With my heart pounding, I did the quick calculations to see if I had time after my shower. Could I get to my secret shoebox, find panties, slip them on and get dressed for work before someone walked in? This was the process almost every day. Sometimes I made it, other days something came up and it felt too risky. On those days I always told myself it was no big deal that I wasn’t underdressed – this is just something that’s a little extra fun! It doesn’t mean anything other than a little naughty thrill. Right? So why on those days did I feel if not sadness, a certain emptiness or void, like a part of me was closed in that box I had so carefully stashed away? Maybe because it was.
Over the years I’ve learned how many girls share elements of my story. Started as an early teen, access to an older sister’s underwear and clothes, an element of sexual thrill…..on and on. As an adult, packing panties and lingerie for business trips, secret nights alone in the hotel while traveling, picking up something here and there while shopping, rescuing panties that my wife was casting off, and finding places to hide my things. Oh – and many purges, driven by guilt and shame. I did tell my wife along the way about wearing feminine clothing and she was cautiously supportive, but not very interested. Of course, I tempered my revelation with all of the usual bromides: it’s a texture thing, they just feel nice, it’s a fun little harmless thrill…..blah blah blah. While I genuinely didn’t understand at the time, at my core I knew there was more to it. Looking back, I know she did too.
I’m an introspective person who is never satisfied with “that’s the way it is.” Eventually I had to ask myself where this all came from. Hard questions with unknown answers are scary, particularly when you’re examining yourself as a person and what you think you know. Every now and then I would read something, see something, think of something, or ask myself a question….and click. One more tumbler in the lock would fall.
Why was I so attracted to something that made me feel so awful at times? After marrying my wife, the questions intensified, as did the guilt. I was beyond attracted to her and our sex life was amazing. So, it couldn’t be that I was needing to replace something. Was it a simple fetish? Eventually I had to answer no, because the overt sexual connection was no longer there (one wasn’t necessary for the other). Of course, I still loved how I looked and felt, but that wasn’t the only reason.
No. The answer was at the same time simpler yet infinitely more complicated. It was a part of me. It was part of who I was. It was the need to express something at my core, so personally and fundamentally about me that closing it off was causing stress and making me unhappy. I could no more move away from dressing permanently than I could change my blood type or genetics.
One night recently, as my wife and I were together, I remember being just blissfully happy. As I was taking in everything about her and our connection, I was trying to capture as much of her in my mind as I could. Her soft skin, hair, perfume, painted nails, makeup; her clothes and lingerie falling perfectly on her body. The soft caress on her skin and what it all must feel like to her. I told her how I could never get enough of her and in my mind, I remember thinking something that I didn’t know how to express – I couldn’t get physically close enough to her as I felt I needed and wanted to be. I felt a draw and desire that could be described only as essentially needing to be her….to be in her place and in some way experience what she was feeling.
Click. The last tumbler fell and the lock opened.
In a flash I understood! It was Nicole. Her hands were pressed against my heart, letting me know what my feelings meant. She needed to be out. She needed to have her own expression and sense of being; a separate sense of self while remaining an integral part of me. It was as if she and I had our faces and palms pressed to glass, looking at each other with relieved smiles. Suddenly it all made sense.
As I read more and more, I began to understand the concept of self and how it could be – and almost always was – far more complex than the simple “one or the other” mantra that we’re told to accept literally from day one. But why? We all understand and accept, even encourage putting on different hats as we go through life. I’m usually a different person at work than at home. I was a different parent of babies than I am as a parent of older kids. I interact with siblings differently from friends. When I was in the military, I certainly had a different approach that I had to mindfully step out of when at home. We all understand this, but the idea of embracing a feminine self still remains so taboo as to be nearly impossible to address. Spending an evening dressed and relaxing on the couch is wrong? Why?
But I don’t accept that because there is no good answer. Here I am. I’m Nicole and Nicole is me. I have chosen to take the power for myself and my life. I’ve progressed to the point where my panties are in a drawer with my other things. I have a few other things as well.
My wife and I have a wonderful intimate connection and are open to exploration, so she’s seen me dressed (yes, I was terrified😊). We very recently had a conversation in which I told her that I wanted to explore dressing more fully. Because she’s the most wonderful and loving person on earth, she smiled and said “Yeah, I kind of figured. Let’s talk and read up to learn more.” I don’t for a second take for granted how lucky I am. That doesn’t mean the road will be easy or smooth from here on in. It’s a huge change for both of us and above all else, I’ll be sensitive to the woman who is giving me the space to discover and embrace my feminine side.
I haven’t even fully met Nicole yet, if you think about it. To me she is like the close family member or friend who lives some distance away. I don’t see her often but we know everything about each other, and I know that we’ll pick up right where we left off as we continue to grow together. I know how important she is as part of my life and how important I am as part of hers. For too long I didn’t understand enough to realize how she could fit into my life – and how critical it was that we figure out a way to do so. Rather than regretting time lost, I’m focusing on making now and tomorrow count. And it’s a wonderful feeling!
Please feel free to take the time to respond to my article or reply to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- How accepting is your wife in regards to you being able to explore your feminine side?
- Are their current limitations your wife puts on your ability to cross dress either in private or public?
- Have you finally reached the point in your cross dressing life where your feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment are totally gone and you are in complete peace with continuing to explore the feminine side of you?
Love to all,