Crossdresser Heaven

Fashion, makeup and body movement tips for crossdressers who want to look and feel more feminine

Categories: Crossdresser Support

A Dire Warning for Facebook Users

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: cross dress on Facebook

Comments: 4 Comments

Published on: September 26, 2011

To my dear readers,

One of my passions in life is technology. I’m a self described geek and enjoy following the latest in technology news and updates. Whether it’s the latest gadget from Apple, a new service from Google or a pre-release version of Windows 8 I’m there. Reading about them, playing with them – admiring what they do well and learning from what they don’t.

I’ll admit that in the past I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Facebook. Facebook is a wonderful tool that allows me to stay connected with friends and family, yet at the same time seems to disregard the privacy of those who use it with abandon. About a year ago there was the ‘beacon’ incident, where purchases made on other websites showed up in your Facebook feed – which alarmed those who bought something innocuous, and did far worse to others who had bought things they’d rather remain secret, like an engagement ring for a beloved.

Privacy settings seem to miraculously change as they ‘improve’ the service, and I’ve had a hard time keeping pace with what I’ve actually disclosed to whom. Yet what Facebook announced this week terrified me, and as a service to those in the transgender community I want to share this warning so you’re not caught in a nasty surprise.

What has Facebook Done?

This week Facebook announced new ‘frictionless sharing‘ which in a nutshell lets a website show your friends what you’re reading without you even clicking a like or share button. The website will ask you for permission once, and from then on every article you read will be announced to all your friends.

Decide to linger on the New York Times article about transgender discrimination – now your friends can find out. Take a few moments to click through to a story about a cross dresser – good thing those closest to you are so understanding as you accidentally out yourself.

A few months back I wrote about the best strategies for protecting your cross dressing secret on Facebook, but I fear that these will no longer be enough. In my opinion if you use Facebook you’re just one mistake away from telling the whole world you’re a cross dresser.

How to Protect Your Crossdressing Secret While Staying in Touch With Friends

Of course, it’s not as easy as telling you to stop using social networking sites. After all, the sense of connection enriches your life and allows you to grow closer to those closest to you. I am going to advise that you strongly consider switching to <a href="http://www.google.com/plus"Google+ and encouraging all those you care about to do the same. The privacy model on Google+ is dead simple. You can create circles by adding people to them, and when sharing you decide which circles to share with. What you read is never shared unless you explicitly click the +1 button on a website – avoiding any nasty surprises.

With Google+ you are in control of what you share and with whom.

To the best of my knowledge all the ‘Like’ buttons on Crossdresser Heaven will only share once you click it and will continue to behave that way. If I discover anything to the contrary you’ll see all Facebook integration disappear from Crossdresser Heaven.

Please, be careful out there.

-Vanessa

5 Tricks For Loving Your Time En Femme Without Envy

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: en femme

Comments: 3 Comments

Published on: September 18, 2011

I have friends who enjoy the dance between the genders – being able to switch back and forth between their regular life as father, husband, provider and the enchanted feminine delights the experience. It’s not something I can fully understand, since I would have gone crazy were it not for transition, but as crossdressers they are content with this balance. Yet it’s not always an easy or friction free one to strike. Often there are commitments and expectations that tug on you.

Perhaps it’s subtle disapproval from your wife, who steers you away from those nights out en femme, or it’s the weight of responsibility that makes it difficult to find the time to fully express the other side of yourself. Maybe your community or health circumstances have made it more of a chore than a joy to dance in the feminine. After a while, this becomes frustrating, and at worst could fill you with anger towards those who keep you from crossdressing and envy towards those who get to express themselves more freely. Balance your time en femme

Recently on Transgender Heaven I wrote an article about accepting your body as it is, and learning to love the transgender woman you are, even if your reflection in the mirror isn’t perfect. As I thought about this, I thought about the dilemma that many crossdressers face. While body image is important, it’s full force is generally confined to the time spent en femme. A much more insidious concern is the balance between time in male mode and en femme.

Before I share a few tips I want to make clear that everyone the time needed en femme is different for everyone. Some are comfortable with dressing once a week, others itch if they haven’t gone out in a day, and still others are content to crossdress once a year at a nearby transgender conference. Wherever you are on this spectrum it’s okay. There is no right way to do this.

Tip 1 – Appreciate the Time You Do Have

Rather than lament the few hours a month you have to crossdress, relish them. Get every ounce of joy you can out of them. Be present in the moment. Go slowly, don’t rush, immerse yourself. For those few hours push negative emotions aside, let your inner woman come out and bond with those around you. Don’t let fear or envy or regret rob you of a beautiful experience.

Tip 2 – Anticipate to Enhance Your Joy

Even if you can only dress once a week, it doesn’t mean you can’t anticipate it during the week. Plan your outfit – try on different styles and colors in your mind. Think about which make up would work best and how you’d like to accessorize. This will give you a small taste of the experience even if it is somewhat infrequent, and will also ensure that you look even more fabulous!

Tip 3 – Explore Crossdressing in Male Mode

Just because you can’t wear a ball gown to work doesn’t mean you can’t feel sexy. Try some silky lingerie under your pants, or a small drop of woman’s perfume to make you feel feminine even when your male side is needed.

Tip 4 – Nurture Your Emotional Side

Take time to be more caring, think of the needs of others and sacrifice some of your own time and comfort. This is a very feminine mode of being, and by nurturing this you’ll not only express your femininity, but also bless others around you.

Tip 5 – Be Thankful for Loved Ones in Your Life

Even if at times it may seem that they’re keeping you from crossdressing, or a burden on your feminine personna be grateful for all the joy they do bring to your life. Take time to cherish your wife, your children, your friends every day. You’ll make them feel good, and help them realize how important they are in your life.

