Dabbing my toes in the water of femininity. Is this what I’m really doing or am I a creature of unknown origins? A collection of thoughts and actions that show neither a true path nor a divergence from safety and the familiar.
Enough with the existentialism. Just what the heck am I? This is the thought that is always in my mind and affects me daily as I try to navigate a path that one moment seems free of obstacles to one that even the best pathfinder couldn’t track. In years past, this would be another anxiety to face. It goes far deeper than my infatuation with femininity. I am most assuredly something more than a heterosexual crossdresser that pretends in the land of womanhood.
The separation of what it all means is where my difficulty lies. There is a woman in me as surely as there is a man. I’ve never taken hormones so I have no idea if they would suppress the one and enhance the other. Would that ease the anxiety? Make it worse? It’s funny, but I think that if I could move out of my well-known life here and start anew I might be more of a male crossdresser. I would be happy living as a female and donning the persona of a man to do what was needed to get by. So, what stops me. Simply put…my life and responsibilities. I live with and take care of my aging parents. Neither know nor suspect my true nature. My mother has stage 3 lung cancer and suffers from dementia. My 94-year-old father gets by fairly good but our personalities clash. I could be in this role for a year or 5, maybe more. Leaving them to fend on their own isn’t an option. Not in my book. My sister is in equally bad health and may not survive much longer either. That leaves me.
I’m a puzzle solver. I see the big picture and I can easily become frustrated by narrow minds and stubbornness. (I have my own moments…) I accept rational explanations and the grey areas as equals. I choose to stay quiet rather than create a ruckus. I concede to avoid senseless arguing. I hide rather than presenting a truer me. There are times that I wish I could only be self-focused and do only for myself; it would sure ease some of the anxieties. But…money, relationships, my parents and sister, my kids, grandkids, career, health, the list extends on. What am I willing to sacrifice? I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be. The need for complete surgery…not sure. Without the benefit of hormones, I feel as if I’m 60-70% female. Would that change? Does a woman feel 100% female or the manly man 100% male? Do I have to be at least 90% sure to proceed?
This is the life puzzle that I keep trying to put together. It’s only a million pieces or so. I envy those who had much smaller puzzles, especially those who have completed theirs; mine might never be completed. However, I’ve not given up putting it together. In my mind, it’s the process that is the most important. I’m doing something, albeit sometimes at a snail’s pace. I’m going to take another step soon and meet with a therapist to help me answer some of the prevailing questions. We will be studying each other and playing a game…this I know, because it’s who I am and why I’ve declined this route for a long time. In another life, I might have been the one doing the counseling.
One of the anxieties that we impose on ourselves is the need to have some form of finality or scripted direction. Never has this been truer than in today’s “You are with us or against us” mentality. Society no longer values middle ground. Yet, that’s exactly where 80% of us reside with the other 20% occupying the extremes. Sadly, they are the voice that speaks loudest and the ones who propagate hatred towards differing thoughts. It has gotten so bad that it has become the “Norm.” We blindly follow and act in kind. Why? What happened to awareness and common sense? Oh, yeah…pressure to conform or accept directives from every sector of our lives; with us or against us…
I found this discussion on being transgender to be helpful. What It Means to Be Transgender (webmd.com) I sometimes wonder, “Do I belong on this site? Is it only for those who are “Pure Crossdressers” or for those who feel this site should exclude those who considered themselves a variant of transgender or any other term?” Short answer. Yes, I belong here and no it isn’t. This site is for anyone who feels they have a feminine side to them, whether related to dressing only or performance art, and for those who feel an inner female inside and wish to share and learn more about it (themselves.) CDH is where we can all learn from those who have experienced what it is to be a crossdresser at all levels or from those who decided to take their next steps, regardless of what those might be. Someone has done what we consider to be our next possibility. Hearing from them, learning from them, this is what this place is about.
I spend more time here on Crossdresser Heaven than I do on Transgender Heaven. I share my journey here in hopes that I might help others navigate to Transgender Heaven if they feel they might be more, too. I’m also comfortable in calling this place my home, even as I’ve realized that I am more than what might be considered a “traditional crossdresser.” I used to fear that revelation the most. I put stress on myself to accept that I was transgendered and that it must entail a need to transition. Now I don’t. I just have to find the me that I can live peacefully with. What that means today can be dramatically altered down the road. It could go either way. I just don’t know. What will never change is that I am a combination of male and female. That is my certainty. It does me no good to wish upon a star or regret that I didn’t do something earlier or feel as if it’s too late. It isn’t. There is no time limit on becoming…
Let kindness be your guide and understanding be your mentor. Until next time…
Brina
Thank you Brina Your writing reads like a poem. I can assure you. You are not alone.
