I was a reluctant crossdresser for a very long time. I was not reluctant in my innate crossdressing desires, which I knew would never go away, but was terribly shy about taking it outside the house, especially because I was concerned about professional repercussions. After a series of life changes though, I have embraced the woman inside of me, and truly feel I saved my life.
Some time ago, I got gained a lot of weight, but when I reached 100 kg, the three-digit marker made me finally do something about it. It didn’t take long for me to see that I could lose weight just by eating the right food and exercising. My favorite form of exercise was disco dancing. I really plowed through the old catalogs of 70s, 80s, and 90s music, picking the tracks which got my toes tapping, which is important to get my feet moving. Eventually, disco gave way to ballet, because it seemed I was getting good aerobic exercise, but I needed an anaerobic component. Ballet is lifting weights, it just happens that the weight is your own body. Ballet is also both athletic and still very feminine, which is why it appealed to me. I developed a taste for the music of Tchaikovsky, particularly the classic Swan Lake and the Nutcracker. My own dancing is nothing special, just going through the positions with a pirouette here or an arabesque there. It is somewhat undisciplined and haphazard, much like my disco dancing
As I lost weight, I decided a comfortable weight for me was 72 kg, with a corset waist of about 30 inches. It was really at this point that my crossdressing took a very different turn, as I was now able to wear more flattering clothing. The other surprising thing was that I was targeting belly or visceral fat, but after a while, subcutaneous fat also started to disappear. My watch became so slack I had to take out a few links and I lost about half a shoe size. Virtually all of my old clothing had to be thrown out or donated to charity. I needed completely new wardrobes for both my drab and femme sides.
All of this could be an article on a weight loss website, so why am I sharing it here in Crossdresser Heaven? Because I was in crossdressing heaven! I didn’t have to go to plus size stores, I could browse the larger end of regular racks. Suddenly I could wear skimpy and figure-hugging garments and pull off very skinny looks. The crossdressing was giving me so much pleasure, but most importantly, it was the motivator for becoming healthy. Because of this, it had to be allowed, it had to be accepted, and it had to be given expression in a way that it never was before. If my desire to feel beautiful had been set aside, none of these healthy lifestyle changes would have happened.
The transformation of my body has drawn out the crossdresser in me, but I noticed something was missing when I was fully dressed. My face was drab, wrinkly, old and male. So, for the first time, I got into makeup in a way that I never did before. Just today I bought myself some very glossy lip gloss which the girl in the shop recommended and I now have a large and full makeup bag. Once I felt more confident with my makeup, I explored even more ways to express my femininity. For example, I’ve always loved pedicures, which in truth should be totally OK for men, because they keep your toenails very healthy. Last time, the pedicurist painted my toenails a beautiful silver color for wearing with open-toed shoes, and it’s a nice thing to keep when in male mode because I wear socks and shoes and they can’t be seen.
I love clothes shopping and especially love cute clothing like lace, frills and Loli styles. I love “cute” as an aspect of femininity. It is something that is available only to women. In the real world though, women dress sensibly most of the time. Right now, I find myself shopping for things to wear at the mall and they’ll be nice dresses and skirts with a waistband. I found a very nice knee-length black silk skirt with some black netting underneath it. From a distance, it looks like an office skirt, but when you get close, you can see it’s fancy, comfortable and floaty. I have some appropriate tops for these skirts, which are also a bit more subdued for my daytime looks. I even got a pair of sensible black shoes. I will say I avoid high heels, not because I don’t like them, but I’m being realistic – I’m already tall and heels just make me even taller.
For me, the greatest expression of my crossdressing is getting out and being in social situations while en femme. One simple pleasure of mine is driving as a woman. I live in a gated community, so I have to get out of the gate without exposing my girly self. I do this by leaving my wig off and covering my female clothing with some of my old oversized male clothing. I do recognize the humor in this because here I am, a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man!
After some late-night sorties that were somewhat sad and lonely, I settled on two places I could go which were socially worthwhile. I can go to the mall for work because lots of my work is writing. It is really nice to get up in the morning and dress for the day as a woman and go out to work. The other place is the dance club, which has offered the opportunity of meaningful interaction with people through dance, but it’s also fascinating. It’s young women in their 20s and often I am just observing them and trying to see what fashions are popular. For my next visit, I’ve promised to buy myself a body-hugging strappy mini dress.
So there you have it – I was a reclusive and shy person, and I now go out regularly dressed as a woman and interact with the world as a woman. All of this seems to be a reward for that side of me who wanted to lose weight and be healthy. I know I don’t pass, but I don’t care. I know I’m old, but I don’t care. I finally feel beautiful. There are still trials and issues, and in many things, I am apprehensive. In other things, I feel like a girl in training. In transforming my crossdressing attitudes and behaviors, I do believe I saved my life, but I also saved myself from living a life that wasn’t genuine.