How do you make the most of your crossdressing even if you’re not able to do it regularly?

—
Photo courtesy of bldodge

Different like me…

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: transgender fitting in

Comments: 29 Comments

Published on: May 27, 2011

Different - Just a transgender woman in the world

The world is a place full of expectations. From the moment we’re born we are molded by our families loving best intentions, by our friend’s awkward desire for us to fit in to their world, by school and college and work. We’re trained to be the same, to fit into a mold that society cast for us without our consent or intention.

It dawned on me today, as I was learning more about new technologies like earthing, and I considered my journey through alternative healing, that the slightest difference and deviation is shunned. Whether it’s barefoot long haired hippies trying desperately to share their earth wisdom, or the transgender woman trying to find her place in the world – it’s hard being different.

Being different was the inspiration for the Bohemian themed top I share with you today – not only is it different, but it’s fashionably so. It’s own uniqueness has become the quality which draws others too it. It’s not just a cute summer adornment, it’s a bold and courageous declaration of self expression.

Being different in a cisgender world

As a transgender woman, one of my earliest desires was to fit in – not just in society, but in my own skin. I wanted to be accepted for who I was, who I am – but everywhere I looked at the time I found people trying to change me. This was many years ago, before I had accepted myself. I clung desperately to the hope that by changing those people would accept me, would love me.

I learnt the hard way that the pastor who tries to change you does so not out of care, but out of a deep fear that you won’t fit into his world view. By fully expressing your light you’ll make him realize the selfish shadow he is casting on his congregation. So he wraps himself in faith and uses the sword of righteousness to cleave your soul in two.

The only defense is to embrace yourself, embrace your difference. I have the blessing these days to look in the mirror with love on the woman staring back at me. It’s a new experience for me – to gaze upon myself with such love and acceptance. To see the perfection of my failures and still smile.

So if your soul is wandering, and society seems hell bent on breaking you. STOP. Breathe. Look at yourself in the mirror. Gaze with love. Let acceptance well up inside for the person you are. Are you a man who dresses as a woman? A woman born as a man? Or anywhere in between – love yourself.

It’s hard. The hardest part of the journey. Let the spirit of grace and goodness pulse within you. It may be weak at first, but grows stronger each time you tap in to it. Yes, you’re different. That’s why you’re perfect.

With love and blessings,
Vanessa

An Actual Ninja….

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: unconditional love

Comments: No Comments

Published on: November 4, 2010

This is a short post today to highlight a beautiful, moving expression of unconditional love by a mother for her son that I think you should all read. Cop’s Wife shared in this post entitled, ‘My Son is Gay‘. My favorite quote from her post was:

If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.

Sometimes the true spirit of unconditional love is not in the acceptance of something others deem unacceptable. It’s not a one-time expression of mercy, but an acceptance of the person not knowing what comes next. Kudos to you dear, for having the courage to love unconditionally.

It Gets Better

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: it gets better, teenage crossdresser

Comments: 5 Comments

Published on: October 26, 2010

Recently you may have heard a story in the news about a young man, Tyler Clementi who took his life because he was outed online. This event, and many other recent ones like it has inspired a movement called the “It Gets Better Project”. Where adults in the LGBT community share their stories, and a inspirational message to LGBT youth that it does get better.

It’s easy to look at the tremendous progress the transgender community has made over the last 30 years and exclaim how good it is compared to when we were young. For a moment, think back to the internal struggle you had growing up – with no support, no answers, noone to tell. Where darkness was a constant companion, and suicide a welcome option at the hands of the transgender you.

Before I share my story, take a moment to watch the videos on the It Gets Better Project website, or the one filmed by Google employees below [as far as I know this is the only corporate branded contribution to this movement]. If you need help there are people who are out there who understand what you’re going through and can help you see the brighter day of tomorrow. Please contact the folks at the Trevor Project – a program focused on crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBT youth. And in the words of the last speaker on the video below, “Think of yourself when being a little older … , think of yourself coming back and telling you that it’s going to be okay. Because it is.”

Googlers tell us–it does get better

Does it Get Better For Transgendered Women?

Barbara Sehr wrote an interesting article in the Seattle Pi, and shared “For many trans folks, it doesn’t get better as adults”. Perhaps it’s because there are so few of us, or the LGB folks are a few decades ahead of us in terms of social acceptance. I think there’s more to it. Those in the LGB community share our trauma of telling loved ones and friends. They share our secrecy and shame, inner confusion and fear of what others will say or do.

It’s hard hiding yourself when you hear the world around you cursing your kind and condemning you to eternal damnation. It’s even harder never being able to hide yourself. Unless your blessed with passability a transgender women is constantly aware of who she is. An askance stare, or guarded comment can signal an outing – or worse, others can feel tricked and betrayed and even the most innocent circumstance can turn violent.

Months of practicing poise and the right vocal tone are needed, then there’s the surgeries and recovery, the endless list of skills one must learn, the struggle to find clothes that fit and shoehorning yourself into a social role you’ve spend your whole life untrained for.

But it gets better!

Despite the hardships mounted on pain doubled over with doubt and ridicule it gets better. Few things can compare to the acceptance of a loved one, or the first time you’re truly yourself around others. Even with half my journey untravelled, it is better than I could ever have imagined.

I think back to just a few years ago. I was scared to tell another soul who I was, crumbled at the thought of going out in public and cluelessly attempted to don femininity like a minotaur at a Macy’s sale. Even when I was presenting as myself, I was wracked with doubt and worn down by guilt. But it got better.

So while I think Barbara message is right, I think she’s overlooking the tremendously positive growth that many in the transgender community have experienced. And that as adults, it does get better.

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