Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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About the Author

A woman living in Seattle, enjoying the freedom to be who she is every moment of her life!

151 Enlightened Replies

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  1. Savana says:

    I have been living as a male. I HATE IT. However, i don’t know if i was made, or born this way. Let me explain. Between the ages of 7 and 10 i was molested by my uncles. Yes i said uncles. One was more then the others,but it happened. One did this until i was thirteen. Next, i was molested by my female babysitter. I know this sounds out of the park, its true. I know it was wrong and perverted of them, but, i enjoyed it. I really did. Between my uncles and babysitter, they broke my cherry in a way. This act,this behavior what ever it was,could have made me feel like a girl.Or was i born to be female, and was not given the chance to be who i am. I would try to grow my hair, and my mother would cut it off. When i got around fourteen, i would not let her cut it anymore. As i grew, time,circumstances,influence forced me to be male.Time also has made me look masculine. My wife tolerates my fem side. I am very subtle when wearing clothes. I do not want to look like a man in a dress. I would rather look like a man. However,I am slowly changing,transforming from the inside out. My body is always hairless. My hair is long and somewhat styled feminine. I use feminine products. I know this wont work, but i do it for my frame of mind, is take a women multi vitamin. I have a very young male face, this is the only thing that works for me. I want to wear makeup,however i have not reached this yet with my wife. I want to completely come out to my wife. I am afraid she would not love me anymore. This is why i did not fight to change during my life. I did not want to lose my family. I need love,closeness. The sex with my wife and I have suffered. I love having sex with her, i just would like if she would take initiative. My daughter and her children live with us,so its very difficult to be intimate with her, and i want to make love to her as a women. Haven’t done that yet. There’s more. Bottom line i want to die as a women not a man.
    I have nobody to talk to about this. I need Help.

    • urmila says:

      Dear Savana
      reading ur was like me going through my experiences. Like u, I was molested between the age of 6 and 13 by my maternal uncle. and later seduced by an aunt. Even though i didnot like what my uncle did in the beginning, I started liking it and i did enjoy the experience with my aunty. My virginity was lost when my uncle used me.
      These experiences,Perhaps, in my subconcious mind, made me think i am a female. Somehow, i went through my life as a man and got married and have 2 children. After my second child was born, What was in my subconcious started come out and i started dressing up secretelt first and because it was too much of a strain, I did come out to my wife and thankfuuly, after the initial shock and resistence, she has accepted it fully. But bevause of our children and the society, she has made me promise that it will only be between us. and nobody should know about it, and now we are gradually moving towards role reversal and shortly, she will be the sole bread winner and the home maker and taking care of the children. Now with this arrangement I feel free and quite satisfied and have accepted the position. This way I am not loosing my family and the love of the woman i adore.
      I do having sex with her, the difference is that she takes the initiative and it is she on top most of the time.
      I am thanking God for all his blessings and happy now
      See u can find a compromise like I have done and be with ur family. good luck and best wishes Savana

    • Jenna says:

      I am almost exactly in the same situation as you and would also love to talk to someone about this. Can we talk?

      • bill morris says:

        i like to wear woman lingerie i like men to take me to bed i like blk men i tell them all put your blk baby in me deep i want a blk baby so bad i pray for it to happen want to be a woman also i do have a nice small set of boobs now i just want blk men to ,love me in the bed this is day and nite why

    • macaylla says:

      I am in the the same boat as you are i want so bad to be a girl ive considered the worst thank god my wife has been there for me 75 % of the time but i still have this thought of being a girl and it is killing me

    • dean says:

      I know how you feel i feel the same. I have it different from you as I am divorced and can pretty much do as I wan and I want to be a woman

    • urmila says:

      First thing for you to comeout fully, you have to move out and live separately. I am sure she does love you as much as you do, and wouldnot like to loose you, instead she will understand your deeper feelings and will definitely try to adopt

    • Tina says:

      Omg I felt like that for years broke up with my last girlfriend 5 years ago when I came out to her Ben living as a female ever centsafter a year of gended counseling it was con permed what I always knew I am transsexual and I love that about myself would not change who I am for anybody ever again I know who I am and work hard ever day to be the best woman I can be I love myself and my life this all came to me when I fully excepted who I am a transwoman and always have been lov tina