Luv Stephanie
Thanks for the kind compliment 🙂
Loved reading you article. It congers up many thoughts. More confusion and yet more clarity. Thank you.
Hugs Kathy
I guess that’s good and bad…lol. Thank you for the compliment 🙂
Brina ,How nice , I know how you feel , i to took care of my mom in her last years of life , its not easy to be a care giver , not at all . I loved my mom and miss her so , I was wore out all the time , lost my temper some times and so regret it . Am i trans ? am i gay , bi , female ? , does being a male to female make it ok to love a man ?, so many questions , so few answers . I… Read more »
Leslies, You had a lot in there. I can so relate to your comments about your Mom. I know it’s going to get worse as she slips physically and mentally. It’s really true when others say that your parents become your toddlers at the end. I’ve not found a close friend to confide in…which isn’t surprising as I’ve been an introvert all my life. I have a very close male friend from childhood. I don’t want to damage that relationship…not yet. I like the company of others, but I do cherish my solitude. I never knew how much so until… Read more »
Thank you so much Brina! Your post is beautifully written and although my circumstances are different from yours your words give me comfort as I wrestle with the same questions.
Thank you for the response, Janet 🙂
Brina, you hit the nail on the head! If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were sister/brothers from different mothers. Thanks much for the article!! Kendra
Only when I’m not trying to use a hammer with long coffin-shaped nails…lol. I write to hopefully inspire others or at least make them feel not alone in their feelings. I appreciate the comments 🙂 Thank you!
Thank you for your article. Your question of “what am I" is poignant. I found my answer in Native American beliefs. Many tribes believe that every child is born with a spirit, usually matching their physical gender. Sometimes however, a child is born with two spirits. One or the other can be dominant or they can be equal. This two spirit person is believed to be a third gender. They are accepted as a natural and necessary part of the community. I believe this is where we are. Cross dressers are two spirit, third gender. We express ourselves as our… Read more »
I’ve read some of that before from articles here on CDH and on the internet. It’s our society that causes hatred and negativity towards those who don’t conform. Some cultures were so far ahead in their understanding and acceptance. We can only wish. Thanks for the comments 🙂
Very interesting article, Brina! A lot of thought went into it. I’m a family caregiver as well. My elderly Daddy lives with me, and I help take care of him so I can relate. Although you had a lot of questions in the beginning, near the end of the article you had some answers. You also seem to be content with yourself. I’m very content being just a CD, and like you, CDH is my home too. We are a family here and yes, we learn from one another.
Rev
I’m content in knowing that I’m a work in progress that might never be completely finished. I’ve given up on trying to be either or and accepted that which I am currently, might be down the road, or not. This is most assuredly a needed and wonderful site! Thanks for the comments 🙂
Brina wrote: " I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be." I feel exactly the same, Brina. And I know I’m really a girl on the inside, but I won’t transition, for multiple reasons, including a wife whose health is rapidly declining. Should I be on Transgender Heaven, anyway? We seem to have a lot in common, and I enjoyed reading the thoughts of someone whose… Read more »
Bettylou, It’s kind of why I write for both sites and am the Managing editor for both. I belong in both places because I can identify with both. Until I take the plunge and actually decide that some form of transition is in my future, I’m transgendered and a crossdresser. I learn a lot from those on the other site who have transitioned or are going through that process. It helps to center me reading about their feelings…in regard to my own. There are a lot of us on this site and we have a few strictly crossdressers on the… Read more »
For many years I existed with the classic duality of two separate personas male and female. Dressing when opportunity allowed. Now I dress to be me. I’m one personality more femme than male but happy with my maleness despite this. I believe there is a growing middle ground and recognition that whist sex is relatively simple Gender is more complex and doesn’t exist as polar xtremes. Tolerance of diversity is being encouraged both through social pressures and in many countries through legislation. As a result it’s possible for some high profile people to express themselves as non binary and begin… Read more »
I think that is great. I can see that day coming…though a long way off. I do what I can to be some of it…clean-shaven, the scents I wear on my body, some of the daily clothing, the walk (which is feminine compared to the bull in the China shop of yesteryear). I hope to someday include the pierced ears, the longer hair, even more.
I really appreciate your comments! Thank you 🙂
Wonderful article, Brina. You capture my confusion and indecision perfectly. I have no idea where I’m going in this crazy life of mine.
Hugs, Jillian
Thank you Jillian. If you get there before I do, let me know where the bus dropped you off at…
Wait, What, there’s a bus?!!!
We can only wish…lol. Seems like we bought a ticket but didn’t get the map of stops and all the routes and destinations have been removed from the inside so we don’t know where we’re headed or when to get off.