Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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About the Author

Vanessa Law is a women enjoying the freedom to be who she is every moment of her life!

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  1. most people have a few things in common being a cross dresser single mom, first boy or child or abused as a kid

  2. Shaunalynn says:

    Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I never changed, I still wanted to be a girl. I been married, girlfriends normal things as a man. I have always been feminine. Even the women I been with said the same. Some enjoyed it some did not. I am going for the next step. I have a pyco and I am on my way. I am starting HRT and I am happy about this. I am so tiered of the fight. Its time to be happy. I don’t know about the surgery. But I know I needed to do to be happy and content in mm life. Lots Of Love Shauna

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