In Shakespeare’s time, men played all the female roles. Wouldn’t that have been fun? Not only was it acceptable, but it was also mainstream, and what wonderful clothing we could wear. If we can learn anything from history, it is that varying notions can change—for either better or worse. If you are like me, there is an ebb and flow to your dressing. At times, the anxiety of not dressing is worse than the fight against wanting to.
I really feel like Charlie Brown running to kick the football and knowing Lucy is going to pull it away. I can’t stop myself from the smallest glimmer of hope. Will there ever be a world in which it is okay for anyone to be what they want? And just exactly, what does that entail? I look through all of my clothing and hair options, wondering what my best friends would think if they saw me dressed in all my glory. I know many of you have already experienced this. I’ve read your recounting of friends and family lost to those who were accepting and became closer. I have no doubts that I would… be surprised. We are the perfect example of saying one thing and truthfully meaning something else. We hide who we are while pretending to be that which we are not. I mention my golf partner (who does kind things but is one of those who is perceived as a right-wing bigot.) because I do my best to see beyond his words and withhold permanent judgment of his soul.
My other golf buddy has a married, lesbian daughter and she at times claims to be trans (searching for her own truth). You would expect them to react in a certain way, just like the millions of unknowing, uneducated people expect us to act and be based on their perceptions. How would my long-time best friend react? Every song or story has that arc where someone unexpected will stand with you while those we believe will turn their backs. Of course, in the movie, one of them comes back and depending on whether it’s a drama or comedy, will potentially throw you to the wolves again or lift you up. What I can’t say with any certainty is which one of the three will still be there after seeing me dressed. Some of you would like to tell me that I should find out, or to immediately dump the bigoted one, or not to care and to just be me and take it as it comes. In the past, I had responsibilities that I wouldn’t exchange to find out. Now, with the passing of both of my parents, who am I worried about? Me, for the simple answer. I am the one burdened by uncertainty.
I’ve been described as a person with great clarity who sees the bigger picture and gets things done… and yet, here I still am, tossed about in my ongoing search for “My Truth.” What I can say is that I am enthralled with everything feminine and always have been. If I had that in my partner, would I dress as much? Good question. Do I dress (being single for over 10 years) because I lack that from another or because I am that? My ex-wife was very good with her makeup but lacked any type of sex appeal. (A lot to do with her toxic personality.) The more I tried to speak to the things that attracted me, the more she belittled me. My other relationship was with someone who was kind (a trait important to me) but didn’t wear makeup, or jewelry and rarely dressed up. My god, what would I be if I had married Raquel Welch or Sophia Vergara? Would they have been enough?
Truthfully, I don’t believe so, and I would have stretched out many of their clothes and surely broken some of their shoes in my unrelenting need to wear them. What they would have brought to me is the reflection of what I need to be me. I have that now with my closet full of dresses and shoes, plus the ability to dress whenever I like. What I don’t have is recognition and acceptance from others. Yes, you all count, but you know what I mean. My daughters are in the don’t tell, don’t let us see, and we don’t talk about it, stage, but I could see that changing if I pursue the next steps that I keep saying I should. It’s more likely every day, as I want to hear what a professional has to say. I am a difficult subject to be sure. As the counselor is trying to evaluate me, I will be doing so in return.
What perplexes me is what would I feel like if I took the steps to HRT. Do I even want to know? Would it ruin what I have, make it better, or even become more confusing? That is my mind at work. If all I’m worried about is me, and I have ample opportunity to dress, to move and start fresh elsewhere, and live my best life, why concern myself with it? Because… I might just find out that I really am more as easily as I might find the satisfaction to know that I’m not. And that will… possibly change nothing as I’m going to stay put and spend oodles of money on dresses on eBay and continue to golf with my (ignorant to what I am) golf buddies.
I need to, want to, and love to dress. I am part woman (maybe more) than I am man, most assuredly so on the inside. I would love my outside to at least be more neutral, which I am working on. I get that HRT would help with that (A huge draw for me), but I’m already losing distance off my drives… In a world that currently demonizes us, why would I want to put myself out there? I wouldn’t, at least not here where I live. My decision may be to sell the big house I don’t need with all of its maintenance and move away as I fantasize about. Live my life as the daring gender-neutral person who is (hopefully) accepted by their community, and let nature determine the ultimate outcome (HRT to be or not to be)
What I have accepted, that curbs the anxiety I once felt, is that it’s okay to be more than just a crossdresser, because aren’t we all wanting to be more in some capacity than what we are… a better husband, father, friend, worker, volunteer? Aren’t we looking for acceptance in all aspects of our lives, not just for wearing a dress and high heels? I am Brina and she is me; together we make one hell of a team. I’m only sorry that it took most of my life to recognize that fact. (I do wish she’d curb her spending some…) I love the feel of a pretty dress and the alluring scent of exotic perfume, regardless of whether I’m the one to wear them. Finding a partner that accepts this side of me (No… embraces this side) would be amazing. I just may have to kick the ball that Lucy is holding for it to come true, not likely, but being an optimist like Charlie Brown, maybe this time it will be different!
