In response to Vanessa Law’s forum query, “Where Are You Heading in 2020,” I answered as follows.
1) I will spend more time here at CDH. The time I regularly spend here has helped me be more at peace with my femme essence. So, growth in my inner woman would profit by “hanging around here” more actively.
2) Althea Lovelace has written an excellent forum topic about coming to a deeper understanding of self. I once thought I was an incurable transwoman, who could only be totally happy by transitioning. I am not so sure anymore. That I have a strong longing for womanhood is undeniable, but perhaps full transition is not necessary for me. I have decided to make 2020 a year of honest self-discovery so I can move forward (or not) with sincere conviction and wonderful peace.
3) Lose weight. I am not totally sure, but fairly certain that I could look lovely in maternity clothes – about 8-9 months along. Although I have cried because I cannot carry and birth a child, at my age, maternity clothes would not be age appropriate. I am going to attack my weight, lose my unsightly gut. To be sure; whatever I learn from point #2, losing weight will be good for my health.
4) It’s time to fully come out to my wife and work through what compromise may be necessary for her to be comfortable with at least some expression of my femme self. It would really be special to have her accept my body being hairless, my toenails being painted, and her of me underdressing in panties and my own bra.
I am happy to say that I am actively and successfully working each of these goals. I have spent much more time here, have made new friends, written one article, and simply enjoyed myself as a woman in a safe place. I’m more at peace recognizing myself as a gender fluid rather strictly a transwoman. I’ve lost 18 lbs in the last two months, reducing my waist by 4”. Yes, I am so happy with my 2020 progress, yet the achievement in those three areas pales in comparison to the results of coming out to my wife.
I came out on the Saturday before Father’s Day . . . sort of. Two weeks prior, I talked and she listened (she was very understanding.) I asked if I could wear a pair of her new lounge pants in the evenings instead of my regular sweats. She agreed, and for those two weeks I did so in the evenings. All was well. No negative indications on her part, wonderful bliss on mine.
But on that Saturday before Father’s Day, as we sat together and talked, she gave me a gift, prefaced with comments that revealed a level of discomfort on her part with what she was about to do. The gift was a cute pair of pink house slippers, which I could wear with my lounge pants. I was overwhelmed. The ice was broken; the closet door was opened . . . wide.
Not everything was revealed about myself; for example, she does not yet know me as Charlene or that I am a member of the CDH community, but I am confident this will unfold. However, she does understand that I have a deep sense of female identity and except for my male responsibility to her, my family, and friends I would transition to full womanhood. She also understands that though I won’t transition, I nevertheless long to give expression to my femme essence outwardly.
I told her prior to our getting married (second for both of us) my life struggles with gender identity. She accepted that about me. However, now she realizes that my gender struggle is not simply a thought that occasionally crosses my mind. She has grasped, though unexplainable and hard to understand that my essence, my inner being is female. I am a blended individual, male outwardly, female inwardly. My feminine expression is simply me living authentically.
There was a process mind you, without which the beauty of my closet escape would have never happened. That process was grounded in advice I received from one of the cis female significant others, who is a member of CDH. Perhaps that process will become the content of another article. But the committed love and support offered to me is epitomized in this heartfelt statement from my amazing wife, “So what do you need me to do to help you be happy as a woman?”
Before the evening was over, I was lounging in an outfit from her own clothes, which she had put together for me. The following evening, we shopped together finding just the right pink nail polish for my toenails, which she painted for me afterwards. We talked more before retiring, but not before properly moisturizing my skin. With her permission, I wore one of her cute nighties to bed. The next morning, I wandered about our little home in my nightie and pink toenails without a hint of negative response on her part. The shame or embarrassment on my part had been banished. What an amazing sense of congruity and freedom was experienced as we began our day together as two women.
The four goals are actively being achieved and perfected due in large part to a decision; stop dreaming and dare to write those dreams down as goals.
May I say that at this moment the “pink fog” is thick. I am a very contented woman, looking to a future that I once only dared to dream could be mine. Oh, do not lose hope dear closeted sisters. This was not supposed to happen; certainly it was not an expected end. I just knew my wife would never accept any outward expression of my femme self. But I have learned we really never know someone until they really know us. I never expected acceptance much less support. Now I have both, and a stronger relationship with my wife than before, when I was in the closet.
Perhaps this can be your future should you decided to dare express your dreams as goals and then allow those goals to direct your actions toward a desired end.
Thank you, Vanessa for asking, “Where are you headed in 2020.” Thank you ladies for being the encouraging and supportive friends you are. I am a better woman today for having you all part of my life.
More Articles by Charlene Victoria
- Shackles Loosed – The Power Of Coming Out
- Beyond The Beginning To Becoming
- A Long Life to Freedom
- I learned something that Halloween