Why am I still with Crossdresser Heaven

To the lovely members of Crossdresser Heaven, and readers who have found us just for a time,

I founded Crossdresser Heaven 8 years ago hoping that through writing I could discover who I was, and praying that with words I could heal the deviance inside of me. Through the years I explored many aspects of my journey, sharing my first times pondering whether I was transsexual, beginning to take hormones, and sharing some of my thoughts after my transition.

Along the way I came to realize that there was nothing deviant inside me, except the normal human variation. I learned to step out of guilt and shame, and to embrace my woman inside. I met some wonderful people in my journey, and endured some hardships and broken relationships as well. I shared the pain of my last Christmas before divorce with you here, along with many others trying times and joyful celebrations. I poured my heart out on Crossdresser Heaven (read my complete transgender journey), and came upon a moment of decision.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

My journey had brought me to a life I could only ever have dreamed of. A family who loves me, a world who only ever sees the true me, gender doubts and surgeries behind me and only the promise of living life ahead. In the words of the wise Pumba, I was eager to put my behind in my past. And from 2013 to 2015 Crossdresser Heaven lay dormant.

Why Am I Still Here?

In the middle of 2015 I was searching for my unique gift, the talent I could give that could bring a small light to the world. In despair I wondered whether my life could possibly ever count for anything – the promise of living life had become the business of surviving. I still had a lovely family, lived in a beautiful area, a good job, and all the trappings that should qualify me for happiness. But I wasn’t. Something was missing. The flame of my talent had been doused by the comforts of the world.

In June of last year I made a big decision – not only to resurrect Crossdresser Heaven, but to create a place where every transgender person and their loved ones could feel safe, welcome and supported. I realized that I had a gift to share, a gift of empathy, compassion tempered with a (still developing) technical ability and love of words. A gift that very few were willing to give our community.

And the journey of Crossdresser Heaven continued. It has been expensive, time consuming, emotionally draining and exhausting. But it has also been fulfilling, heart warming and joyful. There are so many moments I could share with you, but one from just a few days ago touched my heart and made every moment of doubt and frustration seem worthwhile.

Shining the Light

On Friday morning a guest joined our chat room and said she had just discovered her husband crossdressing. She was confused, hurt and looking for advice. And she found the beautiful spirits of the ladies of Crossdresser Heaven – Joanna, Amber, Rachel, Jessica and many more were there for her. To offer her advice, and counsel. To share their stories and lend their support. To provide her options for the future, and to cover her in a loving embrace.

On that morning a guest named Sara came in pain, and found the most beautiful and caring community on the Internet. She found us. She found hope.

When Joanna shared the story with me my heart rose in joy. I was so proud of our ladies and so grateful for their loving care.

Again I realized why I’m still here – to offer a home where you can find hope, make a friend and discover yourself.

If you are already a member of Crossdresser Heaven, thank you for being the beautiful, loving and caring person who makes our community what it is. If you have not yet joined, it only takes a few seconds to join Crossdresser Heaven, and you could make a friend for life.


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Dedicated to creating a safe, supportive and welcoming environment for everyone in the transgender community.
  1. Codille Benton 4 years ago

    When I heard Sara’s story, it restored in me what community, love and support were about. About what Vanessa started but each and everyone of you continue to build and make stronger everyday. I like many of you found CDH on a web search or link looking for hope. It has given me some much more than that. To Vanessa, the Ambassadors team and to all my friends here, THANK YOU. For 31 years I wandered the wilderness looking for understanding people that didn’t judge, gave support and friendship. I think we are all like Sara when we tumble upon CDH, lost, somewhat or even completely confused and looking for guidance. You all have made this place very very special and very unique. May we continue to grown, stumble, brush our selves off, to continue to learn, to CARE FOR EACH OTHER and accept ourselves for who we are and maybe just maybe, society will too.

    Codille Benton

  2. Rosaliy Lynne 4 years ago

    I warm and touching story, Vanessa. wow – 9+ years ago I was separated from my third and last wife. I have been online in many places over the years and found a lot of good, bad and indifferent. Someone pointed me to CDH, probably shortly after you re-opened it. I don’t come on often but try to be helpful and positive because others are starting a journey I am already well along. Maybe, I can help my sisters as they grow.

    Of the places I have explored, and left behind, CDH is, by far, the best and most supportive place around.

    I hope you plan to stay because I sure do.

