Crossdressers - Beware the dangers on the Internet

Of all the blessings afforded the crossdresser, few can compare with the Internet. Barely twenty years ago there was a dearth of information on crossdressing. We were doomed to live afflicted with guilt wandering alone in the barren wilderness. We eyed ourselves in the mirror feeling isolated by the shame of our “perversion”. Many took their secret to the grave, never daring to tell another of the feminine inside of yearning to be free. Unable to bear their own judgment, a few unfortunate souls hastened their own journey from this world.

The Internet is changing this…

I’m old enough to have spent my teenage years without the Internet – to have endured my crossdressing alone, wrestling day and night with feelings of shame and the unceasing compulsion to wear woman’s clothes. I was torn – I needed to talk with someone – to try and understand myself – yet I knew, I KNEW that what I was doing was so shamefully wrong I could never reveal it to another soul.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

Isolation drove me to absurd conclusions, and made the crazy seem rational. It’s not a coincidence that solitary confinement is among the worst punishments a prisoner can receive. We’re biologically wired to need companionship – to draw strength from a familiar face, and seek community among like minded souls. So we join the local church, or woman’s group, or Toastmaster’s club. We find others like us where we can fit in.

For crossdressers, the Internet is the ultimate club. A place where we can find companionship while still retaining our anonymity. Where we can learn about our unique nature without mumbling a lame excuse in response to the librarian’s questioning stare at the “Crossdressing for Dummies” book in our hand.

But The Internet is Not All Sunshine and Roses

Recently a reader of Crossdresser Heaven found this out the hard way. Lucy (as we’ll call her) had submitted a crossdressing success story along with a lovely photo of herself in her feminine attire. A few months later she had the misfortune to break up with her girlfriend – a girlfriend who both knew about Lucy’s crossdressing and her story on Crossdresser Heaven. A girlfriend with a vengeful streak, who decided to use the story to out Lucy to her friends and family. Soon afterwards I received an urgent email asking that the story be taking down – a request I hastily honored.

As I said above, the Internet is a wonderful thing for crossdressers, the friendship and self-validation you can find will nurture your soul. I only ask that you think carefully before “coming out on the Internet”. Photos are stories have a way of getting around.

Be careful out there.

P.S. If you haven’t already, please read the 3 steps for keeping your feminine identity secret on Facebook.

  1. Racquel Lynn 9 years ago

    Yes, you have to be careful, of course depending on your own specific situation, your level of caution may vary.
    I have one ex girlfiend that I know is a total game player and was wanting something to try and hang over my head. After she left, I found some photos of mine that were of me dressed as Racquel. She didn’t take the ones of me as a male or the ones of me dressed as a female in full dress. She only took the ones of me in lingerie I guess because she thought that would be the most embarrassing to me fi she were to put them out there or show them to anyone. I don’t know what she would have to gain from this other than just trying to get me back at some point for kicking her to the curb. She was alcoholic and had quite a few issues and I am suspecting a cocain habit that she said she didn’t have anymore, plus I caught her cheating on me.
    I never said anything. Let her keep them. Most of my best friends know, everyone at work knew and I was quite comfortable with being open no matter if I was in male or female mode at the time. After all, I had been going to permanent hair removal sessions and had gotten my permanent make up already, so what was I really hiding that she could show anyone anyway, other than a more solid visual of something that I am sure people had couriously pictured in their minds anyway. Or maybe those that had not yet seen me as a female may have pictured me in a dress but not in lingerie. So I really don’t care personally if anyone winds up posting pics of me or showing and telling anyone, because I got beyond the point of being embarrased or ashamed of crossdressing long before I even met her.
    Only thing is that I still need to come out to my Mom and then at some point to my Dad, and I would rather it come from me than for them to find out from someone else. (although I know they already know part of it, they just don’t know that I want to have full surgery and be 100% female, although they may have already heard, but it has not been talked about) Other than that, I really don’t care who knows or who finds out.
    So if someone thinks they are going to try and make me look bad or make me embarrassed by “Exposing me” they have another thing coming because I will just stand proud and say “Yes, that’s me alright! See everyone? That’s the real me I was telling you about!”
    I realize that not everyone has reached that level of comfort yet or have situations where they cannot be outted, but the thing is that once you stop worrying about what other people will think and be proud and happy with who you are and be open about it, even if you are not living full time as a female, if YOU are the one to be honest and You are the one to tell people that you are a crossdresser, transgender, transsexual, or whatever, yeah, some may be a little shocked when they first find out and answer their questions honestly and be as up front as you can be, you will gain so much repsect from people that you never expected to respect and accept you, and being honest and being yourself and not being ashamed gives you so much power against someone trying to out you for any malicious reason. If you have come out on your own, then if someone else comes along and tries to say “Hey everybody! Guess what? ______ likes to wear panties and dresses!” then everyone will just look at them like they are a jerk and say “so what. We already knew that, tell us something we don’t know.”
    or if they don’t already know and you just stand proud and smile and show them that you’re not ashamed and say “yes, I’m not ashamed, I dress as the opposite gender, it’s not to be kinky or perverted, that’s just who I am, so what it your point? Did you think you were going to embarrass me or make me feel ashamed?, Sorry, nice try!”
    It isn’t going to work perfect in every case, but I have found that it is easier to be out than to hide and it is also easier to be proud of yourself if someone tries to out you. Yes, if someone brings it up, a lot of people may laugh at first and make some comments, but once they see how honest and open and proud you are and that none of what is brought up bothers you, they wind up backing off and the crowd will gain a whole new respect for you.
    I have been very lucky to have had quite a few jobs that supported me and even allowed me to work as Racquel any time I wanted to. Plus in Louisville, KY. and Jefferson County we were the first place to pass a fairness ordinance that included “Transgendered” under protection against discrimination in employment, housing and public accomodations which I don’t think the employers I had would have discriminated anyway, but it has helped some other transgendered people I know. One job I had that I was allowed to dress female was before the ordinance passed.