  2. Gina says:

    I have fought for year about man or girl very few know of my more female side. Most of my life I live as a man and was never totally happy and complete. I the past few years I myself have come to realize a man I am not I have start to take herbs for my breast and my clothing is now 30 per cent female I have never been more happier in my life. I know most people do not want to be close to me but that’s okay I am happy

  3. Jon B says:

    wow put on a dress for the first time and a wig it feels great then I started reading this site I found on the net I now want to explore my feminine side I want to look totally like a woman I am still loving being a guy cant wait to go shopping for dresses shoes panty hose makeup and all I will need thanks I love this site Joan

  4. tom weir says:

    I’m a man that wants to be a woman in all ways plus I’m 55 when I was growing up I was sexually active with a man that was three times my age

  5. dean upton says:

    to me it is my life in a nut shell..i know that I should have be female. t was molested when I was very young by both my brother and cousin. this went on for years. then my mother took her turn. I am not married and I can wear female clothes when ever I want. I cant pass for female but love the feel on my body. I shave most of my body. my daughter tells me that I am very feminine acting. I just want to be a woman. like I am suppose to be. am totally gay.

  6. Shaunalynn says:

    Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I never changed, I still wanted to be a girl. I been married, girlfriends normal things as a man. I have always been feminine. Even the women I been with said the same. Some enjoyed it some did not. I am going for the next step. I have a pyco and I am on my way. I am starting HRT and I am happy about this. I am so tiered of the fight. Its time to be happy. I don’t know about the surgery. But I know I needed to do to be happy and content in mm life. Lots Of Love Shauna

  7. Vanessa Law says:

    Thanks so much for your comments Alicia and Lisa Ann!

    Alica, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I’m touched by your encouragement, but also by your acceptance.

    Lisa Ann, I think I need some more time to process the full extent of what you’re saying. I think your final answer is good though, love yourself. I’ve found sometimes that it can be a hard thing to do.

    Yes, accceptance of loss – either way I feel as if I’m going to lose something, and I think I’ll look back and pine for what I have lost.

    Thanks again for your advice and feedback

  8. Jessiebell00 says:

    I have had the same feelings as you for as long as I cab remember. There was always something there that I could not quite Put a finger on but yet always fantasized about being a woman and tried to push away most of it and not admit the truth to myself. Yet always growing up people would wonder about me and ask if I was a woman or gay those that didn’t know me at least. I have always been told that I have alot of female Manerisms. So I guess growing up I tried to hide that part of me and push it away though I never could. My feminine side was always like second nature to me and would come out wether I wanted it to or not. So yes now I am married and finally admitting tomyself after 35yrs of life that I am a woman or at least should have been. Thank you. Jessiebell

  9. Vanessa Law says:

    Wonderful to hear that you’re finally embracing who you are dear! Best of luck!

  10. Anonymous says:

    Wow!  Have you been reading my mail?  I’ve been married to the same woman for 43 years and my wardrobe is at least 90% women’s clothes.  Most of it being definitely women’s, but a lot of it in the unisex rage while coming off the women’s rack.  My wife and I have about the same build and I up-slurp any thing that goes unused in her closet.  When we go shopping, she passes judgement on what I buy as to whether it suitable for general wear or for only girlie girl wear.  (That is can I wear it where people expect to see me as straight male.) 

    She struggles with my transgender presentation.  She realizes that I’m a feminine male and need to express my feminine nature, but worries over the perception of our friends.  She has a much greater need for societal approval than I do. 

    I’ve come to the conclusion that people who can’t accept me as I am are the one’s with the problem.  Who and what I am diminishes no one and the fact that I’m transgendered is no more significant to my value than being left or right handed and I have about as much control of it as well. 

    I’m blessed that I live in liberal Oregon, (USA) and the people on the street, while they may hold opinions that I’m lessor because of my trans nature, outwardly accept that I am and treat me well.  Some, especially those in a retail business, seem find me interesting and seek to make me welcome so I’ll spend my money with them. 

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