Dabbing my toes in the water of femininity. Is this what I’m really doing or am I a creature of unknown origins? A collection of thoughts and actions that show neither a true path nor a divergence from safety and the familiar.

Enough with the existentialism. Just what the heck am I? This is the thought that is always in my mind and affects me daily as I try to navigate a path that one moment seems free of obstacles to one that even the best pathfinder couldn’t track. In years past, this would be another anxiety to face. It goes far deeper than my infatuation with femininity. I am most assuredly something more than a heterosexual crossdresser that pretends in the land of womanhood.

The separation of what it all means is where my difficulty lies. There is a woman in me as surely as there is a man. I’ve never taken hormones so I have no idea if they would suppress the one and enhance the other. Would that ease the anxiety? Make it worse? It’s funny, but I think that if I could move out of my well-known life here and start anew I might be more of a male crossdresser. I would be happy living as a female and donning the persona of a man to do what was needed to get by. So, what stops me. Simply put…my life and responsibilities. I live with and take care of my aging parents. Neither know nor suspect my true nature. My mother has stage 3 lung cancer and suffers from dementia. My 94-year-old father gets by fairly good but our personalities clash. I could be in this role for a year or 5, maybe more. Leaving them to fend on their own isn’t an option. Not in my book. My sister is in equally bad health and may not survive much longer either. That leaves me.

I’m a puzzle solver. I see the big picture and I can easily become frustrated by narrow minds and stubbornness. (I have my own moments…) I accept rational explanations and the grey areas as equals. I choose to stay quiet rather than create a ruckus. I concede to avoid senseless arguing. I hide rather than presenting a truer me. There are times that I wish I could only be self-focused and do only for myself; it would sure ease some of the anxieties. But…money, relationships, my parents and sister, my kids, grandkids, career, health, the list extends on. What am I willing to sacrifice? I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be. The need for complete surgery…not sure. Without the benefit of hormones, I feel as if I’m 60-70% female. Would that change? Does a woman feel 100% female or the manly man 100% male? Do I have to be at least 90% sure to proceed?

Exceptional Voice

This is the life puzzle that I keep trying to put together. It’s only a million pieces or so. I envy those who had much smaller puzzles, especially those who have completed theirs; mine might never be completed. However, I’ve not given up putting it together. In my mind, it’s the process that is the most important. I’m doing something, albeit sometimes at a snail’s pace. I’m going to take another step soon and meet with a therapist to help me answer some of the prevailing questions. We will be studying each other and playing a game…this I know, because it’s who I am and why I’ve declined this route for a long time. In another life, I might have been the one doing the counseling.

One of the anxieties that we impose on ourselves is the need to have some form of finality or scripted direction. Never has this been truer than in today’s “You are with us or against us” mentality. Society no longer values middle ground. Yet, that’s exactly where 80% of us reside with the other 20% occupying the extremes. Sadly, they are the voice that speaks loudest and the ones who propagate hatred towards differing thoughts. It has gotten so bad that it has become the “Norm.” We blindly follow and act in kind. Why? What happened to awareness and common sense? Oh, yeah…pressure to conform or accept directives from every sector of our lives; with us or against us…

I found this discussion on being transgender to be helpful. What It Means to Be Transgender (webmd.com) I sometimes wonder, “Do I belong on this site? Is it only for those who are “Pure Crossdressers” or for those who feel this site should exclude those who considered themselves a variant of transgender or any other term?” Short answer. Yes, I belong here and no it isn’t. This site is for anyone who feels they have a feminine side to them, whether related to dressing only or performance art, and for those who feel an inner female inside and wish to share and learn more about it (themselves.) CDH is where we can all learn from those who have experienced what it is to be a crossdresser at all levels or from those who decided to take their next steps, regardless of what those might be. Someone has done what we consider to be our next possibility. Hearing from them, learning from them, this is what this place is about.

