It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.
Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?
My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me - the relationship I have with my wife.
Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.
Don’t misunderstand my confusion - I have come to terms with being transgender - I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?
Tags: crossdressed, crossdressing, female voice, feminizing, t-girl, transgender, transvesite
March 10th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
when i dress i dont feel i am changing to a woman but being the feminine part of me. i have always felt that i am both gender; I work as a male, my wife is not at all supportive, and when i find time i express the feminine part of me. Not female, just femme. when i am out i feel i am a man who likes to wear tight jeans, wig, heals and a little lipstick. Not that i have some how changed my blood from male to female. God has given me a male body, no amount of surgury could change that and i like what i am, i also like to look different. Looking female some times is just a flavor of me that helps me feel good. You asked for advice, now that you have read how i feel about dressing if you want to read it, here is my advice. “We are creatures of feeling, though we breath air and drink water our true being is in the heart. If our hearts are aching due to a lack of change or to much change we must do all we can to stop that aching and until we have exhausted our selves trying to ease our pain we cannot rest. Some times we are balanced between both wanting change and not wanting change. This is the most difficult aching to stop. it will require acceptance of loss to sway the balance which enables the freedom from that bond. Inner acceptance is the place to search for the answer. Love yourself. Really loving yourself will make the path you wish to take clear, anything less than love will keep you clouded and feeling trapped or empty.” Thats it.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Hey there, probably surprisingly enough to be keeping up to date on your journals is that I’m actually a woman (LOL, born as one), but I wanted to say that while I have no experience with what you’re going through, I think you must be very strong, and I hope you stay true to who you are, whoever that may be. ^_^
Good luck, sweatheart!
Alicia
PS: I love your journal, A+
March 11th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Thanks so much for your comments Alicia and Lisa Ann!
Alica, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I’m touched by your encouragement, but also by your acceptance.
Lisa Ann, I think I need some more time to process the full extent of what you’re saying. I think your final answer is good though, love yourself. I’ve found sometimes that it can be a hard thing to do.
Yes, accceptance of loss - either way I feel as if I’m going to lose something, and I think I’ll look back and pine for what I have lost.
Thanks again for your advice and feedback
Hugs,
Vanessa
March 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Vanessa, you raise some interesting questions. I can only comment on what goes on in my head (or heart), it may well be different for others.
I don’t feel split. I don’t feel there is a difference between ‘him’ or ‘her’. Indeed, I don’t think there is a him/her, there’s just me… sometimes I dress like a woman, but mostly I dress like a guy. I don’t feel like a woman when dressed up, but I do feel ‘connected’ in some way. I’m struggling to describe the feeling properly, but when I dress up or go meet other TG people, it feels like I’ve come home. Everything seems right somehow. It’s not to say that I don’t get that feeling as a guy - it’s just more obvious (perhaps because I recognise it) in the former instances.
Further to what Lisa Ann had to say: you need to accept yourself for who you are. Release that perhaps there is no her or him, just you. Once you reach balance - and self-acceptance - maybe others will be ready to accept you too. It won’t happen overnight, but one day you’ll release that it’s not all bad being TG, there’s fun to be had too.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Hi Vanessa,
I read your postings with great interest. My wife also understands my desire to dress in my girlie clothes, which has made a big difference for me. Never let that go, your wife is your best friend in everything you do. I would love to chat “offline” I’m not keen at this stage to go “public” with my views.
I may dress as a girlie, but I am a guy, who wants to be a guy, but loves to wear clothes that make me feel so great inside. As my wife says, it brings out the feminine in me
I would love to chat over email!
March 13th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Well, I’ve been dressing for most of my life, well over 40 years now, starting with a pair of tights I pinched from my cousin ! It’s grown from that to the point where I’ve a bigger wardrobe than my wife.
I got to work as a male, I go shopping as a male, but there are times when I need to dress as I feel comfortable. Is that ‘being a woman’ or just ‘being comfy’ ?
I have wigs, make-up, shoes, boots, corsets - in fact I dress better in femme mode than I do for the majority of my time as male. It makes me feel good, thats how I describe it, but I know I’ll never be a female - that’s going a few steps too far for me personally. There are those that want to go for surgery and it’s still a mixed bag, of those who like what they have become, and those who are still unhappy.
Acceptance is difficult, my wife knows about Polly but does not encourage me. I’d love to spend more time ‘feeling comfy’ but family and other circumstances dictate that as not possible. I have to be content with whatever time I can get to myself these days.
Had the Internet been around when I was a teen, and I knew then what I know now, I would have tried my best to change role and live/work in the femme clothing I adore. Again, not being a female, but looking like one perhaps?
We all suffer, in our minds we’re unsure how others see us, do they think we’re perverts but mutter a few words to say ‘I don’t mind how you dress’ just to please us? I’ve tried to give my wife as much information as I can so that she can find out about my ‘condition’ and perhaps understand more about how I feel.I get the feeling she thinks if she does not mention it I’ll forget about it, or not bother her with the subject. Having said that, we have been out where I’ve been dressed fully at T-Girl events, so she’s not afraid of me in that role either.
We’re all individuals, so there’s no fixed ‘rule’ for how we should handle things. Just do the best we can and have fun when time permits is my way of looking at it.
Polly in Yorkshire, England
May 19th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Vanessa-just be YOU and feel good bout yaself! I sooo understand all the struggles you are facing and have faced-ya sooooo lucky that ya have a wife standing next to you! I’ve been divorced 3 times now and is struggling with my own acceptance now and making my journey into womanhood full time! You are Beautiful, smart, articulate, and a fine person! Be yaself hun!