  3. Vanessa-
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart and the essence of my soul. I am still pondering the same questions today as you were so long ago when you began the site. I can’t believe how fortunate I Was to stumble across the site(actually it was one of the breastform giveaway promotions that first led me here!) but it was a life-changing discovery for me. I cannot believe it is only been 5 months since I joined! So many of the ladies here have become my family and dearest friends-I feel as though I have known many of you for a lifetime! I too feel led to be here helping others in whatever small ways I can-receiving far more in blessings than I ever give to others. If I could make the same living as I am now at my job, I would devote all of my time here. Alas the world prevails so I just have to give all that I can in the available time. Thank you for allowing me the great honor of serving and please let me know what else I can do to help! I love you Vanessa,-you are the big sister I WISH I had had growing up!! Thank you for the countless hours of work you put in on the tech issues for the site. But please give yourself some time to stop by the chat room and forums so you can get your batteries recharged. Hundreds of us are eager to learn from you “face to face” (so to speak 🙂 )as you can tell by the enthusiastic reception you get when you have even a few minutes free time and stopped by in the past! You rock Vanessa and you ARE OUR ROCK!

    I look forward to many years working with you and the Ambassadors and most importantly the MEMBERS themselves who are after all the REASON we are here!


  4. JaneS 4 years ago

    Vanessa your story highlights something that some of ‘us’ forget when we become so focussed on ourselves. We often forget that those around us that love us, and whom we love in return, sometimes also struggle with what can be new-found knowledge. Sara’s story is a common one; discovering a crossdresser is often far more challenging and confronting than being told. I am so glad that she was able to come to the site looking for help and was able to find what she needed at that time. I also hope that she feels confident enough to come back any time she feels like it as CDH is as much for her as it is for the rest of us.

    I think many of us have been helped along the way, some of us even being brought back from the edge of self-extinction by compassionate and understanding people. I fell it is an honour to be able to help others who have yet to find the peace and happiness I have.

    Thank you for keeping the site alive. Thank you for opening your heart to us and for allowing us to share your dreams too.


  5. julianne w 4 years ago

    Vanessa I am so appreciative to you for resurrecting this site since finding it and meeting the lovely Cynthia it has become a home and safe haven where I can come to and be Julianne for a time with out ever worrying about being judged it is the only home I have ever had for Julianne to feel that way . As anyone that has read my posts knows I have a marriage and kids that mean more than life itself to me and would not jeopardize it for anything .My wife knows about my desires and is slightly supportive but until the time comes where she is totally supportive this is Julianne’s safe haven and Family .when I say family I truly mean family for when I get a chance to stop by the chat room I am welcomed opened armed by my sisters and its an amazing feeling of being home if only stopping by the house to say hi and be on my way .When I can stay long enough to enjoy a cup of coffee Me and my sisters can sit and chat about all kinds of silliness or have serious conversations that will help one another .I just happened to be home that day when Sara arrived at the door and knocked the love and compassion that met her was incredible and being able to be a part of that was something I will never forget there was a feeling in the room after that which was indescribable we girls were floating . Vannessa you started all this way back when as a way of releasing your feeling and now you have given a whole world literally a place to release theirs . Thank you from the bottom of my heart and hope you don’t mind me calling you big sister cause that’s how you feel to me .Thanks Big Sis !!!! Love and Hugs Julianne

  6. Char 4 years ago

    I can say this with a whole heart full of love and appreciation!
    If not for my beautiful wife and “this site”, the acceptance support of each of us sharing and caring, I find it difficult to believe I would have chosen to continue the journey on this planet.
    At a time Vanessa and each of you when I was facing the darkest moment of my life, Charee’ rose to the surface and screamed, accept me or. . .
    It is with the support, sharing, openness of love that we can heal our tiny blue planet and her inhabitants.
    During reading this seemingly simple “story” the tears are pouring out of me!
    I Am sooooo grateful for this community, for this sometimes brutal yet incredibly rewarding journey and for you Vanessa for picking up that CDH ball once more..Call on me to help in any way I can…Always

  7. Jaimelynn 3 years ago

    Thanks for your article Vanessa and sharing your journey…start…to finish…and moving forward! It has been a great help for me.

    ‘My journey had brought me to a life I could only ever have dreamed of. A family who loves me, a world who only ever sees the true me, gender doubts and surgeries behind me and only the promise of living life ahead. In the words of the wise Pumba, I was eager to put my behind in my past. And from 2013 to 2015 Crossdresser Heaven lay dormant.’

    Why Am I Here?

    For me it does not start and/or stop with CDH…

    Forgetting those things which are behind…reaching forth unto those things which are before…Philippians 3.13

  8. Michelle 2 years ago

    I so much enjoy this site; as I get to see and identify so much with other “girls” feelings and experiences. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I should have been born female. I doubt my lovely wife will ever be accepting or understanding about ” Michelle “. She does not participate or encourage me in any way. I’ve always had a secret desire that someone; male or female, would secretly and discreetly contact her by email, and talk to her about her husband, and his CD fetish. I would love to know how she would respond and react to that situation.

  9. jill vail 2 years ago

    thank you for creating and maintaining this website I find it to be inspirational

  10. Brianna 7 months ago

    I am so grateful for your dedication to assisting us i. Our journey

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