    The only things I worry about on internet is stalkers and haters. So I am careful about who I give certain information to or about what info I post. Don’t want just anyone being able to track me down, but at the same time, I now own my own business, so some things are hard to avoid. Once I am back to living full time as a female again and can afford a few procedures, I think I will be less worried about some things as I believe I will have more people who will just know and accept me as female and some (hopefully) may not even realise I was ever in a male body. (although at 6’2″, big hands, etc. that may be a bit much to hope for. lol)

  2. Carol 9 years ago

    You need to take legal action against Lucy, for breach of trust. She set out to hurt you, and should pay for her mean streak. carol

  3. Emily 9 years ago

    I agree with Vanessa, you have to be careful about what you post on the internet, as what you do online can have a direct impact on what happens offline (the “real” world). For example in the news a year ago someone lost their job over something that they posted on their facebook profile.
    Being a computer techie and having worked in the IT field as a professional IT Technician, I’ve seen some of the major benefits that the Internet can offer, it’s all about knowing what you’re looking for rather than just clicking around, which can lead to problems.

    bottom line, stick to trusted websites, use caution when using search engines and remember people online may not be who they say they are. If in doubt leave it out

    You need to take legal action against Lucy, for breach of trust. She set out to hurt you, and should pay for her mean streak. carol

    That’s a little harsh considering the circumstances, I think Vanessa did the right thing by taking down the post at Lucy’s request. 🙂

    Kind Regards


  4. Rhonda 9 years ago

    Like anything else, the internet is a good thing and a bad thing for cross dressers.We can join cross dressing groups on the internet and meet other cross dressers in person.If a girlfriend knows about your crossdressing and you feel deep down inside that you can trust her 100% I say let her take those pics of you and enjoy what you have with her.If you don`t trust her keep the crossdressing to yourself and you`ll be better off for it.A bad break up with a g/f or wife will surely put you out their for friends and family to see.I say get to know the person really really well before you go trusting them with you FEM side.
    Rhonda XO

    • Racquel Lynn 9 years ago

      In my experience, I learned that it is better to be up front about it from the start. Maybe not the first couple of dates with someone, unless it is someone you have known for a while already and just started dating.
      If things look like they are going to progress and you think you want to be with that person long term or even a lifetime, it is better to tell them sooner than later. You don’t want them finding out form someone else or some other way. It is always best coming directly from you.
      This builds more trust in the relationship where if they were to find out later that you had been doing this all along and hiding it from them, especially if you don’t tell them but they catch you or find out from someone else, then they will feel betrayed and wonder what else you may have been hiding from them.
      I am taking time off from dating at the moment to concentrate on my business and other things, but I have reached the point that most girls I have dated now have already known about me, or I tell them right away even before we go out on our first date. There are a few girls wanting to date me now that know everything. They know I crossdress, they know I go out in public that way and they know I want to have surgery and they still want to go out with me and have a relationship with me. I used to worry that no woman would ever want me, that they would think I was just some perverted wierdo for wanting to wear dresses and especially for wanting to have surgery, but I have been very lucky. I was married for almost 10 years to a wonderful woman who completely supported my decision. I told her before we got married and she still married me and for the most part it was a great 10 years. I have had a few since then that had a bit of a problem with it, but they knew all about it, but most have supported me completely.
      I am past the point, way past the point that if I happened to get a vendictive woman wanting to show photos of me dressed female, in lingerie, etc. It catually would not even phase me. I would not be embarrassed or ashamed. It would actually backfire on her because she would look like the fool. I handle myself really well now and things like that just would not bother me. Show them to the people at my church for all I care. Most of them know anyway! lol
      Things like this, many times can’t hurt you as bad as you think as long as you don’t let it affect you, it can’t. you just have to get yourself to the point that you don’t care what anyone else thinks, this is who you are and you are going to be proud and not embarrassed or ashamed.
      It is a long hard road to get there for many, but it is worth it.
      Some people are in situations where the wrong people knowing could hurt them with their career, etc. but with the internet, you can always search career options and find places that do not have a problem hiring transgendered employees.
      Some may have to change jobs, or even move to get things where they want to be in order to be themselves, but you can usually do what you want in life and also live as your true self if you just take the time to find the right mix of friends, employer, accepting community, etc.

