I’m one of those who likes word play or is it a play on words? The wonderful double meaning, secret message, or even the humorous slam that passes by most who read it. I know I double up as the Managing editor for the site but trust me when I say writing is my passion not correcting grammar and punctuation. Those of you who have had me as their editor know I do my best to keep your words, yours. In general, most readers aren’t aware of the incorrect usage or spelling mistakes; they are in it for the flow and feeling that comes from your heart. I hope those of you who haven’t written an article will consider doing so… we need you! We need to hear from you because our similarities need to be expanded on and shared… for the benefit of those who are searching for their own answers.
Okay… What’s next? Such an open statement! Throw in a crossdresser who is uncertain about their truth, add in a life-changing decision, and that sets the stage for a _____ 2023! (You can place nearly any descriptive term you want in the space, and it wouldn’t be far off.) I’m an introvert, not one that is afraid of being social. I just prefer my quietness. If I didn’t golf and bowl, I wouldn’t go out much. I love to write and hate marketing and book signings. NOT entirely true… I hate going to book signings. The time there is fine. I am adept at public speaking, can hold an audiences’ attention, and appear to be somewhat of a social butterfly… only wish they could see me in my party dress and heels…
I ponder Brina all the time: would she be outgoing? Would she be the eye catcher in the room… yep! For all the wrong reasons. At 6 feet 5 inches in her heels, she couldn’t help but tower over the room and draw attention (unless attending a women’s volleyball or basketball party.) If the makeup isn’t perfect, her voice buttery sweet, and every bit of manliness scrubbed away, she would stand out and be called out, so she stays home… for now.
But… is her time running out? There are many older gals who gave up their crossdressing (dreams) when they got too old (again, what is too old?) So many of us are more than just a CD, living a form of our true selves when we can through our needed and desired dressing, knowing that if life and circumstances had been different, we might have chosen another path. I’m one of those. My life for the last five years has been taking care of my parents, sharing a home with them so they could remain there. Mom passed in November 2021 and I’m facing the steady decline of my father. He will have part of his foot amputated shortly because of his diabetes. At 95 his life has been full, but this past year it has taken a dramatic toll on him… on me.
I sold my advisory practice (yes; I had a life other than being a novelist—something had to pay the bills to support my hobby… lol) I will look for something else to supplement my life until I decide to pack it all in. My love, besides writing, has been in service to others. I hope to find a niche in that area going forward. The reward is in helping others not the money but finding a way to do both will be good for me and my soul.
All of this matters, because I’m not alone in making my plans. Even though I’m not two people, I need to be cognizant of how each part is affected by a singular decision. My best guess is my father won’t last two more years, my sister’s health is marginal, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she passes in the next five years as well. That leaves me orphaned. My daughters once knew that I crossdressed, as it was the catalyst that ended my marriage (that was almost 20 years ago) and we haven’t discussed it since. They are astute and I’m willing to wager they suspect. We have a great relationship so I don’t push it, but should I find myself alone, without responsibilities, will I need to broach that subject with them? If other things fall into place, I could see myself in some form of transition… to a more visible neutrality, maybe more… The world would open to me in ways it never has; the only thing to stop me… is me.
You could say that I’m at a crossroads… living for the present and contemplating the (not so distant) future. Visions that were once only that have become possibilities. I can tell in the way that I look at items to purchase (a girl loves to shop, and you read my article about eBay.) I look for me, no longer for what was my dream image. I’m never going to be her, but I can be a respectable me. I know what hair color works the best (dirty blonde or blonde shades, occasionally with some red), the style of dresses that show me the best, and I’ve even bought several lower (sensible) heels… you know… just in case I venture out.
I believe my reflection is healthy; mentally and physically. I might be a few pounds heavier than this past summer, but I worry less about losing it, it will come off again and then some. My knees are doing better, my hearing is getting worse, “What?” One of the other reasons I sold out and is also an impediment to finding other avenues… (Can you tell I’m having fun with my wordplay…) Is there anything sadder than a deaf introvert? Don’t answer that… Can’t even keep myself company (lol). Hard to read lips when you are the one doing the talking. Okay… I’m done…
What’s next is the certainty that something will most likely will change. How far and by how much remains to be seen. If you are like me, then you might have felt burdened in many ways. Responsibilities, necessity, fear, and all the other feelings we have as adults, not to mention as crossdressers, make for a strenuous life. I have found solace in allowing myself to be me. I’m kinder to those around me and much more forgiving than in the past. It started when I first forgave myself. Being a crossdresser does not make one a bad person. The opposite in fact. When I fought it, I was in a perpetual bad mood, hating myself and the world. Cut yourself some slack! There is so much to be thankful for with this gift (read my last article.)
We have one life, and those we love are important, too. As we want them to be happy, they wish the same for us. None of us would accept another’s selfishness, so we need to be careful when we are given freedom to express our true selves. This journey is yours alone, and yet it can touch for better and worse so many others, and it is also similar in progression to those who have gone before you. What we do to make today better for all of us will impact the future of those who come behind us.