I spend more time here on Crossdresser Heaven than I do on Transgender Heaven. I share my journey here in hopes that I might help others navigate to Transgender Heaven if they feel they might be more, too. I’m also comfortable in calling this place my home, even as I’ve realized that I am more than what might be considered a “traditional crossdresser.”  I used to fear that revelation the most. I put stress on myself to accept that I was transgendered and that it must entail a need to transition. Now I don’t. I just have to find the me that I can live peacefully with. What that means today can be dramatically altered down the road. It could go either way. I just don’t know. What will never change is that I am a combination of male and female. That is my certainty. It does me no good to wish upon a star or regret that I didn’t do something earlier or feel as if it’s too late. It isn’t. There is no time limit on becoming…

Let kindness be your guide and understanding be your mentor. Until next time…

 

Brina

More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

View all articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavishTags:
5 3 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
42 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Stephanie Kennedy
Active Member
1 year ago

Thank you Brina Your writing reads like a poem. I can assure you. You are not alone.

Luv Stephanie

Kathy LaDonna
Trusted Member
1 year ago

Loved reading you article. It congers up many thoughts. More confusion and yet more clarity. Thank you.
Hugs Kathy

Leslies Ann Gray Girl
Active Member

Brina ,How nice , I know how you feel , i to took care of my mom in her last years of life , its not easy to be a care giver , not at all . I loved my mom and miss her so , I was wore out all the time , lost my temper some times and so regret it . Am i trans ? am i gay , bi , female ? , does being a male to female make it ok to love a man ?, so many questions , so few answers . I… Read more »

Janet Woodham
Member
1 year ago

Thank you so much Brina! Your post is beautifully written and although my circumstances are different from yours your words give me comfort as I wrestle with the same questions.

Kendra Beauford
Kendra Beauford
1 year ago

Brina, you hit the nail on the head! If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were sister/brothers from different mothers. Thanks much for the article!! Kendra

Beth Green
Member
1 year ago

Thank you for your article. Your question of “what am I” is poignant. I found my answer in Native American beliefs. Many tribes believe that every child is born with a spirit, usually matching their physical gender. Sometimes however, a child is born with two spirits. One or the other can be dominant or they can be equal. This two spirit person is believed to be a third gender. They are accepted as a natural and necessary part of the community. I believe this is where we are. Cross dressers are two spirit, third gender. We express ourselves as our… Read more »

Revel
Baroness
Active Member
1 year ago

Very interesting article, Brina! A lot of thought went into it. I’m a family caregiver as well. My elderly Daddy lives with me, and I help take care of him so I can relate. Although you had a lot of questions in the beginning, near the end of the article you had some answers. You also seem to be content with yourself. I’m very content being just a CD, and like you, CDH is my home too. We are a family here and yes, we learn from one another.

Rev

Bettylou Cox
Member
Bettylou Cox
1 year ago

Brina wrote: ” I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be.” I feel exactly the same, Brina. And I know I’m really a girl on the inside, but I won’t transition, for multiple reasons, including a wife whose health is rapidly declining. Should I be on Transgender Heaven, anyway? We seem to have a lot in common, and I enjoyed reading the thoughts of someone whose… Read more »

LisaT
LisaT
1 year ago

For many years I existed with the classic duality of two separate personas male and female. Dressing when opportunity allowed. Now I dress to be me. I’m one personality more femme than male but happy with my maleness despite this. I believe there is a growing middle ground and recognition that whist sex is relatively simple Gender is more complex and doesn’t exist as polar xtremes. Tolerance of diversity is being encouraged both through social pressures and in many countries through legislation. As a result it’s possible for some high profile people to express themselves as non binary and begin… Read more »

JillianW
JillianW
1 year ago

Wonderful article, Brina. You capture my confusion and indecision perfectly. I have no idea where I’m going in this crazy life of mine.

Hugs, Jillian

JillianW
JillianW
1 year ago

Wait, What, there’s a bus?!!!

42
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

If you don't see the captcha above please disable ad and tracking blockers and reload the page.