  5. Michelle Flynn 4 years ago

    I have been using the internet since it started. I have never had a problem on line because I knew people would misrepresent themselves and could try to use anything they found out against you.
    I encourage all of you ladies to be very careful when you go out in the world. There are are some very hateful and violent people out there.
    I have been out for over 20 years and I have had 4 instances of physical violence aimed at me. Very early in my transition I was crossing a parking lot and a man tried to hit me with his fist, I say tried because he didn’t connect. I deflected the punch and he ended up kissing the fender of a car. Also early in my transition a neo-nazi skinhead tried to attack me screaming all queers must die. He did not succeed either, in fact he was knocked to the ground and discovered that he too could die.
    Much later in my transition I was walking home from a bus stop and someone followed me, he pushed me into a deep shadow on a deserted street I moved with his attack leaving him off balance, he tried to move in again and cut his shirt on my knife. He ran away. I hope he learned not to pick on women that seem alone.
    The last incident was when I was walking my dog late at night, two homeless men attempted to accost me, they could see my dog was still under sedation from a surgery earlier that day.
    I told them they shouldn’t be afraid of the dog, be very afraid of the owner, I then delivered an elbow to the solar plexus of the one behind me. They both ran away. this happened right outside my stepson’s bedroom window. I could hear him laughing hysterically. I had hand to hand combat training when I was in the service.
    Everyone needs some instruction in self defense. It is a dangerous world out there. Also be very aware of your surroundings!

  6. Steva 3 years ago

    Even though I’m a ass kicker like Mikkii, I prefer to avoid even dirty looks!

    I’ve had ex girlfriends out me before – when I was younger – and said, so what? To my friends she told. They are still my friends!

    But here in the rural south it’s different, folks seem to think sexual folks are pervs. Hell, they reject even normal-sexed folks that wasn’t born here!

    Weird stares I can do without!

    It’s always been hard to trust folks! But with the net there is a false sense of safety.

    For example. .. dating sites. Very popular! !! If someone saw me on one I know they would spread it like juicy gossip!

    In the country, a juicy gossip is worth social gold! But not for the topic! Kids have killed themselves because other kids found out their parents were gay! CD isn’t technically gay but it’s close enough. – not to say I’m a parent…

    Anyway, just because it feels safe typing away in your underwear doesn’t mean your really secure. Be careful what you post, like, or g plus, especially be careful with pictures.

  7. Kayla Taylor 8 months ago

    I had been very careful to hone my makeup as passable and was gleefully successful the first time. Bought several pair of shoes and several blouses then ate our. All in all a wonderful 4 hours. The second time was different. As I was enjoying my meal one evening awaiting a show that was about to begin, a guy watching from across the room while I ate came to my table and came on to me. Wow! That was different but it also told me I had done some things right and had handled my voice well. I was polite and told him I was in a relationship and showed my nice fake Diamond Wedding Ring on my left hand. Something I hoped would avoid this. He insisted. The waitress noticed I was being hassled. She knew about me because we had a nice chat before everyone arrived and too her surprise I told her. She was cool, sweet and gave me femme tips. She said my perfume was perfect. Just a hint. Funny how you remember things like that. She politely asked the guy to leave me alone and offered free food. No luck as he started asking me what made me so much better than him and got louder. Uhh. I was really freaking out a little. I managed to finish my meal, paid and left with him still seated at my table. Just as I got to my car his voice came from behind and scared me. Hadn’t gotten the door open and was really afraid. He kept insisting he was nice guy and want to go out. That was a weird feeling and I cannot begin to explain my emotions and confusion. I thought I had taken steps to avoid things like this with my ring. I guess I should have been honored but mostly was surprised at his tenacity. I politely refused again and he started cussing me and really I felt threatened. Wow. From the corner of my eyes I saw two guys that had been in the Restaurant leaving and walking our way. They asked if I was okay for which I replied I was not. They intervened and asked the guy to leave me alone. He went back into the restaurant. I know it doesn’t always work out like that and it could have gotten ugly if not for the nice guys. Afterward, I went places during the day but never found that companion I think would have been a good thing to have when going out. Truly there are Safety in numbers.

    • Sedona Rockatansky 8 months ago

      I was playing pool at a bar once in femme, and a guy kept commenting on how good my butt looked. I eventually told him I was a dude and he took a pool ball and wouldn’t leave me alone until I took out a breast form and let him hold it. Some people just don’t understand that others don’t want to be harassed like that.

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