring a bit at the screen, then down at myself and what I’m wearing. I’m dressed in drab – again, and I’m trying to get up the energy to dress, but I doubt I’ll be anymore successful than I have the past couple of weeks. I’m kind of in a funk, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting out of it. All of which has me thinking a lot about desire lately, and what it is about desire that makes life more exciting, and just more worth living. Have you ever wanted to want something? Like you knew that life was better when you really desired it, irrespective of whether you actually achieved what you desired?

I have been thinking a lot about the waxing and waning of my desire to crossdress, especially since as of late I have been deep into the “waning” phase. Because I have been working 50 – 60 hour weeks for a bit now I just don’t seem to have the energy or the desire to dress, or even to express my feminine self, as I usually do. And I have noticed that it tends to make me a bit melancholy, as if something important is missing from my life. It’s actually kind of ironic to find out that something that has been the root of so many problems in my life, turns out also to be something that is vital to my well being. Who knew that simply wanting to dress and feel feminine was something I needed to be happy? Not even the actual dressing, but just the wanting, the desire to be my female self, if only briefly?

In some ways it makes absolutely no sense.

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At one time I thought that if I just didn’t have this desire that life would be so much easier; so much better. But when I actually lose the desire to dress I find that I am not happier, I just feel less complete somehow, less fulfilled. I wonder if others have had this experience, and how they coped with it. I know that eventually the desire to bring April out will return, it always does; but in the meantime, waiting for it to come back can be a long frustrating ordeal. Knowing that I have been my happiest when my crossdressing urges were their greatest (and I was actually able to fulfill those urges, at least occasionally) can be a source of frustration when the desire is not there. I have been through this a couple of times since I started dressing again, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it can still be a rather frustrating period of time.

I’ve been alone for two weeks now, because my wife has been out of town taking care of a family emergency, and I have had many opportunities to dress, but other than wearing my lacy robe some nights, I’ve really only dressed once, and then I just stayed home and did chores. First time I’ve dressed and not gone out. It was OK, but I felt a bit like I was going through the motions, not what I was hoping for. That was 10 days ago and I haven’t dressed since.

I may yet put on that lacy robe, but I’m just not really feeling it. I type away and wish fervently that the desire to be April will return sooner rather than later. I hope it’s much like they say about writing: if you don’t feel it write something anyway, eventually inspiration will come. So I keep going to the chat room, the forums and reading all the wonderful articles on the home page in hopes that something will spark the desire again. One thing I truly love about the internet is that I can still connect with the friends I have made here. And because it’s not visual I don’t need to be “on” all the time.

If I just keep my spirits up and remember that all of my life is worth living, not just when I’m April, I think that eventually the desire will come back all on it’s own; but in the meantime I’ll just keep plugging away in guy mode, and hoping against hope that some shoe sale somewhere will light that spark which will finally get me back on track.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, but took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy with family. I started dressing again a little over a year ago, and I finally like who I am. I only dress when the urge is there, which may be several days a week, or not for two months. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and love going “all out” when I do. I guess I'm kind of a late bloomer (re-bloomer?), and I don't know where this journey is going exactly, but for now crossdressing and not transitioning seems to be where I am most comfortable!

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46 Comments
  1. Laura Cathy 10 months ago

    I feel the same way. You expressed the feelings very well. Mysterious and fun and t kind of unsettling as well.

    • Author

      Ahhhhhhhh………..crossdressing is for me is part of the ebb and flow of my life. Sometimes the desires are strong and sometimes almost non-existent. Over the past few years I have learned to go with the flow, more or less. Now when the urges are there I act upon them, and when they are gone, I just enjoy my male self. Not always ideal, but it seems to work. I have been through over a month without dressing and I can feel the urges coming back again very strongly. So soon……….

  2. Hi April…….love your article here. You remind me of the late singer…Peggy Lee and her song…..is that all there is.! Very melencoly tune about dis-satisfaction in her life. She is looking for something but doesn’t know what.

    I don’t know you that well but may I suggest a few things to you? To quote Hannibal Lector in the Silence of the Lambs……….Clarrisse….what is it that we covet??? The answer is…..that which we see. I think that maybe you are in a rut…a middle-age funk as it were. You have been living your life, doing what you do, but as you look around….you see things happening and going on that look like a much better and more fun time than what you have had so far and looking like it is going to continue for the rest of your days. Those lovely young girls able to laugh and cavort about the dance floors with wild abandon. Come and go as they like. You seldon see males vividly expressing themselves, except in a battle at war. I have watched them for 3 years in Vietnam…..so alive…when allowed to turn into savages….taking unbelievable risks, getting high and drunk as skunks……when not under fire they mope around bored as hell and you see the smiles when I walk up to them…….well boys….where going into Indian Territory again…(US Cavalry)…saddle up………yes….when we return to base camp…some of them will be in body bags…such is fate, and it starts all over again.

    You need to go somewhere in a field or upon a high hill and sit for quite awhile, listening to the wind in the grass and the trees…silence yet sounds are there that you seldom hear. Let your mind drift and think about what you would really rather be doing other than nose to the grindstone, shoulder to the wheel. Do you want to roam….see new sights and places and do different things other than worry about mortgage, car payments, kid teeth and so on? Let your mind go to things that made you happy once….look into your soul and see if anything new or a direction pops up. Go with the flow….perhaps a vision of what you should do with the rest of your life may come to you. It did for me. Dare to Dream a Dream….like Martin Luther King….I had a Dream……

    I sense that cross dressing is not that strong within you…..but a momentary escape from your current life….let it be…….explore your feelings in both worlds…..the Truth is Out There……..Seek and ye shall find.

    My very best thoughts towards you…my Pacific Princess

    Hugs from………your Grand High Priestess of the Great North Woods

    Dame Veronica

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