It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.
Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?
My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.
Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.
Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?
Hi Vanessa thank you for your lovely site. i am trans i am married
(37yrs) my wife dose not know & would like if she did. My problem is more & more i want to wear femail clothes i am much happy when i am wearing femail clothes i hate beening a man & wearing mens things. I Also hate my male bits & wishes i had womans bits. Thank you for lisnen. love & hugs Tammy oxox Ps i forgot to ask how you are hunnie.
Thanks so much for your comments Alicia and Lisa Ann!
Alica, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I’m touched by your encouragement, but also by your acceptance.
Lisa Ann, I think I need some more time to process the full extent of what you’re saying. I think your final answer is good though, love yourself. I’ve found sometimes that it can be a hard thing to do.
Yes, accceptance of loss – either way I feel as if I’m going to lose something, and I think I’ll look back and pine for what I have lost.
Thanks again for your advice and feedback
Hugs,
Vanessa
I have had the same feelings as you for as long as I cab remember. There was always something there that I could not quite Put a finger on but yet always fantasized about being a woman and tried to push away most of it and not admit the truth to myself. Yet always growing up people would wonder about me and ask if I was a woman or gay those that didn’t know me at least. I have always been told that I have alot of female Manerisms. So I guess growing up I tried to hide that part of me and push it away though I never could. My feminine side was always like second nature to me and would come out wether I wanted it to or not. So yes now I am married and finally admitting tomyself after 35yrs of life that I am a woman or at least should have been. Thank you. Jessiebell
Wonderful to hear that you’re finally embracing who you are dear! Best of luck!
Wow! Have you been reading my mail? I’ve been married to the same woman for 43 years and my wardrobe is at least 90% women’s clothes. Most of it being definitely women’s, but a lot of it in the unisex rage while coming off the women’s rack. My wife and I have about the same build and I up-slurp any thing that goes unused in her closet. When we go shopping, she passes judgement on what I buy as to whether it suitable for general wear or for only girlie girl wear. (That is can I wear it where people expect to see me as straight male.)
She struggles with my transgender presentation. She realizes that I’m a feminine male and need to express my feminine nature, but worries over the perception of our friends. She has a much greater need for societal approval than I do.
I’ve come to the conclusion that people who can’t accept me as I am are the one’s with the problem. Who and what I am diminishes no one and the fact that I’m transgendered is no more significant to my value than being left or right handed and I have about as much control of it as well.
I’m blessed that I live in liberal Oregon, (USA) and the people on the street, while they may hold opinions that I’m lessor because of my trans nature, outwardly accept that I am and treat me well. Some, especially those in a retail business, seem find me interesting and seek to make me welcome so I’ll spend my money with them.