I spent my life from around 14 until 48 hiding my feminine side, worried that people would find out, and even running for cover if my doorbell went, until I ended up clinically depressed and needed to seek the help of a councilor before doing something I regretted. After the first couple of sessions, I took a deep breath and told her everything. It felt as if a huge weight was immediately lifted.
In time, she told me to tell a friend. I built up some courage, and yet, in my head I held this secret up to being the biggest thing ever and I was petrified. We met for coffee after work one day and I told my friend Charlotte. She said, “Oh, thank God, I thought you were gonna tell me something serious, like you were dying.” She was so happy for me, so proud that I had chosen to tell her that she immediately hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe. We arranged a shopping trip to get my first handbag lol… this was not the response I’d been expecting. With thought, I wondered if I’d been hiding this away, ruining my life for nothing?
So, I decided to try it again and tell another female friend, then other, and another…and then my sister. I still got the same response… as long as I was happy. They were super happy for me, and suddenly, we had way more in common than ever before. We would discuss clothes, favourite lingerie, and perfumes. I was on cloud nine. I told my counselor, and we decided I should take another big step. I arranged a night out with all my female friends.
I began to go out in skirts, dresses, heels with my female friends once or twice a month, and it was incredible. No one seemed to care what I had on, the bar/restaurant staff treated me as before. When I walked through places to use the bathrooms, I didn’t receive funny looks at all. I decided that twice a month wasn’t enough. When I wasn’t at work, I was Martina. I would venture out during the day in dresses, skirts, blouses, and my handbag on my shoulder. I’d visit the shops in my town, and people I didn’t know were friendly and wanted to talk to me… it was amazing!
I wasn’t sure what was happening. Women in the clothes shops would help me try on dresses and tops, giving me suggestions. Many of them became my friends and join with me on my monthly events. Makeup was something I needed help with. I had no idea where to start, so I went into my local department store and asked for a makeover. She sat me down, went to work on me, and she was buzzing, having fun… but not as much as me. She showed me what to use and trained me on techniques. This felt like the most natural thing in the world.
On the same day I went shopping for a new underwear set. An assistant came over and asked if I knew what my size was; I said I was pretty sure. She said she had a bra fitting appointment available and did I want her to fit me. Well, I was nearly on the floor at this point, but I said yes. I went in the cubicle and stripped off and got fitted for some beautiful new sets, and again it felt completely normal, relaxed, and not weird at all. My head was spinning.
So… at this point, I was a woman 24/7 apart from my work. With encouragement from my female friends and work colleagues, who already knew about Martina, I spoke to the HR people at my company. As of Jan 2020, I’ve only worn skirts and blouses or dresses to work with heels and full makeup, and I feel amazing. I still have to pinch myself on occasion; I am at my desk wearing a beautiful blouse, a pinstripe mini skirt, tights, and heels. I now feel confident, and even my male coworkers act completely normal towards me. I have noticed them checking my legs out…lol. I do have nice pins
I’ve got female colleagues asking me for tips on their makeup and clothes, we go shopping for outfits, and I also attend off site meetings with clients in my skirts and heels. I spent most of my life worrying what other people thought of me, looking over my shoulder in case people found out about my secret, and it nearly ruined me Don’t do that; be yourself. Live your life the way you want to, and in my experience, you’ll have so my new experiences, new friends that you’ll never look back.
You only get one shot at this “Life” thing, so don’t have regrets. “Just Do It” as someone once said. I hope this helps any of you who are hiding away in the darkness, like I was, to take a step into the light… you have nothing to hide. You are all beautiful people who deserve to live the way you want and to blossom into the proud, confident, gorgeous women you are. This is only my life experience, but I’d love to chat anytime, and please ask me anything at all…
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- Martyn by Birth, Martina by Nature - June 2, 2020
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Well done you! I’ve been Maria permanently for last 8 months and I’ve never felt happier. I hid in the closet for so long, because of what would people say that now I’m out it’s like, what was all the fuss. The culture here in the UK has changed so much in the last 10 years that I haven’t experienced any problems whatsoever.
And long may it continue!
So looking forward to when I can do anything more than go to the shops and the Chemist! Fed up of this lockdown. Maria wants to party!
Martina I loved your story. Things have really gotten better for the TG community. I am so happy for you.
Fantastic, I told my first friend a few weeks ago, she was surprised but really supportive for me. Its a real weight of your shoulders to be able to talk about it with someone, my wife is so against it that its not possible to openly talk with her about my crossdressing.
Yes, suppressing our female self can lead to many ill health situations. I will always believe that alcoholism in the earlier part of my life was a result of suppressing my female self.
A great story. Thanks for sharing, Martina!
Hi, There Martina I Like Your Story. I Feel it is Directed to me I to Have Been Crossdresser in The Dark But Now I Want to Come Out And be My Self do Have Any Suggestion. How I go About it And Find Support For us Crossdresser. I Live Campbell, California. Would You Send a Respond. Thank You Petra.
I have felt the same way…was married for over 30 years to a bipolar woman (didn’t know what that was when I married her) who refused my interest in dressing…originally said she would dress sexy in the bedroom, but soon stopped that was thinking it “demeaned her as a woman” (her words!). i spent over 30 years with her, trying to keep her from suicide attempts, raising the kids, working, getting a degree (have a minor in psyche!) and dressing when I could find a time and place to do so in private. She passed away of spinal cancer in… Read more »
That is really amazing that all these women accepted you as a woman and treated you as such. That was a really good story.
Hi I’m Katie and your story is how I would love my life to turn out like.You are so first of all beautiful and brave to be were you are in your life right now.Im married with children but I have always been a woman.I didn’t know what it was.From I was 7 I’ve always wore girls knickers and I wore my mothers bra.Yes it was to big but it wasn’t a lacy bra to sexually turn you on.It was a bra to hold my fantom breasts
Martina! Thanks for sharing your story! A counselor is a great “first” person to tell as they have no “agenda”or judgment and can help you figure out what is best for yourself. Then as you did, revel yourself to those you feel will be most accepting and slowly spread your wings. It is ALMOST always worse in our imagination than reality turns out to be, Congrats on becoming all of whom you were meant to be!