It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.
Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?
My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.
Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.
Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?
I am crossdresser, 10 yrs ago, I am married with a woman, whe knows who I am. I am happy using skirts, high heels, pantyhoses, etc. I want to share my feelings and opinions with cd sisters.
Hugs to all of you
Karla
Dear venessa
I understand your position dear. Luckily u have a very understanding woman as your wife. I am sure u dont want to lose her, hence it is not advisable to go in for comlete transition. U can be the woman u want to be , even without going in for operations etc. For a change, accept the woman u love as ur husband and be a good housewife to her, If it is possible u can stop working outside and bexome a full time “housewife”. Let her be the providr and the one to take all major decisions. And If u decide to have kids ion future, u can take up the conventional mother’s role of nurturing and raising the child
Of course the decision has to be urs – if u want to go in for full transition and lose the person u love or accept a compromise and live with that wonderful person.
personally, i can tell u that i have accepted that i cant go in for transition and loose what all i have and am living the life of a “housewife” and give her a good home to come back
Vanessa,
How right on you are about the splitting of your time between your male and female sides.
In an effort not to hurt my wife I did the same. Our kids never knew about me only my wife. she passed away a little over a year ago, now I can express my feminine side as often and as long as I like. That said I trade it to have wife back without reservation.
Vanessa – You shouldn’t struggle with your life between a man an a woman. You can enjoy being both. The thrilling time is when it’s time to pick out an outfit and you start to make the change…the rush is exciting and you feel tingly inside. It’s all good…very good.
i am a gay cross dresser………………. i have no one who loves me, no one who supports me. the only people who want that role are the ones that only want to fuck me………… not going to happen…… if i didnt have my son, i would kill myself………………
Have hope dustin dear, I am sure u will meet a person who will love u until then be patient and cheerfu
Oh Sweetie please do not do anything drastic-many of us live with the same despair and depression. Find girlfriends you can talk to and spend time with-I live near Columbus Oh and would be more than glad to help. Hugs Nikki
I am 31 and I 175 bls and I want to be a woman and how do I go about that
Tremendous things here. I am very satisfied to look your article.
Thanks so much and I am having a look forward to touch you.
Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?
Thanks so much for your comments Alicia and Lisa Ann!
Alica, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I’m touched by your encouragement, but also by your acceptance.
Lisa Ann, I think I need some more time to process the full extent of what you’re saying. I think your final answer is good though, love yourself. I’ve found sometimes that it can be a hard thing to do.
Yes, accceptance of loss – either way I feel as if I’m going to lose something, and I think I’ll look back and pine for what I have lost.
Thanks again for your advice and feedback
Hugs,
Vanessa
I have had the same feelings as you for as long as I cab remember. There was always something there that I could not quite Put a finger on but yet always fantasized about being a woman and tried to push away most of it and not admit the truth to myself. Yet always growing up people would wonder about me and ask if I was a woman or gay those that didn’t know me at least. I have always been told that I have alot of female Manerisms. So I guess growing up I tried to hide that part of me and push it away though I never could. My feminine side was always like second nature to me and would come out wether I wanted it to or not. So yes now I am married and finally admitting tomyself after 35yrs of life that I am a woman or at least should have been. Thank you. Jessiebell
Wonderful to hear that you’re finally embracing who you are dear! Best of luck!
Wow! Have you been reading my mail? I’ve been married to the same woman for 43 years and my wardrobe is at least 90% women’s clothes. Most of it being definitely women’s, but a lot of it in the unisex rage while coming off the women’s rack. My wife and I have about the same build and I up-slurp any thing that goes unused in her closet. When we go shopping, she passes judgement on what I buy as to whether it suitable for general wear or for only girlie girl wear. (That is can I wear it where people expect to see me as straight male.)
She struggles with my transgender presentation. She realizes that I’m a feminine male and need to express my feminine nature, but worries over the perception of our friends. She has a much greater need for societal approval than I do.
I’ve come to the conclusion that people who can’t accept me as I am are the one’s with the problem. Who and what I am diminishes no one and the fact that I’m transgendered is no more significant to my value than being left or right handed and I have about as much control of it as well.
I’m blessed that I live in liberal Oregon, (USA) and the people on the street, while they may hold opinions that I’m lessor because of my trans nature, outwardly accept that I am and treat me well. Some, especially those in a retail business, seem find me interesting and seek to make me welcome so I’ll spend my money with them.