Have a wonderful Fall (or Spring) and find that spark within yourself that fans the fire to be more, in whatever it is you desire.
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Wow Brina this such a good article I love it and it hit a home run with me..
Thank you! Kind of you to say so 🙂
Brina, thank you for the words, the open sharing and the effort you put into this. I am sure a lot of us girls identify with various parts of what you said and at different times. We all carry the complex combination of fears of will I be accepted, will I lose family and friends? I know I have. I am a little different than some who dress in that I had the feelings inside of being a girl way back when I was 7 years old. But even at such a young age I was clear that acceptance was… Read more »
So beautifully put! Thank you for sharing and I hope many others read your comments. I invite you to share this in your own article. 🙂
Your story is so like my own… I can deeply empathize. Even when you believe you have found acceptance and true love, it can be fleeting.Accepting self and others is somewhat within our control, but it is hard to let go of our need to be accepted by those we love, something over which we have no control. So we are often caught in the dilemma… is accepting ourselves sufficient, or do we sacrifice who we are for the sake of gaining love from others? The philosophers advise “To thine own self be true”, but can we be satisfied with… Read more »
Hi Sabrina, loved this article certainly food for thought. I wonder about HRT and have Also dreamt about moving somewhere friendly where no one knows me.
Hugs
AnnaBeth
I once scoured the internet for possible locations, and that led me to a search for forgotten or abandoned towns. I wondered about what it might be like if it was purchased and lived in by those who are like us or at least (like us). We might put the rest of the world to shame in our production and ability to get along. Thanks for the comments.
I found a church organization that has founded 4 senior living facilities and welcomes transgender people. I have offered them attractive lake property I manage if they would found a home there, as I would love to establish a homestead for LGBT folks so they could find a welcoming, accepting environment in which to live, absent fear of discovery, and with amenities, like a beauty salon. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could dress as much as we like in such an environment?
That would be a great environment. It all comes down to the antiquated notions of grouping. It is in everything we do. “You are with us or against us” is nastier today in generality than it has been in the past. Lots of reasons for this. What is missing, is the simplicity that all we have to do is recognize individual rights over group rights. Take away grouping and we will begin to recognize the uniqueness and wonderment of all human beings.
One of the blessings I have received as I venture out and mingle with others as a CD without pretense is that I have learned to better recognize and support the rights of others to live and act in ways I have been taught is inappropriate. In doing so I have had many opportunities to love and be loved and realized the mutual freedom and acceptance this offers. Many tell me they are delighted to see someone comfortable in their own skin, and that message encourages them if in a minority often shamed for who they are.Expressing our femininity, especially… Read more »
At this time I’m not ready for HRT, because the endocrine system is in a balance influenced by many factors. I’m not in favour of any kind of elective surgery for similar risk avoidance reasons. I don’t begrudge any other person to do these things though. I do however spend too much on dresses ! Otherwise, when I do dress up, I like to have fun with it.
It is extremely hard to separate infatuation from need. It’s true in what I see for myself and in my obsession to buy female attire. I want, but do I need? With both, the answer is sometimes, “Yes, yes, yes!” and other times it is, “Maybe, not sure, possibly.” Unfortunately, life isn’t a SciFi movie where the hero can see visions of the future and then choose the right path. Thanks for the comments!
Well written and well expressed. Many of us are wrestling with the concept of our binary existence. I have the added circumstance of taking care of a partner who does not take care of herself. She has type 2 diabetes and cancer(cancer will be removed in surgery next month). She is disabled to point I have to do everything for her. Ver difficult. I see a therapist for all this but it does not really help much. I guess saying this here is another form of therapy. Let’s see if it helps.
I feel for you as I dealt with both of my parents as they declined and passed in the last two years. My older (8 years) sister is dealing with 2 types of cancer and won’t last much longer. I’m thankful for my health and the much improving mental side. You have my sympathy and my admiration in what you are dealing with. Sometimes, throwing in the part of us that we struggle to figure out makes it all the more challenging. Hang in there!
Thank you for your encouraging thoughts
thanks for such a great, candid, article and honest sharing!! The struggle to be who we are and make the sacrifices necessary to do so is very difficult. We don’t live in a perfect, or even a kind, accepting world and are limited in our abilities to make it so. I share your hopes and longings and hope they will be fulfilled for you! To the extent they may not be, I hope you find a path which gives you the greatest happiness and personal satisfaction. It is important to know what we most want, as that often leads us… Read more »
Thank you! That has been my message for years. We may not always get what we desire. That is true in everything and not just in the pursuit of our “True Selves”. Live is a balancing act where it is up to each of us to find the point where we can be most happy. So many outside influences also dictate how happy that point might be. What is off today may be better down the road. I only have so much time in my life to find the best me, and it’s never too late to start.
Well put. I totally agree.