I wish you good tidings for 2023! I sincerely hope to read one of your own submissions to the Author section. We have editors waiting to help you express yourself. We do like them to be at least 500 words long. 🙂
Until next time! May the sun warm your spirits, love embrace you, and your words flow freely…
Brina
Brina, thank you once again for such a beautiful article. Your words are so true with many of us reaching this point in our lives, although I didn’t care for my parents in their later years, I so admire that you’re taking care of yours, what a beautiful gift to give them. Being an introvert myself I also wonder where will I go as more of my daily life doings slip away and all I have to do is care for my own well being, will I transition more, will I CD full time, will I give it all up… Read more »
That’s very kind of you! Thank you also for the compliments, the comments, and for sharing your own thoughts. 🙂
I think u look as good as any sexy woman and love how sexy u look
Thank you! 😉
I wish I could look as sexy as you do andgo out and find some fun
It seems that you haven’t reached the crossroads but a complicated intersection of life. Us older girls have been through the mill of life and at the back end of working life retirement beckons and the possibilities are endless. For us crossdressers it could mean that coming out more and saying ‘I have lived for the benefit of others, now it’s my turn, and dang anyone who objects. It’s fair to say this as times are better for us girls than those of the ‘dark ages’, age also gives us that freedom of expression that may be considered against the… Read more »
There was a tremendous amount of sentiment in there! I appreciate it all! I’ve managed over the last decade to find out more about me. I’m thankful for that. Even in my present situation, my ability to dress is only curtailed by the times I need to be there for my father. What isn’t in place is what’s next afterward… Much to contemplate… Thanks for the great comments! 🙂
Very well said indeed Angela!
On a note of levity, I knew I was old when I could fasten my bra behind me.
Ty Sabrina for an inspirational and moving insight to things as we age
Thanks for saying so! 🙂
Brina, thanks again for your editing a bunch of “firsts” for me: the CDH article on my attending the tg/cd party..I will try to write an article in 2023. My condolences on the passing of your mom and commend you on taking care of your dad. my father in law, although, doesn’t live with us, is 100 yo and is a concern for Kathy’s 2 brothers and 3 sisters.. I am glad for you finding solace in being you. Thank you for so much sharing in your very informative well written article.. Be well and wishing you a Happy &… Read more »
Thanks for the kind words! 🙂 I never thought of myself as an old spinstress, but that’s kind of what I am… lol. You have a good year, too.
Kind.words sis
Sabrina,
Allowing yourself to be the real you is a wonderful place to be in one’s journey. Once you accept that, the cross dressing experience becomes so much more comfortable. I did that last year and now live 90% of the time as Fiona and love it.
I can understand what you said about caregiving because I was a caregiver for my wife for many, many years before she passed away in Nov. 2022. Caregiving is extremely tough on someone, both physically and mentally.
I always enjoy your writing. You write so well.
Fiona
Thank you for the kind compliment and support! I could see myself doing something similar under the right circumstances. Something to look forward too 🙂
Briana – Thank you for your article. You give much to think about. I commend you for taking care of your Dad, and your Mom, as I’ve been there and know how difficult it can be. There becomes a time in our lives where we become the caregiver and pay back for the care we were given when young. There does become a time in our lives where we question “what’s next". Life as we knew it changes and we face new challenges. We enter a time in our lives where we can pursue things we never thought possible or… Read more »
Thank you for your kindness. There would have been a time where, “What’s next?" would have been filled with apprehension. I no longer feel that way and look forward to a more peaceful future. 🙂
Brina, sorry to hear of your father’s health, it must be a HUGE strain on you to be his caregiver. Sorry to here your fear of going out as Brina, I would be suprized if you found a lot of people who cared what you do for you as long as you are happy that way. I feared reprocussions in my area near Ames. So far most people either don’t care or are supporting. AND i am out to many co-workers, family, and people at my church.
Best of luck to you!! Cassie
Thanks for the support and comments. I don’t worry much about others… being that introvert is what stops me from going out, not the fear of being out.
Yeah, Brina. I guess I would call myself an introvert who wants to be an extrovert. Often when I do go out I do stay off to the side and don’t interact with people. I have gone a long way in the last 3 years, this evening my granddaughter wants me to take her to Target, shopping. I have been out in fem all day and have no intention of changing to drab, so in a little bit I will take her there still dressed in my floral leggings, nice fem top, little makeup on and my newly painted pink… Read more »
Brina, I have closeted on an infrequent basis for 50 years. Three months ago I came out to my wife of 53 years. See is tolerant but no cheerleader. It was if I had opened a door to heaven. At the tender age of 75 I have feelings that dreams are made of. I’ll never approach your feminine good looks (I’m just an old man in a dress) but I would not trade my inner self for a cover girls looks without it. Looking forward to many years of feminine bliss. You should also. All my best, Loraine, aka C3… Read more »
My inner beauty will always shine. I feel her pull more and more (likely do to aging and the way hormones work anyway). The question will always be, if given the opportunity, will it be more for me? That is something to look forward to. Thanks for commenting and good luck with your wife. I hope she brings out the best of you! 🙂
Nicely written ‘state of the union’ address!
Every day brings us to a crossroads – so it seems.
Well put! 🙂